Week Five Newsletter

Morning Huddle

The little boy walked down the street past his neighborhoods. It was a nice day, his parents told him he could be out. He was going to take his bike but forgot that his chain broke and his dad didn’t have time to google how fix it.

Usually, he wasn’t allowed past a certain street corner because that street, as his parents told him, was “no good”. But as the day called for, sun speckling through the big oak trees, a light breeze, and nothing to do, he decided he would explore.

As the boy turned the corner his was a bit nervous, as one gets before he’s about to disobey his parents. But he also felt confident in his decision.

The corner wasn’t immediately as extreme as he thought. One house on his steeets side had a working Bijan Robinson and Garret Wilson, the house same house had a brand new Ashton Jesnty. The boys mouth dropped.

On the other side of the street, a nice Jonathon Taylor you can tell the owners pride and joy. But other than that nothing as impressive in working condition as the first.

He kept walking and that’s when it got scary. The wealth distribution sickening. A house which had nothing but a Jahmyr Gibbs roof although the wall were falling in, a house with a rusty Carson Wentz left out in the rain too long with a young Kaleb Johnson in the window barking for attention, two homeless - smoking, men Tyreek and Cedric who’s legs were destroyed with gangrene. The boy plugged his nose.

He walked back to his house sad. How could he have it so good, while many others suffered?

Commissioner’s Corner

It's the first week of our NFFL Gamblers Anonymous section - and I must say the results are astounding. 

Below you will see the results for our first week of testing this out. We will have two bets each week to start - one anytime TD group parlay, and one individual parlay, in which all participants will be anonymous until the newsletter the following week, 

This section of the newsletter hence forward will be to ridicule those who lost you money on our group parlay, point out our top performers - and shit on the individual parlay of the week.

SO, without further adieu: Week 4 Results 

Peter hit it on the head when he assumed quite boldly that Bryce indeed was behind our Week 4 personal parlay. And my fucking god was he also right about it REEKING. Packers Cowboys tied it up, and 3/4 anytime TD's missed. If you placed this bet, I think you have the right to dress up as the grinch for Christmas and go scare the hell out of Bryce's children, scarring them for life. Thanks but no thanks Bruce, and better luck next time.

Our main slip this week landed us at 7/12 Anytime TD picks. Big shoutout to our incorrect pickers: Nick V, Christian, Zach, Bryce and Putrid Maurer. I saw putrid because that's the taste in the mouths of the 7 people who picked correctly after Peter throat fucked us with Dalton Schultz's big red headed schlong. 

"Whoever picked dalton schultz is the dumbest fucking person in this chat" - Peter Maurer.

If you rode with us, you have this 5, but especially that one to thank for not being able to put food on the table this week.

Congrats to Joe/Brando for being 4/4 so far on the year! Better luck in week 5 folks, and remember, it's only real money.

Commish

Tears and Jeers

Tears

1. I think I’m going to put the team up for sale - Beadle

2. I hope all of you had terrible days - Beadle

3. I don’t give a fuck about your double ipa - Beadle

Jeers

1. It’s like bragging that your friend fucked a supermodel in your bed. - Bryce

2. Amon Raw-dogging the browns - Nick S

3. Clang cough changes the structure of a franchise - Brando

4. It’s fine.. I’ll replace him with a high caliber guy like Mooney or Thielen - Joe

Power Rankings

Team Name	Details
Hiff Clangers	Get ready to learn Clang, buddy, 'cause I've had a whole year of writing Clanger jokes for when my team comes back to dominance, and I don't see us losing again! That being said, it would be a real shame if all of Beef's players got sick with Clang Cough next week and couldn't play. I do not want to catch the cough again. I'm not fucking going back. Joke #1: What do Henry Ruggs and the Clangers have in common? They both are pieces of shit who are getting a second chance.
Diddler	Diddly Diddly Doo, let's go DIDDLIN! The Diddler's back, and he's Diddle a sick man foo! Fortunately, Beef was diddled with while Bryce wore gloves, so he didn't catch the Cough. Another solid win for Bry and his guys, as Jeanty and Robinson led the way, but Penix really bent it over and busssss that thang open in this blowout. Keep it freaky, foo!
Orenthal James Simpson	Your roster breathes a sigh of perfect calm, While Squirt's is shattered by a sudden harm. Your running back room, a terrifying hoard, Three starting talents, effortlessly adored. They rack up points while Lamar is hurt, Or Drake Maye scores a touchdown and you send a chirp. Unstoppable, inevitable, supreme, You live the owner's most persistent dream. The playoffs beckon, your championship is near, While lesser mortals nurse their bitter beer.
2 Gurleys 1 Kupp	This one hurt me just as much as it hurt Crit, but I had to curb the hot start that Crit and his team were having. I think this two game skid stops next week as we see brothers face off, and Crit will be able to let his team's freak flag fly against Bryce. Proud of Crit this week for resisting the dark side of the Trade Block and not bending the knee to Peter's evil wishes. Overall, not making those trades will help Two Gurleys, One Kupp because they know their worth and they don't put out that easy.
Squirtn' Manning	You were the chosen one. But because you didn't fell Peter this week, it doesn't mean it won't be set for you to stop him in the future. Stay patient and be ready, Sir Squirt. Your time will come, and your men will be ready to fight by your side until you stand victorious once again over the evil doer they call Peter Harlan.
Milky Cream Dream Team	Con put BTA this week to Daddy, and that victory had to feel good. I'm worried about what Con is cooking up because he's been quietly building up some momentum, and when the time is right, he'll drop a fire roast on somebody in the chat and be sitting as a top three team on the leaderboard. Keep an eye out on The Cream and what they've got cooking up.
Big Kupp Hunters	Gotta show some respect to Ric and his team because this move up the power rankings is past due, as the Kupp Hunters keep winning. This roster reminds me of André the Giant because I keep thinking to myself, why the fuck they built like that, and when are they going to give out? The scary thing is, I don't know if the end is coming, with how things are looking for other teams in the league BKH could keep winning. I know Eric is fired up and going to get the best out of The Big Kupp Hunter for the coming weeks
Scumper's Thumpers	Can't knock Scumps and his team for a win this week, but fuck, they can't catch a break! Tyreek dislocating his knee before CMC rips his hamstring off the bone was not on my 2025 fantasy bingo card, but pop off then, fantasy gods. Fortunately, Scumps has built up a bit of depth from waivers, and he can plug and play players into the gap Hill will be leaving.
Deanith	Not much to say, other than this birdbrain started Kyler Murray the same week the Call of Duty Beta came out. Rookie move by our magnanimous Commissioner. Just do better, man.
Daddy	Daddy's team is floating through the fantasy twilight zone, and Malik Nabers' injury certainly doesn't help. The scoring output from the roster wasn't the worst I've seen, but then again, it wasn't all that great. At least with the injury, things will probably become more clear that this is just a down year for Daddy.
Alvin and the Chipmunks	The Chipmunks lost a close one this week, and the losing streak continues. I think Zach is another weak Derrick Henry performance away from taking him out back and shooting him behind the tool shed. Hopefully, there's some clarity on streaming WRs to start for this team and they get back in the W column soon.
New Cavinder Boob Goofin	A little boy grabs at his dad's shirt in a supermarket. He says, "Daddy, isn't that Old Man Beef? What happened to him?" The dad responds and says, "Shh son, keep your voice down. That man has Clang Cough. It's not nice to point." Old Man Beef overhears them and says, "I remember when I was your age, little boy. I used to be a contender in my fantasy league, but then I started Carson Wentz and my grumpiness reached new levels. If only Jayden Daniels hadn't been hurt for four weeks... good for-nothing Commanders quarterback. Sometimes I miss beating Commishoner Dean and running the league, but those days are long gone now."

Dear Jill

Dear Jill,

Is this real life? Am I actually the league number 1? I prayed for this day so many times, thank god I convinced my wife to be cool with the loser buying a jersey because I might finally get my back up quarterback Kirk cousins Atlanta falcons jersey! I literally have never been first place at anything in my life, what do I do with my hands?? My kids are gonna be so proud of their dada, for once in my life I’m going to be a hero. Thank you Jesus, thank you Roger godell and thank you Allyson for letting me play.

Yours lovingly,

Bryce David

Fantasy Court with Judge Jeudy

“Thank you your honor I understand, it’s a fair punishment” Terrion says bowing his head and exits the courthouse with the utmost grace

“Oh god damnit where was this guy the rest of this case?” Judge Jeudy asks

due to judge Jeudy having to be up wicked early for work this week, court is in recess this week, stay tuned for next weeks case

Grumbles with Old Man Maurer

1. Brandon if he doesn’t rank me #1 in power rankings

2. Injuries galore

3. The Bengals and everything associated with them

4. Turf monsters RIP Nabers

5. Peter Maurer being successful this year

6. Not being able to even consider trading with Crit or collusion gets muttered…so fun to not be able to trade with two of the 9 other teams

7. Measles

8. No one can have fun anymore cause Beef is losing

Xoxo

Old Man Maurer

CHOPPED!

Entrance Music

Elon appears on the new Tesla motorcycle. He tries to do donuts on stage but he’s kind of just turning in a circle, he uses a smoke machine to add to the illusion, and he will let grok edit it more later.

The crowd cheers hard.

Elon decides to stay on his bike.

Elon: Hello and welcome to -

Crowd: CHOPPED!

Elon seems a little sad.

Elon: Today I have some bad news, the far left took another of us 1%ers. They are out to get us, we are the true victims of systematic racism.

Crowd: sad Awhs

Elon: My friend Christopher Dean got CHOPPED this week. Rumors had it that he had a poster of me in his college dorm. I love when people represents my values in the real world. Chris leaves behind players like Lamar Jackson, JK Dobbins, Jamo, and QJ. Let the left learn their lesson for coming after my friend.

Crowd: Confused cheer/ clap.

Elon: I’ll see you next week on - CHOPPED.

Elon drives off on his electric, scooter quietly weeping.

Crowd: Cheers

Matchup Picker

Alvin and the Chipmunks vs Daddy

• 0%Alvin and the Chipmunks
• 0%Daddy

2 Gurleys 1 Kupp v Diddler

• 0%2 Gurley 1 Kupp
• 0%Diddler

Squirtin’ Manning v Big Kupp Hunters

• 0%Squirtin Manning
• 0%Big Kupp Hunters

Clang Cough Patient Zero v Clang Gang

• 0%Clamg Cough Patient Zero
• 0%Hiff Clangers

Orenthal James Simpson v Deanith

• 0%Orenthal James Simpson
• 0%Deanith

Milky Cream Dream Team v Scumper’s Thumpers

• 0%Milky Cream Dream Team
• 0%Scumper’s Thumpers

Fantasy Meme of the Week