Week Two Newsletter

Nicholas Vichinsky
Sep 9
12 min read

Morning Huddle

The Isabella. Where do I start?

The name has multiple histories but it sits on the precipice of Sports history. One with both personal and athletic implications.

The basic layer is that it starts with a girl. She stood by her locker, her skit shirt, and had the favor of many young men’s crushes. Only one held that favor. Pete.

Every day he walked down the hall, right in front of Nick’s locker, he would give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. He would go for a kiss on the lips, but she’d politely pull her head to the side, offering her cheek. On one of these cheek slides, she made eye contact with Nick, he smiled, and she turned away. But it was at that moment a rivalry sprang.

Two weeks later, walking to his car, there Nick was making out with The Isabella.

As friends, their hatred for each other came out in sports. Two Hand Touch, they battled for Nick’s old Colt McCoy jersey, Beer Pong, the loser had to kiss the other's feet. Super Smash Bros, the Thermostat, the Dishes, it always seemed something was fueling them.

As age curdled them, they found their competitive edge in fantasy, and as time continues to go on, they honor their history through the honorary Isabella game. Pete currently leads the series 3-2 (new format).

Commissioner’s Corner

It’s depressing, honestly. Being beaten by Nick Sowell in week 1. Makes a guy question everything he knows about the world. Is there a god? Are hot dogs delicious? Is water wet?

It’s also a tough pill to swallow that not only did villain Sowell win, but the 3 other super villains won as well. That’s right. The triplets somehow colluded in a combined effort to pull one over on the rest of us in week 1.

Listen, I won’t put blame on anyone, but if I had to, I’d say the reason the good guys are walking away from this week feeling sad is because of Aaron Glenn’s play-calling.

On a lighter note, I just heard back from the league stenographer and they said that this year has been the least amount of bitching, whining and moaning they have ever recorded in this league. So big congrats to making 2025 the smoothest year we’ve had yet.

Don’t forget to smile today!

Commish

Tears and Jeers

Tears

If Fields put up 26 on us like this, then Lamar is going to gape our assholes - Brando
Clangers 🤝 Cowboys

Losing week 1 - Pete
What a fucking weekend 0-3 in fantasy, Lions blow chunks, Michigan blows chunks -Beef

Jeers

SKO CATS BABY MCDC IS ROCK HARD AND SO AM I - Nick S
MSU punter is our best player -Bryce
I really thought I wasn't going to have to mute you this year - Con

Power Rankings

Team Name	Details
Alvin and the Chipmunks	Well, I was very, very wrong because it turns out depth isn't just good in the bedroom, it's also pretty darn good in fantasy football. I was pleasantly surprised by Rodgers and the Steelers' offense, and it turns out Geno Smith can still sling that mfer. Looking at potential game scripts for both teams these quarterbacks play for, I can see them keeping up with these high scoring outputs, and in that case, Zach is primed for a solid year. Hopefully, Rodgers' body doesn't break so that Zach can keep feasting with the sturdy roster and I can live to see the Steelers lose in the first round of the playoffs again.
Diddler	Sitting atop the Maurer Crime Syndicate is the oldest of the three headed colluding hydra. Diddler got the job done this week, and his team looked really good. There was solid output and scoring opportunities for most of his players. I'm going to keep an eye on if the Bowers knee injury is anything serious, but overall it was a good win, even though it's pretty messed up that he always diddles his fellow Spartan Dawg and gets away with it, too.
Orenthal James Simpson	The youngest Maurer brother is next on our list, and just like the other two Maurers, you can assume Peter is just as evil, if not the most notorious of the three. This week, Pete's team gave us a pretty fair performance, but there was more to be desired out of Jamo and Waddle. I believe that the Lions will get their offensive woes figured out and Jamo will be a dog this year. However, Pete may want to make peking duck out of Waddle, as the Dolphins' offense looked like dog water.
2 Gurleys 1 Kupp	Uncle Crut may be ranked the lowest of the three Maurer men this week, but don't sleep on this team. "2 Gurleys 1 Kupp" put up the third-highest scoring output while leaving a potential 39 more points on the bench. I have to curb my excitement for 2 Gurleys 1 Kupp because you can never count out some good old fashioned Maurer Collusion. I still believe that these three boys were the reason for the 2008 recession, but I just can't prove it yet. Looking at Crut's roster, I am very impressed, and if he can optimize who to start and sit throughout this season, then everyone will be bowing down to the 2 Gurleys and their 1 Kupp.
Scumper's Thumpers	Them Rabbits are still kicking even though the Burrow and Chase stack was a bit lackluster this week. Moving forward, I'm actually not worried about Joe and Ja'Marr, as they usually start a bit slower. I am going to keep an eye out on some other key pieces for this lineup, like the tight end spot with Kittle being sidelined for multiple weeks with an injury, the flex spot as Ekeler is battling for touches with Washington Bill, and the other superflex spot because Tua was smoking Dolphin dick or sucking it idk. Maybe Scumps can ask his good friend Mr. Maurer what the kids are saying nowadays. 6 7.
Squirtn' Manning	Freaky Ahh Squirt gave us two great quarterback performances with some duds from his WR1 and RB2, but still put up some serious points and got the win this week. I personally will be rooting for this young man and his team because everything will grow in exxcitement when it's time to face off against his archenemies in this league, the Maurer men. Once some of these players return from suspension, I could see this team rising up our rankings and solidifying a position at the top.
Milky Cream Dream Team	I don't hate the output from the Cream Dream Team during Week 1, but it's unfortunate that Travis Kelce turned Xavier Worthy's shoulder into mashed potatoes. What I like about Con's team moving forward is how he can plug in ETN now that his main backfield competition, Tank Bigsby, has been traded. I wouldn't be surprised to see Con throw some big bucks at a wide receiver on the waiver wire, since some of his other bench options are a bit dicey. I can see this Cream being sweet again in the near future.
Daddy	Disappointing output from most of Daddy's team this week, as they couldn't get rolling like they usually do. A highlight was his WR1 and WR2, as they both were targeted 12+ times in their respective matchups. To focus on the lowlights, I think Bigsby is dead and buried now that he's on the Eagles' roster and behind Barkley, and Bryce Young looks like he needs to go back to seventh grade or whatever. Hopefully, Kaleb Johnson can take on a larger role soon for the Steelers and take over that backfield since their run game looked like garbage.
New Cavinder Boob Goofin	Some would say this is a temporary fall from grace for Labubu Beef and his squad with their loss, but I'm going to push back and say that there's potentially a staycation happening in the loss column. Beef's wide receiver room had a dismal performance, and I'm worried about everyone but Collins moving forward. NBA Pickens was back to his antics where he had more personal fouls than targets, and Matthew Golden is buried in Green Bay's wide receiver room by committee. Looking at the bench, I don't see many options to plug and play unless Beef does some wheeling and dealing with this team. I wouldn't put it past this savvy manager and businessman to make some roster changes and get competitive again.
Big Kupp Hunters	Eric and his Big Kupp Hunters roster had a loss that looked worse than it actually was. His team provided solid output but lacked any major booms like the Costco Guys provide. I can see the Sun God coming around, as the Lions are still trying to get situated with new coaches and changes within their offensive line. However, I am worried about the role Monty will have in the Lions' offense, as Gibbs seems to have taken over completely. I think there's potential for Henderson to pop and really get rolling, and for Smith to establish himself in the Eagles' passing offense. Godspeed to you, brother Ric, and GO STILLERS!
Deanith	Everybody give a warm welcome back to the bottom to our good friend Dean! You probably should have just stayed in South America where nobody cared about fantasy football because I'm about to flame your guinea pig eating ass. Here at the bottom, we don't like to judge, but GODT DAMN, did you have a bad week. Goff looked like doodoo, Jennings like doodoo and hurt, and Mark Andrews mustered up one single point. It was a tough start to the season for you, but I do see a path where your key players warm up in the coming weeks and provide some solid fantasy points for your team. Hopefully, next week you'll mess up your starting lineup again and I win so I can put myself above your team. Good luck, Mr. Commish.
Hiff Clangers	The run the Hiff Clangers has been on has been generationally ASS and will be taught in fantasy football textbooks on how to spiral to the bottom and wallow away in the muck. Just like all those delusional Cowboys fans, I told myself this year would be different, and that was a big fucking lie. I need Tyreek to be traded off the Dolphins immediately to feel good about anything, because London is now considered day-to-day. Some highlights I can look forward to are my quarterbacks and Washington Bill with solid performances. Hopefully, my guys can get it together moving forward, because if not, I'm going to start getting EMO af y'all.

Dear Jill

Dear Jill,

Let me start off by saying I’m a first time writer but long time lover of your page. But…uh…let me get to the point. It started as a fun joke, as a bit. I understood it but never thought it was true. Listen, I get it, right? Hahaha I can’t win in big games. Okay, sure, I have gotten to the playoffs my first 3 years, everytime with the best record but lost first round of the playoffs and then said last year that I will be back and better. I learned my lesson! Well then I go 1-15, BUT I AM NOT THE COWBOYS OF THIS LEAGUE, sure I just got my ass eaten hibachi style week 1 vs the diddler but this can’t be my fate can it?? Will it?? I’m bound to bounce back! But then someone says, “Hey, aren’t you 1-16 in your last 17 matchups?” Fuck my life it’s gotten bad! Now they are keeping track of my streak, god I truly am the cowboys of this league! My question is, should I commit seppuku??

Yours sadly,

Anonymous

Fantasy Villain

Villain of the Week: Week 1

To kick off this week’s villain of the week, we’ll start with some honorable mentions. First honorable mention goes to Amari Cooper for his, “eh, I don’t really feel like it” retirement, one week after signing with the Raiders. Glad he decided to retire before starting the season. Second honorable mention goes to AJ Brown for putting up one reception for eight yards during the first game of the season. So much hype, just to do absolutely nothing. Final Honorable mention goes to Crit for telling me to tear an ACL. That was mean :( no other remarks.

Without further ado, week 1’s villain goes to…..The Detroit Lions entire defense. What an absolute shitshow, allowing Jordan Love to torch us in the first half. While I don’t always agree with Beef’s hot takes, I do believe he might be correct in predicting that the lions miss the playoffs. Time will tell, and it is only the first week of the season, but if the Lions don’t fix their defense, then it’s going to be a long painful year.

Fantasy Court with Judge Jeudy: The People v Peter Maurer

The People Vs Peter Maurer

“Order in the court, order in the court, Baliff, please bring in the defendant”

Two armed security guards bring in a twink of a man in a straight jacket and chains, barking like a rabid dog, his balls have managed to escape his pants and swing freely as he’s walked down the aisle to the Defense Table, where he is greeted by his defense attorney who is fumbling through his briefcase, papers about drafting double tight ends in the first and second round and a tuna sandwich fall out, the observers stir, some scream and others call for the death penalty without hearing what the charges are

Judge Jeudy slams his gavel on the sounding block

“Order! There will be order in my court!”

the court settles, begrudgingly

“Mr. Peter Roach Maurer, you stand here accused of fraud, how do you plead and will you please put your balls away?”

Pete rolls his eyes

“Not guilty your honor and no I cannot, they are my emotional support pigeons, I can’t cage them”

A man resembling Crit in a mustache and wig, the prosecutions attorney stands

“Very well, the prosecution calls Peter to the stand”

Pete is dragged to the stand and sworn in, the Bible catches fire as Pete puts his hand on the Bible

“Mr. Roach, you not ask for a 8-14 point receiver in exchange for Javonte Williams?”

“I did your honor”

“And did you not receive a trade offer from a league mate, nay, a brother fitting these requirements?”

Pete scoffs and searches for a zyn

“This is such bullshit. Yes I did, but it was fucking Stefon Diggs, he’s washed and won’t be doing shit in 3 weeks when his bones dissolve”

“AND who did you counter ask him for in said trade offer after rejecting that offer?!”

Pete, incapable of feeling guilt, confidently responds “Zay Flowers”

the court breaks out in chaos, people are screaming, babies cry, Zach faints from the audacity of Pete

“A near 30 POINT PLAYER? Tripling what you asked for, your honor this is false advertising and fraud to the highest degree, the prosecution requests the most severe punishment, A Cat Daddy Joe Poolside Talk”

A collective gasp rocks the court room, Joe, dressed as an execution smiles and knods, that’s right, he has a pool and now everyone knows how cool he is

“Very well, we will let the jury break for deliberation, the prisoner will be held in his pigeon coop while the jury deliberates”

the jury deliberates for 30 hours, emotions run high, bonds are formed, it’s a real 12 angry men but one of them is a grumpy old man named Ralph, the other members of the NFFL return to the court room ready to hand out their verdict, Peter is wheeling in, refusing to leave his pigeon coop or as he calls it “the zen garden”

“The Jury finds Peter Roach Maurer….. Guilty”

cheers break out in the court room, judge Jeudy knods and smacks his gavel

“Very well, the punishment will be delivered within the week, now, I’m tired so I’m going to bed”

Don’t pull that rookie shit on Crit no more, he knows better this year.

Bryce Maurer Grumbles

My grumbles:

You’d think victory for MSU would wash away any of my protuberance, and you’d be partially right. While I’m less grumpy on this Monday than usual, I’ve still got things to complain about, so here it goes:

1. Did the Lions also trade their entire being and sense of self with the Jets? What happened to us? The Lions must be lactose intolerant because they went to Wisconsin, got cheesed, and shit the bed. Hopefully, better things are to come. I still believe in MCDC, but the new coordinators need some work.

2. Gibbs and Chase. I just needed one of them to score a TD to get 135 bucks.

3. Peter won week 1. How could we let that happen? Then again, I’ve played a lot of Secret Hitler, so I guess I get how it could have happened. He’s a sneaky deviant. We can’t let this trend continue.

4. Still pissed that we have to buy a jersey if we get last place. Is it not punishment enough to scrape and struggle through the whole season, going through anxiety-ridden Sundays?

5. Javonte Williams. I have him in a ton of other leagues, and he rode my bench. I’m pissed because when I play him next week, he’ll get 3 points. Conversely, when I play him over Pacheco (fraud alert?), Pacheco will have a monster game.

That’s all I’ve got to complain about today.

Yours truly,

Old Man Maurer

CHOPPED! Update

*A manic Elon Musk hosts out fantasy show “Chopped” where is snorts ketamine and yells at the screen giving you updates about the spinoff league (think Rick and Morty type of Hyperbole)

Elon: WELCOME TO OUR SURVIAL SHOW -

Crowd: CHOPPED!

Elon: So cool, so cool! Where we update you (he points to the camera) on the chopped league!

Crowd: Cheers

Elon: LETS GET STARTED (snorts a line)

Crowd: Cheers again!

Elon: Okay, after week one the hilarious move of Bryce Maurer autodrafting and being with his kid a bed time didn’t pay off as he-

Crowd: BOOOOO!

Elon: I know, right? Like where’s the woman (he laughs robotically) … anyway, Bryce’s team looked decent but GETTING CHOPPED means players like CeeDee, AJ Brown, and Omarion are on the waivers. Time to bid - Thank god for Capitalism right?

Crowd: Cheers

Elon: Bryce we are sending you home with a brand new Binky and Apron so you can focus on your house chores

Crowd: Laughs

Elon: Cheers to himself like a baby on stage … alright join us next week on

All together: CHOPPED

Fantasy Matchup Picker

Scumper’s Thumpers v. Orenthal James

0%Scumper’s Thumpers
0%Orenthal James

New Cavinder Boobies v Squirtin Manning

0%New Cavinder Boobies
0%Squirtin Manning

2 Gurleys 1 Kupp v. Deanith

0%2 Gurleys 1 Kupp
0%Deanith

Alvin and the Chipmonks v. Diddler

0%Alvin and the Chipmonks
0%Diddler

Big Kupp Hunters v. Daddy

0%Big Kupp Hunters
0%Daddy

Hiff Clangers v. Milky Cream Dream Team

0%Hiff Clangers
0%Milky Cream Dream Team

Fantasy Meme of the Week