Week Three Newsletter

Morning Huddle

A weathered man sits on the corner and he rings his bell.

Please! Salvation is close, listen to him! His bell shakes, he lifts his palms to the air and whispers something to himself.

He looks down and his shoulders droop in exhaustion, a rainbow starts to form over his head and the rain clouds that had past rumble over the distant plain.

He watched disappointedly at the people ignoring him, ignoring god- what these people didn’t understand. He scoffed to himself.

But then there was a man who sat on the corner. He had a stick and traced to dirt in the sand. The beggar approached and down to one knee and held his hand.

“Son, do you need help?”

The man looked up from his stick and didn’t say anything. the beggar patted his hand, “God can help”.

The man looked away. The beggar felt his power rise, “son if you need help, the lord is there,” he handed him an address to church, “go to church tell Pastor that you’re seeking salvation, things will br better.”

The man on the curb amgad a tear in his eye, he sniffled and stood up and started walking toward church. The beggar reached out his hand, “god bless you” as it started to rain again.

The man entered the church with his head down, the preacher stood ready at the entrance as if he’d been expecting him, “Welcome my son,”

The man lifted his head, “I- I need salvation.” The preacher turned his back and giggled.

“Sir?” Said the man. There was a click.

“You see…” said the preacher, turning around with a fat fucking Glock in his hand, “ There’s no salvation in Fantasy Hell”

Commissioner’s Corner

Fuck fantasy football

Cheers,

Commish

Tears and Jeers

Tears

1. This is the longest we have gone without someone saying they fucking hate FF, nice work boys - Pete

2. Justin fields is ass -Nick

3. Scumps been in a funk these past days tell you WHAT - Chris

4. I FUCKING HATE FANTASY FOOTBALL -Beef

Jeers

1. In the future when they make a movie of us, because Chris wins it all but them hires our hits so he gets to keep all the money, who plays each of us? - Brando

2. Beef thank you for starting JJ in the chopped league - Brabro

Power Rankings

Team Name	Details
Orenthal James Simpson	This just feels wrong, but we all know it's right, and we hate it while loving it at the same time. We're all honorary masochists as we hate seeing Pete at the top of this league but love to band together to root against him. Pete and his team are in the top spot this week, and they're out here throttling opponents. I'm sure Pete is very happy with his well-rounded team and how he hasn't had to sell a magic pack of beans to some unsuspecting victim this year to get it. Someone, please stop him.
2 Gurleys 1 Kupp	Crit is climbing up the ranks again following another solid performance in Week 2. Could he be our only hope to catch Pete and stop him from getting too full of himself? God, I hope so. I'm not surprised with the scoring output we saw from Crit's team this week as he has some absolute dawgs. I am interested to see how he navigates having an open bench slot now that Reed is out with a broken collarbone. Please save us from Peter Maurer, Crit Senpai.
Diddler	Rounding out the top three is the oldest Maurer brother, Bryce. Even though his team didn't have a high scoring output this week, I think they still deserve the third spot because when they pop, they really pop. It's kind of like when you're in the middle of a freak off and wrestling in a kiddie pool of baby oil and the light hits your oblique just right to some it's considered a flash of pure brilliance. I digress, I digress. Our league is in shambles if the Maurer men are at the top, so I'll be praying for things to be shaken up next week.
Squirtn' Manning	From zero to hero, from one to won. Squirt made an improbable comeback against Beef this week, and I think that calls for a rise in our weekly ranks. I counted this team out with the suspensions, but they've proved me wrong each week. We're inching closer to Addison and Rice being back, and with Squirt now at 2-0, a storm is on the horizon. A squirt storm. That sounds like a reddit thread Dean would visit back in college. This team could be propelled even higher and be competing for a top spot later in the season.
Alvin and the Chipmunks	Zach's team stumbled a bit this week with a low scoring output. I'm chalking this up to an off week for everyone but Rodgers (I'm in and out on believing in him and the Steelers team) and the early-season struggle to find the best mix of players to optimize a lineup. There were definitely points left on the bench that Zach would've appreciated seeing in his starting lineup, but I'm sure he'll figure out the right combination (Jamaican Voice) to get back into the win column. Hopefully not next week, though.
Milky Cream Dream Team	Great week two from Con and the Cream Team. I just wish it wasn't against the Hiff Clangers... and I'm sure Pete won't let me hear the end of this. Looking at the Cream Team roster after two weeks, I like how top heavy they are. I think there's definitely potential for some of his top guys to be consistent fantasy scorers throughout the season and keep this team in the hunt. I'd love to see Con hit the waiver wire or the trade block to acquire some more depth for his bench, but other than that, keep creaming them.
Big Kupp Hunters	The Kupp Hunters hit big this week, giving us some solid scoring. The major key to this team's success will lie in the Lions' offensive consistency and the number of goalline opportunities Monty can pirate away from Gibbs. It was also promising to see Smith get more opportunities within the Eagles' offense, and I hope that he can keep it up moving forward. I think it may be beneficial to move away from Najee, as he isn't seeing much time for the Chargers' backfield... or seeing much of anything in general since his accident.
Scumper's Thumpers	Another tough week for Scumps and the fellas, as they missed out on bringing home the Isabella this year. I heard the guy who has the trophy doesn't even appreciate her that much. To make matters worse, both Burrow and Ekeler are done for the fantasy season. I think there's still hope for this team, but Scumps will definitely need to acquire another quarterback because crybaby Jones isn't going to cut it as a QB2 for the whole season. I wouldn't be surprised if there's a stack blown on Browning or whoever the Bengals trade for, all to try and keep that Ja'Marr stack alive.
Daddy	Another tough loss for Daddy and the gang. There's nothing blaring about this team other than trying to gauge some consistent running back play from the guys he has. I think there's potential for Cam Skattebo to answer some of these questions, as he seems poised to take over the Giants' backfield. Malik Nabers is a special player and has a real shot to be fantasy WR1 this year if Russ keeps feeding him. I hope Joe cuts Kaleb Johnson, even though he was on the bench this week, but he needs to be punished for letting that kick bounce and then leaving it for the Seahawks to score IRL.
New Cavinder Boob Goofin	All I can see when I look at Beef's Week 2 performance is consistency, along with two quarterbacks on his bench. He didn't have any major booms from his starters, and it was the tight end position that really hurt his team. Going forward, I'll be interested to see if he makes any deals, and trades one of his quarterbacks to improve his roster with another skill player or two. Sorry you're down here at the bottom, Beef. I'd say this is only temporary, but I've been here for two years, so what do I know? Also, thanks for the fantasy realism in the chat, someone has to say the things we are all thinking. I'm really starting to hate my fantasy football life too.
Deanith	Ah yes, the bottom two. The only thing that keeps me sane is knowing I'm down here with my good friend Dean, and there's a chance next week that he loses and I'll have an opportunity to be ranked higher than him. Overall, the Deanith starters this week really put together a great show and gave us some high-scoring numbers. Unfortunately, they didn't have the coke that Dean has been snorting down in Miami, so they couldn't finish the job against Crit. I could see our commish shopping Stafford to also add some depth to his bench. Dean is my fantasy enemy and I will never root for him or his team.
Hiff Clangers	Dear Fantasy Football God, please deliver me from this Dallas Cowboys comparison curse. Pain, pain, and more pain. I am in purgatory, and just when I think I've reached the seventh level of fantasy hell, each week gets worse and worse. This week I thought I was onto something. I decided to change up my lineup a bit, start JCM, and change up my team photo to demonic Jon Gruden. Well, that was about as useful as a poo-poo flavored popsicle, and that's how I feel. I'm lost, but I will find my north star. I have to find my north star. Amen.

Fantasy Villain

Villain of the Week: Week 2

With so many abysmal performances, it’s hard to pick just one villain of the week. That being said, Derrick Henry might take the cake for his utter garbage performance while the Ravens offense still thrived. 2 fumbles in 2 games, and barely reached 20 rushing yards while the Ravens put up 40+ points. Welcome to the villains club, Henry. Hope to never see you here again.

Dear Jill

Dear Jill,

This was supposed to be my year, my time, my moment to win the Isabella, but alas I blew it again :( maybe it’s the world telling me fantasy football isn’t for me or is it telling me to not take Peter Maurer’s scraps anymore. I am defeated. I am broken. But most of all I’m tired. Tired of never being anything since this league became competitive and I would no longer win a league against my football bros who had a combined IQ of 68. I get it now, I’m no more than the bears in this league. A team with high expectations that this will be my year only to meet my maker by the 3rd week. I finally know my place.

Sadly yours,

Anonymous

Fantasy Court with Judge Jeudy

Judge Jeudy vs The People

Gavel smacks

Alright this one is going to be quick. I get that we’re all getting older but what the fuck is this? It’s 2 weeks into the season and there is no anger, no rage, why I remember when this was a proper chaotic league. You’d put your phone down for 30 minutes and have 104 missed texts. You’re all being too mature. This is horse shit. So Judge Jeudy finds each and every one of you soy boy beta cucks guilty of being too nice. Take off the fucking training wheels and start crashing down on each other. What the fuck is this “ope, my Quarterback just got injured, guess I need to trade for a new one and not try to fleece anyone for it❤️” baby back bullshit? Ridiculous. You should all be ashamed. I feel like the lost boys in Hook looking at Lawyer Peter Pan. Absolutely disgraceful that we should all be this mature. Get fucked and let the rage take over or I’m sentencing every one of us to a darkness retreat with Jerry Jones and Pete’s Sleep Paralysis Demon “the man in the suit” that definitely wasn’t just me in a corner.

Be meaner to each other this week so judge Jeudy has better material.

Judge Jeudy opens a bottle of jack and pulls out a paper pack of Marlboro Reds

Court is adjourned

Grumbles with Old Man Maurer

No major grumbles this week. Stay tuned. This joy and happiness will soon disappear. Time will tell but I can almost feel my classic saying starting to form from the phlegm in the back of my throat. Fuhhh fuuuhhhhh fuuuhhhhhhk faaahaaannnta-

Xoxo

Old Man Maurer

CHOPPED!

*Chopped Entry Music plays*

Elon: Yeah! Elon runs around stage in tight jeans and a leather jacket, dark sunglasses!

Crowd: Cheers

Elon: Alright, alright! This week in-

Crowd: CHOPPED!

Elon: Ryan Beadle got CHOPPED! The league some would say are going vegetarian!

Crowd: Laughs and Cheers

Elon: Yes, yes! So good. Like, how will have a nickname like Beef and and lose to a bunch of socialists? Right? Right? Starting players like Justin Jefferson, Drake London, JJ McCarthy, and Trey Henderson his team really was smelly!

Crowd: Audioabley Grossed out

Elon: Beef, we’re sending you home with a new car and a promotion, and a new house! we love the 1% on this show!

Crowd: Cheers!

Elon: See you next week on-

CHOPPED!

Matchup Selector

Diddler v. Milky Cream Dream Team

• 0%Diddler
• 0%Milky Cream Dream Team

Alvin and the Chipmunks v. Hiff Clangers

• 0%Alvin and the Chipmunks
• 0%Hiff Clangers

Squirtin’ Manning v. 2 Gurleys 1 Kupp

• 0%Squirtin’ Manning
• 0%2 Gurleys 1 Kupp

New Cavinder Boob Goofin v. Deanith

• 0%New Cavinder Boob Goofin
• 0%Deanith

Orenthal James Simpson v. Daddy

• 0%Orenthal James Simpson
• 0%Daddy

Scumpers Thumpers v. Big Kupp Hunters

• 0%Scumpers Thunpers
• 0%Big Kupp Hunters

Fantasy Meme of the Week