Week Fourteen Newsletter

Nicholas Vichinsky
Dec 2, 2025
8 min read

Morning Huddle

Nick enters the presser. The camera flashes bright. He is wet from the Gatorade bath, wearing goggles, and smiling.

Nick: Good Evening. Obviously super excited for this, it’s not a small task in any sport to clinch the number one seed, a bye, and to do it before everyone else still needs to clinch. It has been a special regular season. I’ll open the field to questions!

Reporter One: Nick, fantastic season. Week after week, you made gutsy calls. Can you talk about your prep process? Specifically, how you map out multiple possible outcomes for every matchup - even the wild ones -and somehow keep all those branching paths straight in your head?

Nick: Thank you, uh, great questions. I think you just have to consider the most probable. There were a lot of swings of luck this year. If I showed you some of the trades that could have been, it would have really sank the season. We got a lot of guys in the locker room on the right path at the right time. Sometimes that was foresight, sometimes that was looking at what we needed.

Reporter One looks confused.

Reporter Two: Nick, huge congrats on locking up the bye. Quick question: during close games, you’re known for pausing longer than most coaches before making a decision. Some call it hesitation, others say you’re calculating the consequences of every possible move. How do you balance risk, reward, and the… let’s call it… chaos factor?

Nick: Kids and their new terms. Ha. Chaos factor…. Listen, at the end of the day people are just people. I think with every “hesitation..” there are a million calculations that are going on. “How many targets is this guy averaging”, “Who is going to get the rock the most,” “What’s the defense they’re playing look like the past two weeks,” my mindset shifted from long term success to two week outcomes.

Reporter Two: Follow up, is “rock” a new type of villain or what is that referencing?

Nick: What? Don’t be weird reporter two, yes you, with the elvish ears.

Reporter Three: Nick, piggybacking off your point about short-term outcomes… When you’re setting your weekly strategy, how much are you taking into account the, uh… terrain modifiers? Like, do you have a different approach when the matchup is in, say, a wide-open field versus a more enclosed… cavernous environment? Analysts say it really affects mobility for certain… players.”

Nick notices a few reporters nodding seriously, one flipping through a leather-bound notebook covered in sigils.

Nick: Scratches his head. I mean, I guess. I consider what home field advantage minght look like. In terms of cavernous? Domes play a huge role in performance. If you’re talking about domes, just say domes. Uhm, did I answer you question?

A murmur spreads. Several reporters exchange looks as if Nick just spoke something unfamiliar.

Reporter Four: Leans forward eagerly. “Right, right, but to clarify, when you say “home-field advantage,” are you referring to the protective wards you’ve placed around your headquarters, or is that an inherited boon from your… background feature? We had a whole debate on the panel show this morning about whether you get advantage on initiative rolls inside your own lair.

Nick: Nick blinks hard. Someone in the back adjusts a wizard hat. It clicks for him. Oh! Ohhhhh….. ope. I think I came to the wrong fantasy presser. This is my Dungeon’s and Dragons press room in my head isn’t it.

Reporter Five: A stocky, ugly, dwarf barbarian that looks like Pete speaks up, Yes m’lord. Fantasy Football Presser is down the hall!

Commissioner’s Corner

It’s been a good year.

Could it have been better?

Certainly.

Because is anything really ever good enough?

Probably not.

End of the day we can all attest to another gorgeous year of fantasy football though!

Or can we?

Can we all?

Or will Joey B sit and think about the deal he signed with the devil this year.

Perhaps one Peter Maurer, who’s team took an abysmal loss this week to the devil himself, will bow his head in shame at the swindlers act he performed to show his true colors.

But likely not. They likely won’t.

In turn, we will, like a phoenix, rise from the ashes again next season.

And do the same fucking thing.

We can only pray someone causes even more of a stir… in 2026.

Commish

Tears and Jeers

Tears

Unfortunately I don’t have an eric sized oven or I’d fucking cook him rn - Chris
I’m selling my curses and reverse jinxes - Branden
Joe is acting like he won’t have to fight the Frankenstein monster he created in the playoffs - Nick

Jeers

This kid can’t hurt me not worth the time. Just like trying to watch him do stand up. - Eric
Bryce being fake good at fantasy for a few weeks - Beadle
Also congrats to Brando for being knocked out of the yoffs, Oompa Loompa song gonna hit different on Tuesday - Pete

Power Clangings

Team Name	Power Rankings (For teams that are eliminated from the playoffs I will attempt to predict when they will be freed from the Toilet Bowl. For teams in contention I will attempt to predict if they make the playoffs and for how long)
Scumper's Thumpers	Locked in for the yoffs. I liked the trade last week to turn this roster into the mon-STARS. Scumper's Thumpers are a bunch of winners and they taunted Pete with the Isabella twice this year. I see them winning it all.
Orenthal James Simpson	Bitter manager and bitter trades are the only things I can say about this organization. I was in this man's corner and he was in my heart but the word CORNBALL holds a lot of weight in my household and now I have to take a stance. Orenthal James Simpson you have RUINED my FANTASY LIFE. Pete loses in week 14 drops in the rankings and then loses to Scumps for the third time this year.
Deanith	Dean and his team are hot. Hot like Ana De Armas hot, so hot that you don't know what to do with her like that hot, and I'm sure Dean's little slender frame and balls full of cum are ready to buss once they make the yoffs. I see some goodluck instore for Deanith and the boys and they sneak in to make it to the the semifinals.
Milky Cream Dream Team	Steamy Milk Man putting the pain on other fantasty managers and teams in this league. Some of Con's core players are on desperate NFL teams IRL and that bodes well for the Dream Team's playoff hopes and aspirations. Mahomes, Cook, and Lamb are gonna Punt, Pass, and Kick Con into the playoffs, but unfortunately they will lose in the first round to the D*ddler
Diddler	Dddler, Dddler, and more Dddler. Just like Bloody Mary we asked for the Dddler to appear and he showed up ready to DDDLE our teams with his reverse jinx and Eeyore energy. I hate to say this but Dddles makes the playoffs and they go DEEP and violate some teams on this path of self deprication. Watch out you don't want to get any of his goon juice on you.
Daddy	Joe is right there in the mix for the playoffs and the trade last week with Scumps was helpful for week 13. I think Burrow takes a step back in week 14 and Daddy doesn't make the playoffs opening up a slot for Deanith to slide in. Part of me is manifesting this because we can't leave the door cracked for Joe to make a playoff run, and I can't potentially buy him another jersey. I have plucked half my armpit hair worrying about this scenario. Joe exits the toilet bowl in round one.
Squirtn' Manning	With the Daddy team missing the playoffs in my predictions that leaves the last squad to get in being Squirtn' Manning. I don't know the order of seeding but I know this tall, slender, dark haired, chocolately eyed young man will be present when the playoffs start. Don't let a former 5 star WR/DB that never played highschool football who is white get a little bit of motion. Unfortunately because this man is so youthful and innocent I could see him as a perfect victim for D*ddles.
Just Average	Zach changed their name to Just Average and they just missed the playoffs. Time to start grinding Rocket League again. Maybe we could have an NFFL rocket league in the off season and there are weekly games. Rocket League Commish Zach? We need the strong to lead us. I digress. Zach I fear you may be sticking around in the Toilet Bowl for a couple of weeks so try not to get too stressed, but we all discussed and you can take out any frustrations you may have on Peter Harlan Maurer.
The Tylenol Bandits	Statistically there's still hope for Crit and his team to make the playoffs, but I think any hopes they may have had left when he shipped Pukkake off to Pete-kkake. Crit is out in week 2 of the Toilet Bowl but his team may be hard to flush as they are a big stinky so don't put it past him to meet another BIG STINKY in the Toilet Bowl Championship
Crab Leg Buffet	Tough luck for Eric losing the Sun God early on during Turkey Day. Congrats on winning against UM and I don't think there is anything that could bring Eric down for the next year. He won't be stressing much because he'll be out in week 1 of the Toilet Bowl. Next year we'll get em and they won't keep the two Stillers fans out of the playoffs.
Clang Curse	I'm making it my mission to exit the Toilet Bowl as quickly as possible. My team has so many points for and SO MANY POINTS AGAINST which is UNFAIR. We aren't even that bad we are just fucking unlucky. If I had to compare my team to a type of poop we would be a little popcorn chicken nugget poop that doesn't stain the toilet paper or your toilet bowl.
Cavinder Boobs are BACK	BIG OLE STINKY ALERT BIG OLE STINKY ALERT. I don't see any saving grace for Cavinder Boobs team they are destined to sweat this Toilet Bowl season out and end up in the TB Finals. I'm sorry about UM's loss this past week, but on the bright side it sounds like your head coach fucks and FUCKS hard #CongratsOnTheSexSherrone

Playoff Primer

To Get In These Teams Need:

OJ Simpson
1. Win and Get In (Clinch 2 seed) Or Score more than like 30 points
Milky Cream
1. Win and get in (Clinch 2 with a Pete loss)
2. With a loss - and a Daddy and Deanith Win - Could be out of playoffs
Diddler
1. Win and Get in (Could Clinch 2 with a Pete Loss) or Pete Win
2. With loss - Pete Win or Deanith or Squirtin Manning to Lose
Daddy
1. Win and Get In or Don’t get outscored by one of the teams lower with a win
2. With loss - Don’t get outscored
Squirtin’ Manning
1. Win and Get In
2. With loss - Need a Dean loss
Deanith
1. Win AND Need a Squirt loss
2. With loss - Out
Tylenol Bandits
1. Win AND need Squirt and Dean to Lose AND Need to outscore them in Total points

Pete’s Piper

Today we pour one out for the second victim of clang couch meeting his seasonal demise, rip brother, you are truly the cowboys of the league

Today we pour one out for big ric drake, he’s a mean, clean fighting machine but in fantasy football he is the squirrel from ice age.

Lastly we pour one out for sweet Zach, you had so much potential and you met a sorry fate.

Rip to our brothers, just know that you can’t possible lose to Ryan Beadle in the toilet bowl, except maybe you branden, you are very very unlucky

Also last officially playoff model prediction

1 seed Scumps

2 seed Con

3 seed Pete

4 seed Joey

5 seed Squirt

6 seed Dean

Round 1

Joey Vs Squirt

Dean Vs Pete

Joey wins and so does Pete

Semis

Joey vs Nick V

Pete vs Cream

Finals

Pete vs Nick V

CHAMPION

NICK V - Team is complete powerhouse, would need a lot to go wrong to not win. Congrats Scamp.

Grumbles by Old Man Maurer

A cooked goose for everyone. The season of luck has blessed me with a record that doesn’t reflect my abilities. My heart has grown 3 sizes this year, the ice has thawed. A merry week 14 to all who shall be blessed and may the lord bless Peter Maurer in particular, that he may beat Daddy and secure me a spot in the playoffs.

Xoxo

Old Man Maurer