Week Twelve Newsletter

Nicholas Vichinsky
Nov 18, 2025
6 min read

Morning Huddle

All I ever wanted was to bring life into this world. To rid the horror of death. I vowed that I would be campiononless no longer.

My journey started very young when my father Nicholas Grant Frankenscumps trained me to be a fantasy surgeon, there were no room for mistakes with him, my father scared me.

He wanted me to be the best. Bantering me with statistics on the back of football cards,

“How many rushing attempts did Laurence Maroney have in 2007”

I was playing with legos. I was 10

Years old.

Without looking up, I responded, “180, father.”

Without hesitation, hey hit me.

“Close doesn’t win championships, Nicholas.” And he walked away.

Alas, I was too young to understand, but he would be setting the stage for my ambition, I would construct from the grave a companion made from the scraps of the NFL greats.

The formula and the parts…were not easy to find. At first, I looked for potential I thought the capturing youth would make it easier for me to capture life, but I gave that all up for the promise of greatness. I extracted pieces of Jamar Chase, Christian McCaffery and Tyreek Hill.

But it didn’t work, hands and body baptized by the crimson blood, I had to make the correct changes. Despite my best calculations the pieces weren’t fleshing. Leg, arm, ankles and muscles kept breaking. This had to be perfect.

I invested in high floor players, focusing on consistency. Which led to my subjects being seemingly - well - older than I would have liked. However, the beauty of the bloody creature meshed. Tendons and bone structure were strong and seamless. Bones were large and dense and the creatures heart proved it had longevity. I could even extract pieces from older players I had then disposed of like Joe Burrows toes and Jacoby Brissetts arm.

In my madness I had a chance to look at myself. The creature is almost sewed, stitch, and ready. But the image in the mirror was blurred and stained. I could not see my own image. Was Nicholas Grant Frankenscumps a genius? A god! Or… was he an abomination made from the broken and believed in the fantasy?

Commissioner’s Corner

God forbid someone’s bushier than normal

-Cheers,

Tears and Jeers

Tears

Whatever you do today do it with the 75 members of the Thundering Herd in your heart. It’s Destiny for Pete to ride the Bull tonight. - Eric
Awesome day when both of your RBs go down with knee injuries - Branden
I believe it is your anus that is the problem Dean - Nick S

Jeers

Pete just got called Abercrombie and bitch by a 50 year old - Chris
Reminds me of the South Park little league baseball episode -Zach
Fractured vagina I believe - Nick S

Power Clangings

Team Name	Power Rankings of your team but if a caveman wrote it.
Scumper's Thumpers	Ugh! SCUMPS MAN is KING CAVE-MAN! He SMART! He trick other cave-men with TRADES and use funny MEMES to make them sad! He is the PUPPET-MAN who pull our strings from dark shadow! Or maybe like QB MAN who tell his strong men where to stand so he no fall down! SCUMPS man versus PETE MAN in big final fight for ISABELLA 2.0! Big fight!
Daddy	Ugh! First time, JOE MAN no know what to do with his DADDY TEAM player list! But now, like CAVE-MEN learn FIRE, he grab the POWER OF ROSTER AND TRADE! He rise like FIRE BIRD from dead ash! He now CONTROL strong list of player men who fight HARD all year! Will be fun to watch them fight hard to the end!
Orenthal James Simpson	Hmm. OJS TEAM and PETE MAN still walk together for this evil goal league torture... or maybe no? Maybe PETE MAN no bad-man like we think? Maybe he change his LEAF and is GOOD GUY now! He make league laugh and watch good football with his player men! Me think he go ALL THE WAY! No one can stop him from BIG WIN, not even HIMSELF!
Milky Cream Dream Team	Grrr! MILK MAN make this team STRONG! They ready for big push to PLAY-OFFS! IMPRESSIVE WIN! They beat OJS TEAM and just SQUEAK OUT small win! Me sure PETE MAN want RE-VENGE now! He try end CON MAN'S sun-time by kick him out of play-offs, or try make BAD TRADE, or sneak into his sleep-cave and push PILLOW on CON'S FACE while he sleep-sleep!
Deanith	Ooh! Look! MISTER BIRD-BOY finally going UP! Big win! Now talk start! Talk about COMMISH-MAN cheat to win many games and get close to PLAY-OFFS! The STAND-ARD is the STAND-ARD with this team! They make STRONG NUMBERS! Bad thing is he put KENNETH WALKER on BENCH! That was Walker-man's sun-time to run many times with the SEA-HAWK men!
Squirtn' Manning	DANG! He LOSE this sun-time! But how much sad for man called SQUIRT who just get new, cute PUPPY named JUNE? Not much sad! Bad loss this week, but me need win like BIG MAN ANDY REID need his CHICKEN NUGGETS! Me no cheer for you now, SQUIRT, but me no throw bad curse on you either! Better sun-times come! TREVOR back to starting lineup, and J. T. come off bye time! Good things come!
Crab Leg Buffet	Agh! BAD LOSE to UNDER-A-CHIEVERS this sun-time! But CRAB LEG BUFFET team still hold their own DESTI-NY in hands! Me feel like it my fault too! Me no take PETE to the BAR with the FAKE BULL that move! ERIC tell me to! So ERIC and team have LOW ENERGY! Need wide-catch men to play BETTER! But HENDERSON on the PATS team, he is FLASHY! He make good noise!
The Underachievers	Ugh! This team name TRICKY for newsletter readers! If team win BIG again, ZACH must name team "LAW OF A-VER-AGES!" Big, strong win over CRAB LEG BUFFET! It is GOOD SIGHT to see GENO SMITH on your BENCH now! Next, you must throw him away, CUT HIM with sharp rock, or be SMART and TRICK DIDDLER! Make DIDDLER think GENO save his SEA-SON and trade him!
The Tylenol Bandits	Ugh! SAD WIN for TYLENOL BANDITS! They get CURB STOMP by SCUMPS man! Even worse, they no even get to 80 points! Me think this team not drop down on power rank, but like their OWNER CRUT, this team is WILD CARD! No know if they get to PLAY-OFFS or not! Up and down like rock on wave!
N.W.C (New World Clang)	Hmm. Some say BRANDO MAN make team win! He put good player men in good line! Other say player men finally want fight for FRONT NAME on jersey, not BACK NAME on jersey! But WE KNOW true reason team win! Team change NAME in middle of SUN-DAY time! Now they NEW WORLD CLANG! You must pray you no see NEW WORLD CLANG on big water! They make CLANG and WIN!
Diddler	Grrr! WHAT THE HELL, DIDDLER! Me think we tell you WIN! All other bad men no got good stuff you give league! We want see MAURER GUSTO mixed with little bit Z-EST and that SOUR DOUGH STUFF maybe some FREEK! Bad, bad lose this week and me sorry, but me hope your little FREEKY ASS lose again! Me need big win to get to PLAY-OFFS!
Cavinder Boobs are BACK	Ugh! CAVINDER BOOBS them back for small time, but then MOMENTUM GONE! Like rock fall down hill, it stop fast! Big SAD for BEEF man and his club this SEA-SON, they now OFFISH-ALLY done for playoffs, they LOSE STATIS-TICK! No more game for them this year! Wish them good win for next SEA-SON! THREE FINGERS UP!

Playoff Primer

Villain of the Week

Villain of the Week: Week 11

What a rough week for a lot of players. Congrats to beef for being eliminated, and sorry to Eric for reverse jinxing your team with an early GG. Jamar Chase, what are you doing dude? Just an extra body on the field this week. Not to mention I fully sided with you when you said you didn’t spit. Bad look when there are cameras everywhere that catch you fully spitting on Ramsey. You earn villain of the week for week 11, and week 12 if you stay suspended for a game.

That’s what I have for this week, fucking Jamar Chase

Grumbles by Old Man Maurer

Grumbles

Well, my reign was short lived and my kingdom is crumbling. I fear I may have picked up a case of the cough. I don’t think I have a lot grumble about except my call for a change in the number of IR spots on our roster for next year. Other than that, I just have to be frustrated with my team and myself. Grumble grumble.

Xoxo

Old Man Maurer

iRobot Pete

Oompa Loompa doopity dee,

Ryan Beadle’s out of the playoffs, you see.

Oompa Loompa doopity doo,

How did his whole roster vanish on cue?

What do you get when your team doesn’t score?

Low-point weeks that make the league bored.

Drafting players who never pan out…

Everyone knew that his squad was in doubt!

Oompa Loompa doopity dee,

If you were Ryan you’d also agree:

Sitting at home while the big dogs advance,

Watching his season collapse at a glance.

Oompa Loompa doopity doo,

Ryan Beadle… the playoffs said “NOPE!” to you.

Turkey Day Superlatives - Voting

The Golden Drumstick: League Favorite to Win it All

0%Scumper’s Thumpers
0%Orenthal James Simpson
0%Daddy
0%Squirtn’ Manning

The Burnt Biscuit Award: Lower of the League

0%Cavinder Boobs are BACK
0%N.W.C
0%Crab Leg Buffet
0%The Underachievers

Wildest Turkey: Most Unpredicatable to Make the Playoffs

0%OJ Simpson
0%Daddy
0%Squirn’ Manning
0%Milky Cream Dream Team

Dinner Plat Disappointment: The Team who had the Highest Expectations who Failed

0%N.W.C
0%Cavinder Boobs Are Back
0%Crab Leg Buffet
0%The Underachievers

Wishbone Victor: Player who squeaks out a win every week

0%Scumper’s Thumpers
0%OJ Simpson
0%Daddy
0%Squirtn’ Manning

“I think I ate Too Much Award”: Person who overthinks their lineup

0%Scumper’s Thumpers
0%Cavinder Boobs are Back
0%OJ Simpson
0%N.W.C

Mashed Potatoes and Pumpkin Pie: Best Manager / Player Combo

0%Peter Maurer / Drake Maye
0%Conor H / Jared Cook
0%Beadle / Bucky Irving?
0%Daddy / Hurts

Pickem’

OJ Simpson v. Crab Leg Buffet

0%OJ Simpson
0%Crab Leg Buffet

Scumper’s Thumpers v. Daddy

0%Scumpers Thumpers
0%Daddy

Cavinder Boobs are BACK v. The Tylenol Bandits

0%Cavinder Boobs
0%Tylenol Bandits

Squirtn’ Manning v. Deanith

0%Squirtn’ Manning
0%Deanith

The Underachievers v. Milky Cream Dream Team

0%The Underachievers
0%Milky Cream Dream Team

Diddler v. N.W.C

0%Diddler
0%N.W.C