Week Four Newsletter

Morning Huddle

When I was young, my mother opened a lemonade stand with me. She told me it’s a good reflection of the real world. I was confused but loved the thought of not being stuck in the house while she worked.

To my surprise, she took me to the store, and we got all the essentials: a stand, lemons, umbrellas, and sugar. I was to make the lemonade in front of everyone, so everyone knew it was fresh.

The first week in July, we made some pretty good money, friends came by on bike rides, asked for tw,o then left. My mom was even impressed by how much we were getting. Next week, we could get more lemonade and make more money.

The following week, the stand opened. I waited.

I waited.

I waited.

I waited.

Nobody came; the novelty was over. This week, our profit was in the negatives. I told my mom I didn’t want to do it anymore. She insisted I show up next week.

So I did. And I waited.

And I waited.

And I waited.

Until one day a kid named David showed up.

“I’ll take a Lemonade.”

“Sure,” I say. David and I used to be friends as kids, but we grew apart since. I dipped below the stand, heard a thunk, and when I looked up, David Montgomery was running away with my money and lemonade….

I guess I was just happy my mom didn’t make me do another lemonade stand.

Commissioner’s Corner

Good morning!

Shape up soldiers, we are about to put the commission in commissioners corner. 

Don't you think it’s time? Time to make some serious cash? To be able to provide for your family. Yes that’s right, fuck your day job. Come gamble like the rest of them. 

Here’s how this is gonna work. 

Every week I’m gonna assign you a game. From that game you need to pick one person who you think is guaranteed a touchdown. This will establish our Anytime Touchdown bet without overlapping games too much. Enough of this Gibbs & Monty TD horseshit. Grow up. People are trying to gamble a living here. 

Tuesday I will collect your picks in a private DM, then text the full list to the whole group so you can decide to ride the bet or not. Always 12 picks, from 12 different games.

The picks will be kept anonymous until the following newsletter where we will line you up and either congratulate you on making so much logical sense with your pick, or publicly shame you for being a fucking idiot and ensuring that Beadle’s kid doesn’t eat that week.

Keep an eye out for a text from Dean on Tuesdays for your pick. One of you each week will also be chosen at random with your anytime TD pick to send me a 5-10 leg parlay of your own choosing. This will also be publicly ridiculed in the following newsletter.

Good luck, and don’t forget - think about your hungry kids when making your pick. Gambling is the only thing that will feed them. 

See you next week for the first roast session.

Cheers,

Commish

Tears and Jeers

Tears

1. Crit and I's matchup this week has been like Tyson vs Holyfield, And crit currently has a piece of my ear in his mouth - Nick

2. Caleb Williams throwing 4 TDs is my 13th reason why - Zach

3. You know I really didn't think I'd have a great team, But Jesus fucking Christ i didn't think we would be Cliffhanger type bad - Beadle

   
   

Jeers

1. Imagine starting the opposing offense on the 1.5 yard line and they dog walk you 98.5 yards and take up almost a quarter of the game doing so - Crit

2. I did transfer my curse to beef last year when I beat him so not surprised his team has the clang cough this season - Brando

3. Oh gg Brando, no chance Henry puts up a 30 burger - Zach

Power Rankings

Team Name	Details
Hiff Clangers	After being diagnosed with Clang Cough, the team is now 1-0. No more Clang Cough means this is a new team. Doctors say they will make a full recovery and are definitely not the Cowboys of this league, despite what Dead Pigeon Pete says. It turns out all the Clang Gang needed was a dose of Caleb's juicy cannons. SKO CLANG!
Squirtn' Manning	A huge win for Squirt this week, especially since he went up against a member of the Maurer Crime Syndicate and kept his record clean. This team is in full-on gush mode, and we're inching closer to the return of Addison and Rice. When those two come back, the Mannings could go full super soaker, and the league will have a serious problem on their hands. It will be interesting to see if Squirt keeps all his wide receivers or looks to tier up in other positions and deal a few players. A public service announcement to my other leaguemates: just make sure when you go up against Sir Squirt, you wear your protective eyewear so no bodily fluids are mixing.
Diddler	This team is like Limp Bizkit because they just keep ROLLIN, ROLLIN, ROLLIN, ROLLIN. It was tough to see Magic Mike Evans leave the game Sunday with a hamstring injury, but that was always going to happen in every universe this season because it happens every year. Now we'll see if Rick Flair Pearsall is all that and a bag of Skittles or if he's going to let the Diddler down and spoil this hot baby oil and perfect start to the season for a freak off. Either way, this team is going to keep DIDDLIN, DIDDLIN, DIDDLIN, DIDDLIN.
2 Gurleys 1 Kupp	The initial reaction to watching the 2 Gurleys video and how they violated that 1 Kupp after their first loss is often one of disgust and moral superiority. However, it doesn't matter because the 2 Gurleys will bounce back and continue to eat up shitty teams. I'm not worried about Crit and his team, while Marv and Zay have been letdowns at times this season, his bench depth should provide an opportunity for players to step up and the team won't miss a beat.
Orenthal James Simpson	Oooowee, Petey took a whoopin' this week, and those spanked cheeks probably don't feel too good do they? Much like O.J., Pete is a better fantasy football player than he is a person. This may just be an off week for his team, even though, they put up another consistent scoring output. All season, he's been taking inspiration from his Mr. Simpson, murdering other teams and then claiming he had no part in it, saying it was just an "unfortunate accident." The next game against Squirt is a must-win, and everyone should be prepared for Pete to pull out his classic reverse jinx.
Milky Cream Dream Team	A crime scene investigator was called over to the scene "Hey, come here," he was told. "Diddles got this one, too." He takes out a swab to collect samples of baby oil mixed with thick, room temperature cream Unfortunately, getting diddled by Bryce is like Thanos snapping his fingers it's inevitable. I think the Week 3 matchup would have been closer if Lamb hadn't been knocked out of the game early, especially since the Bears' defense has been terrible this year. Moving forward, Con should have some optimism as Benson will now take over as the lead back, and it seems like Worthy is trending toward getting healthy. Stay creamy foo
Alvin and the Chipmunks	God bless Alvin, Simon, and Theodore for being chipmonks and only being able to sing. Thank you, ZiggyZach, for my first win this season. I will not let this win go in vain and promise to try my best week in and week out. Reflecting on moves made this week, I like the depth that Zach added by making a trade and providing some more consistent options for his team. Brighter days are ahead for this team, and more points are surely on the way.
Deanith	Captain Deanith secured his first win of the year. This win has probably already gone to his head, and he's half a beak deep in some booger sugar. Still, he's a bird man hybrid, so I can't move him too far up this list. However, I can see a win streak on the horizon as he flaps on throughout this season. He has a solid roster and solid bird bones. Nice W.
Daddy	It was good to see a responsible Daddy discipline the league's bratty child this week. This was like thinking you could outdrink your IRL father, and then he throws back a 30 case of Bud Light while you're drunk in the corner, vomiting on yourself. It was a good win for Joe and the fellas, and I think there's a clearer picture for starting players on this roster after this week. Keep an eye on Daddy, because if you cross him then he'll put you on punishment
Scumper's Thumpers	I think Pete is probably still nibbling on this rabbit's foot from last week's matchup, which is why some weird voodoo stuff happened at the end of Monday Night Football. It was an absolutely heartbreaking loss for Scumps and his team, but there were some highlight performances from individuals. If a player can establish themselves as a solid streaming option for the flex position, I think there's an opportunity for this team to get some winning luck back in what remaining rabbit's feet they still have.
Big Kupp Hunters	On the Mount Rushmore of best twin sets, you'll find Mary-Kate and Ashley, Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dylan and Cole Sprouse, and last but not least, Eric Drake and Najee Harris. With the loss of Najee, more needs to be seen from Kupp and JSN to pick up the slack. Ric is built Burgh tough and gives us his best when the odds are against him
New Cavinder Boob Goofin	Look I don't make up the rules, but this team is 0-1 since being diagnosed with Clang Cough. All I know is that it makes you extremely grumpy, it ruins your favorite college football program, and I've heard it's like the Cheese Touch. So, make sure not to let Beef beat your team, or you'll be the latest carrier of a new variant. Personally, I'll be taking extra precautions when playing Beef this year and making sure I'm fully vaxxed against the cough and his grumpiness.

Dear Jill

Dear Jill,

I talk to much and I got put on blast this week, I’m a loser, I’m fraud, I’m a nobody. I ain’t never gonna be nothing. I have to play the unforeseen juggernaut of Squirtin manning next week. 2-2 here I come.

Sincerely,

Laughing stock of the week

Pete

Fantasy Court with Judge Jeudy

The People Vs Terrion Arnold

Terrion Arnold, you are accused of being the next Jeff Okudah, how do you plead?

Terrion holds the opposing Lawyer and covers his mouth before he can say anything

Flag-god damnit Terrion stop doing-

Terrion holds a jury member

Judge Jeudy throws another flag

I’m warning you Terrion not another hol-

Terrion holds a witness

Holding! GOD DAMNIT TERRION, I’m ready to deliver my verdict, Terrion Arn-

Terrion holds Pete by his flock

Judge Jeudy throws a flag directly at Terrion

UNNECESSARY ROUGHNESS!

“Oh I don’t mind your honor” Pete chimes in

“It’s not about you today Mr. Roach, your case against Tylenol is tomorrow”

a flock of pigeons carries pete away, Terrion tries to grab them but he misses

Judge Jeudy, exhausted, throws his final flag

“Terrion Arnold, you are found guilty of being an absolute liability, what do you plead?”

Terrion holds his lawyer

“Fuck this shit, Baliff take him away, I sentence him to the Falcons”

Judge Jeudy cries and throws his gavel in a fit

“Thank you your honor I understand, it’s a fair punishment” Terrion says bowing his head and exits the courthouse with the utmost grace

“Oh god damnit where was this guy the rest of this case?” Judge Jeudy asks

Fantasy Villain

Week 3 is in the books. Players have started flourishing, while some are struggling to meet their projections. While I know there are probably plenty of players worthy of villain status (CeeDee thanks for nothing) honestly, I’m too excited about the lions beating the Ravens to pick any villains. Complete 180, Detroit Lions are the heroes of the week with beating the Ravens (but also Rip Ceedee with a 0 point injury game).

Grumbles with Old Man Bryce

Achilles, Quads, Hamstrings, and ACLs. Give them all bionic legs already. How is it that every year more and more guys get hurt? Don’t these guys realize their injuries cost me tens of dollars in lost bets? Pisses me off. I’m also pissed about all the rookies this year. What the hell is going on? How are you not gonna run Henderson or Jeanty out there and let them ball? What? What? You all think cause I’m all of 5 foot 7 and built like a ham sandwich that I couldn’t? Cam Skattebo, my body double, begs to differ.

Xoxo

Old Man Maurer

CHOPPED!

Intro music to *CHOPPED PLAY*

Elon runs out dances on stage and with one swift movement he bows and takes blow.

The crowd screams!

Elon: Alright, Alright! Yeah! Welcome back to CHOPPED!

Crowd cheers again.

Elon: This week, BRANDO got CHOPPED

Crowd makes “Awh” sound.

Elon: What happened to pulling yourself up by your boot straps? America was built on that! I don’t think he spent one FAAB dollar, what a communist.

Crowd Boos.

Elon: Right? Anyway. Brando leaves players like Josh Jacobs, Alvin Kamara, Kyler Murray and Justin Jefferson on the waivers!

Branden, we are sending you home with a locked vault of cash, so you can always see what you can’t use!

Haha! See you next week on -

CHOPPED!

Matchup Picker

Scumper’s Thumpers v. Alvin and the Chipmunks

• 0%Scumper’s Thumpers
• 0%Alvin and the Chipmunks

Orenthal James Simpson v. Squirtin’ Manning

• 0%Orenthal James Simpson
• 0%Squirtin’ Manning

Clang Gang Cough Patient Zero v Diddler

• 0%Clang Cang Cough Patient
• 0%Diddler

2 Gurleys 1 Kupp v. Hiff Clangers

• 0%2 Gurleys 1 Kupp
• 0%Hiff Clangers

Deanith v. Big Kupp Hunters

• 0%Deanith
• 0%Big Kupp Hunters

Daddy v. Milky Cream Dream Team

• 0%Daddy
• 0%Milky Cream Dream Team

Fantasy Meme of the Week