Week Eleven Schedule

Morning Huddle

“But, babe,” she said sleepily from the bed. The warm morning light hit the exposed part of her leg, “come back to bed.”

The man’s inside bubbled with glee, could he finally know peace? He turns away, dask and serious, “there’s something I have to do first” he peaked back over his shoulder and she lay there asleep.

I have to do this… for us.

In the car the sun was rising, it was brisk out, but after his night of drinking last night the cold felt good. He hadn’t thought of where he will go, he was nervous at the thought of addressing it - his mistake was starting to smell.

As he drove he thought about what he was leaving behind. The memories of his old self, granting himself a new one. After this it is only up.

Finally he got to back road that no was on, it bridged over the river. He would dumb it there.

He covered his nose, opened his trunk. He gaggged at the flies and the smell. He picked it up and carried it to the bridge struggling only a little bit.

He paused as he held it over the railing of the bridge, the water rushing below. What do you say?

With a tear in his eye, Ryan Beadle takes a breath. “Here lies my fantasy football season, I love you” he pushes the bag over the edge and walks, a little lighter, to his car.

Commissioner’s Corner

I’m moving you fucks.

Cheers.

Tears and Jeers

Tears

1. Guys, I may have caught the clang cough - Bryce

2. Ok and I take it back she’s not sick I just slept for 12 hours and you made me feel bad - Pete

3. You do realize I’m only 32 you fat bald fuck - Eric

4. Geno and bowers didn’t go off like I planned - Zach

Jeers

1. Pound sand dorks - Eric

2. Imaging being a college coach that steals signs and then you get in trouble but flee to the NFL like a coward and leave ur college program in a worse spot like Jimmy H - Branden

3. Correct because a lion doesn’t concern himself with opinions of Maurer’s - Beadle

Power Clangings

Scumper's Thumpers	An absolute hoss of a team, they are steamrolling everyone. Even though Beef didn't put up much of a fight this week, it will be interesting to see how the Dart performs with Daboll gone.
Squirtn' Manning	With Lamar Jackson back and JT's resurgence season in full effect, Squirt and the boys are dancing. Looks like he kept the right Seattle RB for this week. Hopefully, this team can make a push for the top and fight for the #1 seed.
Orenthal James Simpson	I've fully come back around on this team and this man. I can no longer hate on his greatness and need to just sit back and bear witness to what is yet to unfold. Pete's roster is scary, scary—like thinking about Dean attempting coitus scary.
Daddy	Silent but Deadly Daddy strikes again. Moving in the shadows to slowly build up his wins so he can compete in the playoffs. Everyone was focused on the 50 bomb from J.T. this week, but Achane had himself a sneaky 40.
Big Kupp Hunters	Massive win for The Big Kupp Hunters this week, putting BTA against socially unavailable Cream. Things have cleared up for Henderson a bit, and that helps this roster a ton. The toughest thing I could see moving forward is which QB to start in the superflex spot.
The Tylenol Bandits	Good effort by the Tylenol Bandits and Crit this weekend, just not good enough to beat Daddy's bunch. I think most of Crit's games could look different with the correct streaming options for players. Benching Puka is tough, and hopefully Woody Marks has won possession of the backfield in Houston.
Diddler	Baby Oil has had this team slipping and bumbling and fumbling... FUMBLING THE BAG! Come on, Diddler, where's your fight? Where is that fucking GRUMBLE GRUMBLE GRUMBLE we used to all talk about? Give a little motivational speech to the Diddler men on your roster and get 'em fired up to diddle some people like the good ole days. Playoffs are around the corner; we need you to save us Mr.Diddler!
Milky Cream Dream Team	Tough week for this roster with a good portion of core players on a bye week. Squirt forgot to remind Con that Godwin was designated as OUT, so he started him and missed out on some needed points from other players. With playoffs around the corner, we'll need to see this team lock in for a run.
Deanith	He played, slayed, and flayed the great Clanger... at least that's what they would've said if this was 2021. Not really that impressive beating a minority who's just trying to get back on his feet after being told he's the Dallas Cowboys of this league, but hey, a win is a win. Some say Commish Dean is worse than Mussolini post-WW1.
The Underachievers	Zach, I'm sorry, but people have been tortured for lesser things than the output your lineup gave us this week. This was like Sharknado, the perfect storm for your roster to blow chunks of shit. I believe in the position players, but the QBs aren't gonna cut it.
Hiff Clangers	A name change is coming. This franchise is pathetic, and they need a rebranding badly. I'll be in the lab this week, and hopefully this roster can play spoiler to some playoff hopeful teams because there is NO WAY THAT WE WILL MAKE THE YOFFS.
Cavinder Boobs are BACK	Just one of those years for Beef, and hopefully you are able to pass on your fantasy terminal illness to one of these other poor fellows before the end of the season. If I were rooting for you to give the Clang Cough to anyone specific, it would be Dean.

Pete’s Playoff Prediction

IRobot Pete

Shark Tank: Fantasy Football Edition — “The Vichinsky Investment”

[Opening music plays. The camera pans dramatically across the Sharks — Mark Cuban, Mr. Wonderful (Kevin O’Leary), Lori Greiner, and guest Shark: Pete Maurer, clutching the Isabella trophy.]

ANNOUNCER (voiceover):

Next into the tank is a man who’s on top of the standings, on top of his game, and definitely on top of his own ego.

Scene 1: The Pitch

[Nicholas Vichinsky walks in confidently, wearing a “League’s Best” hoodie and carrying a custom binder labeled “The Blueprint: Vichinsky’s Victory Formula.” by Kevin Vichinsky]

NICHOLAS:

Hello Sharks. My name is Nicholas Vichinsky, and I’m here today asking for 100% of your respect in exchange for the best fantasy football team this season.

I’m currently 8-2, first in the league, and on pace to make a deep playoff run. But I’m not just about the now — I’m about legacy. I have the best all-time record in league history. You could say… I’m the Tom Brady of fake sports.(He chuckles hard and his toupee starts to come off)

Scene 2: The Sharks Get Skeptical

LORI:

You’ve got the best record this year — impressive. But I see here you lost head-to-head to the second-place team?

NICHOLAS (smirking):

Yes, Lori, but even Michael Jordan lost some regular-season games. It’s about the rings — or, well… getting back to the rings.

MARK CUBAN:

You haven’t actually won one in… six years, right?

NICHOLAS:

Technically, yes. My last championship came back when a bunch of rock for brains teams still existed — basically a prehistoric era. But stats don’t lie, Mark. I win more than anyone.

Scene 3: The Isabella Rivalry

[Pete Maurer leans forward, tapping the Isabella trophy like a villain in a Bond movie.]

PETE:

Nick, that’s cute. But tell the Sharks — when’s the last time you won this beauty?

NICHOLAS (gritting his teeth, again his toupee starts to fall):

It’s been three years. The Isabella Trophy — a sacred rivalry between me and Pete — has eluded me lately. But this is the year I take it back.

MR. WONDERFUL:

So let me get this straight: you’re the best this year, best all-time, but haven’t won the league in six years and haven’t beaten Pete for the Isabella in three?

NICHOLAS:

Exactly. That’s why I’m here. I’m seeking validation — and maybe a small investment in future wide receivers under age 30.

Scene 4: The Sharks React

MARK CUBAN:

You’re clearly running the league right now, Nick. But I’m worried about your playoff record. You’re like a regular-season Mahomes , but a postseason Branden Knorr

LORI:

You have dominance, data, and swagger… but can you finish?

NICHOLAS:

Oh, I can finish. Just ask Ryan Beadle and Branden Knorr — I bury people.

LORI:

The absolute worst teams in the league??

PETE:

Except me. Remember Week 2? Head-to-head, baby.

NICHOLAS:

Fluke. Pure variance. My points against are historically low, sure. But I haven't gotten lucky in fantasy football! (He gets mad, again his toupee starts falling off and now his makeup starts running)

LORI:

Please stop crying.

Scene 5: The Offers

MR. WONDERFUL:

Nick, I’ll make you an offer. I’ll call you the best — but only until the playoffs start. Then all bets are off.

LORI:

I’m in — if you promise to finally draft someone born after 1995.

MARK CUBAN:

I’ll offer you a partnership: 50% of the respect, contingent on you actually winning something before your players retire mid-season.

PETE:

I’ll offer you nothing but trash talk and another Isabella win. See you in Week 13.

Scene 6: The Exit

NICHOLAS (smiling, shaking his head):

You can doubt me all you want. But when history’s written, they’ll say: Vichinsky was the best. The drought just made the legend sweeter. Please somebody agree!!

[He walks out, leaving Pete polishing the Isabella trophy smugly.]

[Cut to confessional.]

NICHOLAS:

I’ve been called the best. I’ve been called washed. But this year, I’m both. And that’s dangerous.I already have a fun tip planned to Cancun week 2 of the fantasy playoffs

TAGLINE (voiceover):

Next week on Shark Tank: Nicholas Sowell shows the sharks why the sniffle after making a point is one of the strongest things a man can do.

Fantasy Villain

No segment from me today. Losing by 110 was enough for me this week.

Fantasy Court with Judge Jeudy

Grumbles with Old Man Maurer

Grumble, Jonathan Taylor, Grumble.

-Bryce probably

Matchup Picker

The Underachievers v Big Kupp Hunters

• 0%The Underachievers
• 0%Big Kupp Hunters

Deanith v Diddler

• 0%Deanith
• 0%Diddler

Squirtin Manning v Hiff Clangers

• 0%Squirtin Manning
• 0%Hiff Clangers

Cavinder Boobs are Back v Daddy

• 0%Cavinder Boobs
• 0%Daddy

Scumper’s Thumpers v The Tylenol Bandits

• 0%Scumper’s Thumpers
• 0%The Tylenol Bandits

OJ Simpson v Milky Cream Dream Team

• 0%OJ Simpson
• 0%Milky Cream Dream Team

Fantasy Meme of the Week