Week Six Newsletter

Morning Huddle

”Sir, is unleashed.” The security guard listened to his earpiece. The president waited for more news. “It’s worse than before.”

The president's head dropped. He rubbed the middle of his forehead with his pointer finger and thumb. “What do I do?” He whispered to himself. His mind was blank. There were no solutions he could think of. We’re running out of time.

The security guard’s earpiece buzzed again. After a moment of quiet, “It’s been reported that the enemy is building a massive arsenal of biochemical weaponry.”

Silence,

“…it took out Omarion Hampton”

My god.

The clang cough is stronger than ever.

Commissioner’s Corner

It was an interesting week in Gamble-Land. Everyone felt the need to go above and beyond and pick some real interesting Anytime TD options. Brando & Joseph still leading the way in best pickings so far this year, with Crut towing the back at 1. 

This week was at least exciting as we only had a few of our normal picks on the board!

Congrats to Beadle on Evan Engram coming out of the wood work, I take back my commentary.

Branden was our personal parlay of the week - and godamn, does that kid blow. 3 for 8 on the books there but hey who's counting. All I know is, Nick Sowells 'Fidouche' could do a better job managing our gambling than this guy. And if you message Nick now about his Fidouche I hear you get 10% off your first Fidouching.

Lastly as a inter-season update regarding the 2026 election, Commissioner Dean has decided to withdraw his name. this will be his last season. You will not be missed.

Sincheersly, 

Commish Dean

Tears and Jeers

Tears

1. Pacheco is as reliable as a drunken step dad. - Joe

2. Dean let me have this, I only have two more projected wins for the rest of the season - Pete

3. Beef and I are like fuck buddies who keep giving fantasy football chlamydia back to each other. - Brando

Jeers

1. Beef is in the third stage of grief -Con

2. I’m just so grateful I could play against THE Peter Maurer what an honor - Chris

3. Talk that shit about Evan Engram -Beadle

Power Clangings

Team Name	Details
Orenthal James Simpson	Pete’s unholy score: 170+, a fantasy football fright. His team, possessed, put all the losers to flight. But dark power comes with cost, a grim, small fee: The featherless demise of Pete's dead pigeon, for all to see. No mere competitor, his malice runs deep, Satan’s own evil—while the rest of the league weeps. He took the win. He wears the crown of sin. The Dark Lord of Fantasy Football sit atop his throne again
Squirtn' Manning	Down to the wire, the outlook was grim, Then a final-moment comeback, on a wing and a whim. The score flipped fast, the win was Squirt's own, A dramatic rally, from a seed barely sown. His brain sees the angles, his judgment is cold, An NFL defensive back legend, the league was not told. He reads the offense, then swoops for the play, The NFL DB that got away.
2 Gurleys 1 Kupp	Against his brother, "The Diddler," he stood, Crit claimed the victory, as all champions should. His team, "2 Gurleys 1 Kupp," soared and they struck, Leaving the sibling rival completely out of luck. His secret? No magic, no mystical aid, Just the razor-sharp focus that Tylenol made. With a clear, quiet mind, he chose the right path, The eventual king of the league, immune to the math.
Diddler	He fell to his brother, Crit, a slick, bitter loss, The slimy little rat covered in oil and gloss. Greased up and ready, he tried to exploit, But his slippery tactics were soundly destroyed. A new path is set: forget the foul play, Let the kids watch the Tigers and maybe he'll pray... For a win that is clean, a victory won right, And leave the baby oil behind, by the morning light.
Scumper's Thumpers	The team looks scary, a shocking new plight, Scumps won through endless trade requests and might. His true secret power, a cold, office sin: He, a work friend, stole the good mojo from within. He drained The Diddler's skill, a slick, office scheme, And now runs the around league on a stolen man's dream.
Big Kupp Hunters	Destined for the top, the sure victory slid, Big Kupp Hunters lost the win they were bid. Shake it off, bub, that defeat is the past. But next week's the key, the chance that will last. You must dodge the sickness, the fatal mistake: Avoid the Clang Cough for goodness sake.
Milky Cream Dream Team	Another bad loss, the season's despair, No CeeDee Lamb means no victory there. They've melted away, a soft, creamy stain, Their sweet title dreams dissolved by the rain. That spider you sent, the eight-legged view, Was the bad-season omen that came true for you.
Hiff Clangers	The bad luck returned, a cruel, familiar thing, Brando caught Clang Cough, with the loss Beef would bring. His starters were gone, a bye week excuse, But his raging despair found its own private truce. The true source of anger, his boiling hot woe, Is watching his beloved Spartans constantly blow. He'll be back, yet the loss leaves him hollow and tight, Or he'll stick the whole season up where there's no light.
Daddy	The champ is still reigning, the focus is back, Daddy made valuable trades to stay on the attack. His eye was distracted by chlorine and sun, But now the pool's closed, the fun time is done. He's locked in, he's ready, the king of the ring, He'll even spank a chipmunk for the trophy he'll bring.
New Cavinder Boob Goofin	He beat the deep sickness, he fought through the pain, Beef shed the Clang Cough and got his first gain. But the victory's thin, the danger's not past, The vibes are still toxic, the misery will last. He's clinically glum, a highly contagious foe, His bad luck and gloom are now ready to go.
The Underachievers	The season is pain, the outlook is bleak, Geno Smith stinks, and their numbers are weak. Derrick Henry has failed, the whole team's gone sour, They need a miracle win to escape the low hour. Hope glimmers faintly: they get Beef on the slate— A clash of the failures, escaping a fate.
Deanith	The Bird Boy stinks, his fantasy dreams crushed; No talent for drafting, his team's simply hushed. But he rules the league well, a fine Commissioner's role; Though Pete's gimp forever, a stain on his soul. He needs a win badly, a bump from the low, Maybe some Miami cocaine will help his team grow.

Dear Jill

Dear Jill,

We Back on Top

-Peter H. Maurer

Fantasy Court with Judge Jeudy

Judge Jeudy vs Everybody

Alright alright I’ve got a couple of quick fire verdicts:

Terrion, you have saved us all the pain of another trail and have held yourself to the sidelines for the foreseeable future, thank you

Mr. Roach, you are found guilty of the worst trades this league has ever seen, due to your Tylenol American citizenship though, you’re outside of my jurisdiction.

Patrick Mahomes, you are found guilty of regressing worse than Beef. Therefore I have no choi- Patrick Mahomes approaches the bench, whispers in Judge Jeudy’s ear, Judge Jeudy blushes and giggles and discreetly accepts a 9mg log of Velo from Kansas City Kermit ahem, like I was saying, Mr. Mahomes, you are still him, and I find you innocent of all charges.

Crit- what the fuck is happening, usually I find you guilty of some of the stupidest trades I have ever seen.

Crit looks up from his Lego train set I like trains

Yes you do sweet boy, yes, you do. But we have to launch an investigation into the anomaly of a season you’re having.

Crit furrows his brow I like TRAINS! he says defensively

I know you do holy shit. I know you do I get it.  But this season doesn’t make sense. You can’t just magically turn your look around like this.

Crit pulls out a ziploc bag of bbq ribs and begins eating Trains? Crit asks, seemingly offering his ribs to Judge Jeudy

What the fuck?  Where the hell did you get ribs fro- doesn’t matter. Mr. ‘Tism you are here by under investigation as rule by this prestigious NFFL court.

Crit shrugs and goes back to living in his little world you ain’t gonna find shit bitch

the sounds of Judge Jeudy leaping over his bench and beating the piss out of Crit fills the empty courtroom

Fantasy Villain

Fantasy villain of week 5 is Jamo Williams. Through 5 weeks, Williams has busted 4 times, and had 1 decent week. Though, his one decent performance came on only 2 catches for 40+ yards each and a TD. Throughout most of the offseason, he was projected to take a big step and put up big numbers, even earning an extension with the lions. While I believe that Jamo will be better in the coming weeks, his disappointing performances through 5 weeks land him as the villain of the week (and an obvious bench player until better days).

Grumbles with Old Man Maurer

Grumbles

Two things have pissed me off this week: Bye weeks and Peter Maurer’s success.

Xoxo

Old Man Maurer

CHOPPED!

Theme music plays.

Crowd cheers.

The Smoke Machine turns on. Lights flash and lasers cross, it’s a new effect for the crowd. They cheer harder.

Finally a Russian butcher covered in blood walks out holding a head up.

“Dis veek on CHOPPED, some poor soul - Owen, he perish. He leave behind team of Josh Ah-len, Deh-von Ah-chahn, Georg Pickens, J.K. Doh-beens, and Court-land Soo-ton.”

The butcher walks off stage in quiet the crowd dumbfounded. His rubber boots squeaked on stage.

Outro music plays.

Matchup Picker

Orenthal James Simpson v. Diddler

• 0%Orenthal James Simpson
• 0%Diddler

Clang Gang Cough Patient Zero v. The Underachieves

• 0%Clang Gang Cough Patient Zero
• 0%The Underachievers

Squirtin’ Manning v Scumper’s Thumpers

• 0%Squirtin Manning
• 0%Scumper’s Thumpers

2 Gurleys 1 Kupp v. Milky Cream Dream Team

• 0%2 Gurleys 1 Kupp
• 0%Milky Cream Dream Team

Deanith v. Daddy

• 0%Deanith
• 0%Daddy

Big Kupp Hunters v. Hiff Clangers

• 0%Big Kupp Hunters
• 0%Hiff Clangers

Fantasy Meme of the Week