Morning Huddle
A wind gusts through the sand and wraps around a man’s boot. A smoking cigarette falls next to him and he takes his first steps into the cantina.
In the corner, a band plays something soft and off-key as the man approaches the bar. Holding up one finger. The bartender nods and turns around at this task. No one else acknowledges the man. Despite this false sense of security, he keeps his eyes peeled.
A drink slides to him. He picks it up before taking one more look around his back but as he picks up the drink there’s a click and a muzzle to his back. The language isn’t easily understood but he knew why this man was here.
“Alright take it easy,” he puts his hand up.
The bounty hunter speaks.
“I know he’s frustrated, you don’t think I’m frustrated too?” They walk to toward a booth in the corner.
The bounty hunter tilts his head and says something - clearly aggravated or wanting for backup.
“Don’t you think I want wins too? Tell Jaba to relax, after a few more trades - with the deadline coming up, he will have his players to make the postseason and I’ll have mine.”
The bounty hunter laughs, “Hmmmm, Solo -“ he clicks his gun.
Just then Solo shoots the bounty his smoking body face down on the cantina table. Solo gets up and throws a bench player to the bartender, “for the mess.” He thinks to himself- “Now where do I get a league winner?”
Commissioner’s Corner
“Corner” Scumps says at 6 am.
“Corner,” I say back 5 mins later, unsure of what he means.
“Brilliant,” he says.
“??” I say.
“Commissioners corner”. Scumps dumps on me.
Fuck me in the ass. Here are my cornered thoughts.
-Why is Branden still allowed in this league he hasn’t tried once all season. eye roll
-Branden might beat Nick Sowell next week which gets my jollies off.
-If that’s the case, Branden’s been trying so hard all season, why would anyone question him?
-Scumps is gonna take the win this year I can feel it.
-god I’m cranky this morning
-have a great day.
Commish
Tears and Jeers
Tears
“Scumps been trying to get on his roof for months“ - Pete
“Just finished making Mac and Cheese for dinner, working on order Kaitlyn a knife for her purse cause she’s had a couple of fuckin weirdos come up to her and tell her “your body my choice”, waiting for her pain meds to kick in so I can watch iron Mike kill Jake Paul” - Crit
“‘Touch your toes’ Pete tells that to you boys a lot doesn’t he?” - Eric
“I’ll never be able to hang Christmas lights :( I guess my daughter will just grow up in a dark Christmas.” - Nick V
Jeers
“Starbucks cashier looked like Riley Reid 🚨🚨🚨🚨“ - Pete
- “Did you ask her to put Cream in your coffee?” - Nick S
- “Also, no pic?” - Nick S
- “Did you tell her about NFFL 2023?” - Joe
- “I told her I didn’t have money to pay and asked if there was anything else I could do, but she just told me to fuck off and leave the drive-thru “ - Pete
“Daddy, Squirt, and Scrappy-Doo when they realize they’re the only boys that have swept the Maurer Boys.” - Joe
“Not sure how many of you participate in NNN, but mine was broken thanks to Kirby Joseph” - Zach
“Tank Dell is my superhero I hope he gets more touches than Nico Collins 🤪💦😩😩“ - Chris
Power Rankings with Branden Knorr
Team | Power Ranking of Team (But I'm depressed because power rankings don't matter thanks Beef) |
Diggs 4 Puka Shells | Scary Terry and the Spooky Bunch. Lots of points scored and no stopping em. |
Fuck Peter Harlan Mau | Don't need to say much future champion here. |
Je Ne Saquon | Just like a fine wine Je Ne Saquon has been getting better with time. Performances like this past weekend are why this roster can compete for a title. |
Diddler | HE DIDDLED HIS OWN BROTHER! But hey a win is a win so get it king. Starting roster looks good but depth could be an achilles heal for this team. |
Daddy | Full roster just an unfortunate loss. Daddy and the gang just need to stay the course and they'll be good. |
Milky Cream Dream Team | Starting to question some of my previous takes on this roster. I think they are good but unsure if they will be able to generate enough points against the big dogs at the top. |
Scumper's Thumpers | Confused by the Marv trade considering Ceedee was WR 4 and they still fed him. Scraps might be drinking the same cactus juice as Rodgers so he sees the big picture. This team is still fighting and positioning themselves well. |
Dictator Dean | Staying alive but I wish they weren't. Nico Collins returning is huge for Mr.Commish. There might be a doomsday scenario where Dean makes the yoffs and in that case you can find me fleeing to Costa Rica |
Squirtn Manning | |
The Whittakers | Cumbacks got some pre-cum off this past weekend. Probably for the best since they don't want to blow their load before crucial games in the TB playoffs |
Default Team Name | Really like the trade Crit made to solidify the QB room. I think that'll be clutch for him to aviod moving on in the TB |
Hiff Clangers | Poopoo Mcgoo this team stinks! But there's hope this upcoming week for them to get a win. Watch out Squidly |
Crit’s Thoughts
Cannot wait to have Peter Maurer in the toilet bowl this year. Welcome to the shit show.
Guest Picker with 4 JV football players
Scumper's Thumpers Vs. Je Ne Saquon
Student one (transcript): How did you get Ceedee and Tyreek on the same team? Okay, I’m just going to go one by one on players. Barkley or Kyren? Barkley. Hurts or Herbert? Hurts - he’s on my fantasy team. Monty or Conner? Monty. Tyreek is washed. Ceedee has Cooper Rush throwing to him and Hopkins is old. Hock over Njoku I’m going Saquon team.
Scumper's Thumpers Vs. Je Ne Saquon
0%Scumper's Thumpers
0%Je Ne Saquon
Cumbacks Vs. Deanith
Student two: Cumbacks? Coach - what? And Deny-ith? Uhhhh Deny-ith.
Cumbacks Vs. Deanith
0%Cumbacks
0%Deanith
Fuck Chris Cuckface Spray Vs. Raise Hell Praise Dale
student three: Skibbidi - I’m sorry I’m sorry. I pick F Chris - what the hell? What are these names?
Fuck Chris Cuckface Spray Vs. Raise Hell Praise Dale
0%Fuck Chris Cuckface Spray
0%Raise Hell Praise Dale
Squirtin' Manning Vs. Hiff Clangers
Student Four: These teams are bad. How many teams do you have in this league? Jayden Daniels is the truth so Squirtin’.
Squirtin' Manning Vs. Hiff Clangers
0%Squirtin' Manning
0%Hiff Clangers
Diddler Vs. Daddy
Student one: Diddler? Common coach. Do you know who that is? Diddler for the name.
Diddler Vs. Daddy
0%Diddler
0%Daddy
Diggs 4 Puka Shells Vs. Milky Cream Dream Team
Student Two: Milky Cream Because Lamar is him.
Diggs 4 Puka Shells Vs. Milky Cream Dream Team
0%Diggs 4 Puka Shells
0%Milky Cream Dream Team
Picker Rankings
1. Penis Maurer (5-1)
Majorie (5-1)
1.Nick Vichinsky (5-1)
2. Sabrina Carpenter (4-2)
2. Rachel Prowse (4-2)
2.Allyson Maurer (4-2)
2.Molly Rider-Vichinsky (4-2)
2. Stephen Pepps (4-2)
3.Katie (3-3)
4. Shane Gillis (1-4-1)
Fantasy Meme of the Week
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