Week Thirteen Newsletter

Nicholas Vichinsky
Nov 25, 2025
5 min read

Morning Huddle

“And let me tell you YOU something, mister.” A little voice over said, and then the sound drowned out into ruffles of grumpiness, complaints that didn’t matter, and shit talk.

As the blah blah voice rumbled on like a spastic Charlie Brown teacher. Nick looked around the room. He saw his employee of the month trophies, he saw his calendar, which counted down the day, he saw his 13th story window office that looked out to the brick tower next door (they promised him a room with a view, but brick was not a view).

He shuffled through his mail and came across a young lady smiling on a magazine cover. She was tanned and wore yellow, the header TAKE YOUR 3 WEEK VACATION TODAY.

He flipped the magazine open, CALL NOW 1-800-CLINCHED. In his head, he saw coconuts, margaritas, and turquoise water. He felt warm sand under his feet. He sighed and closed his eyes.

From the phone line, “HEY, do you hear me! I have a problem with you! Why don’t you come see me in person? Why don't you hang out with me?!”

Nick picked up the phone, “Pipe, I’m going on bye.”

And he hung up the phone. Smiled and packed his bags.

Commissioner’s Corner

Good evening, good morning, and good night, people of the NFFL.

I wanted to start by saying how much I love boogers and tutus. Wearing tutus after I braid my beard makes me feel like the prettiest commish at the ball!

Farts are funny too, but not as funny as boogers.

That’s all!

Cheers!

Tears and Jeers

Tears

I legit was about to crack a joke and reflect and say “man don’t interject now and catch a stray” - Brando
Already starting a Carolina panthers WR, should put up about the same points - Nick
Sko cats doesn’t even matter any more - Pete
Respectfully, JJ McCarthy can rupture his Achilles any day now - Zach

Jeers

Oof early call from the mindfuck who knows just how bad diddlers team can be.
#CaughtKarmaFarming - Chris
Hilarious they send Russ out for the coin toss - Beadle
It was a magical time to be alive. Like pre-WWII USA - Bryce

Power Clangings

Team Name	Power Rankings but I'm just gonna curse or reverse jinx you or your team
Scumper's Thumpers	Can't say anything about a team that has a bye. They worked hard for that and we should just crown them as 2025 NFFL Champions (regular season)
Orenthal James Simpson	I revoke my curse on Jahmyr Gibbs ;)
Deanith	You're a really good commissioner and a lock to make the playoffs in this league. S'proud of all your accomplishments and hard work this year sweetie
Milky Cream Dream Team	Ceedee just had a bad game he won't drop any passes when it matters most for your fantasy football matchup rest assured you will be ok with him on your roster.
Daddy	Can't reverse jinx Daddy's team but I just hope that some day the Lions jersey I bought you last year gets really itchy or uncomfortable or something.
Diddler	Actually so much love for this guy and his team. He's the best fantasy football manager out of all the Maurer boys. Would never wish anything bad to happen to Bijan or Jeanty
The Tylenol Bandits	Ferris is WAY better than GVSU
The Underachievers	Zach don't worry about the toilet bowl you won't even advance past the 1st round
Squirtn' Manning	(This is my only serious one) La bruja (The Witch) says you'll avenge your prior loses and make the playoffs and all of us in the toilet bowl will live vicariously through you and your team as you pick off the swine atop this power rankings. Go be great king.
Crab Leg Buffet	Ryan Day is a compitent coach that doesn't get nervous against TTUN. Nothing to worry about here. Easy game with a well coached and executing team.
N.W.C (New World Clang)	You aren't the Dallas Cowboys of this league and everyone doesn't secretly think that. You'll definitely make the playoffs again next year.
Cavinder Boobs are BACK	Michigan 100% lock to win this weekend I'm betting my luxury loft apartment on them. Book it.

Thanksgiving Superlative Winners

The Golden Drumstick - Win it all:

Scumper's Thumpers

The Burnt Biscuit Award - Loser of the League:

Cavinder Boobs are BACK

Wildest Turkey - Most Unpredictable:

Deanith

Dinner Plate Disappointment - High Expectations but Fell Short:

Just Average

Wishbone Victor - Squeaking out a Win:

OJ Simpson

"I Think I Ate Too Much Award - Overthinking Lineup:

Diddler

Mashed Potatoes and Pumpkin Pie - Best Player / Manager Combo:

Nick S / Jonathan Taylor

Pete's Piper

Gentlemen, start your engines. It is officially rivalry week. Two of the best teams in football meet to see who can have the glory. One team is on a streak of putting this team in the absolute dirt, while the other is statistically the best team in football. But who cares, when it’s rivalry week, records get thrown out the window. It is all pure hate, and fuck you, football. This game has huge implications as well. One team is fighting to be number 1 in the playoffs, while the other is fighting for the same thing. Ladies and gentlemen, the oldest rivalry in fantasy football presents itself again. The Isabella. Thumpers vs Orenthal. LETS GO!

Villain of the Week: Week 12

The people need a hero. For too long, the bottom 6 have been beaten and battered by the top 2 teams. With modest (more often than not low) scoring outputs, the bottom 6 have continued to lose week after week, resulting in anger, resentment, and a sour outlook on life (aka depression). The people deserve a hero to rid us of these “super teams” that have taken over the top of the leaderboard. In the coming weeks, I hope Daddy, Milky Cream, or Squirt can put Scumper’s Dumpers and Oral Simpson into their graves. We deserve justice for the beatings we’ve received. Let a hero rise to give us hope against the evil villains that are Peter and Nick V.

Playoff Primer

Team Name Wins Losses Ties

x-Scumper's Thumpers 🏆 10 2 0

Orenthal James Simpson 8 4 0

Milky Cream Dream Team 7 5 0

Tiebreaker between Diddler, Milky Cream Dream Team
Won points for by having more points for than the specified team(s): Diddler: 77.38

Diddler 7 5 0

Daddy 6 6 0

Squirtn’ Manning 6 6 0

Deanith 6 6 0

The Tylenol Bandits 6 6 0

Tiebreaker between Squirtn’ Manning, The Tylenol Bandits, Deanith, Daddy
Won points for by having more points for than the specified team(s): Squirtn’ Manning: 26.42, The Tylenol Bandits: 133.06, Deanith: 93.76

Crab Leg Buffet 5 7 0

Grumbles by Old Man Maurer

No grumbles this week. I’m a lucky fuck. OH-IO

Old Man Maurer

Pick’em

Scumper's Thumpers v. OJ Simpson

Scumper's Thumpers
OJ Simpson

Cavinder Boobs are BACK v. Squirtin' Manning

Cavinder Boobs
Squirtin' Manning

The Tylenol Bandits v. Deanith

The Tylenol Bandits
Deanith

Just Average v. Diddler

Just Average
Diddler

Crab Leg Buffet v. Daddy

Crab Leg Buffet
Daddy

N.W.C v. Milky Cream Dream Team

N.W.C
Milky Cream Dream Team