Newsletter Week Nine

Morning Huddle

It’s a rainy middle school game. The huskies are down by 6 and both their best players are hurt. Nick is nervous, he understands the situation. They’ve barely completed a pass all season. He listens to his coach speak his winter breath in his ear :

“Ace 324 Dragon”

Nick looks astonished.

Coach nods at him.

Nick runs to the huddle and sees his team waiting for him and what stands out is his new WR1. Against the Orange jerseys were bright orange socks.

“Alright guys, 324 Dragon on one, on one” Nick says to the huddle. “Ready, Break.”

Before the huddle completely disbanded Pete, with his neon orange socks puts his facemask up against Nicks ear hole. His breath smelled like sour cream and onion chips he ate as his pregame meal before the game, and hint of worm he ate to entertain the team.

“Nick” his hot breath hissed “release the dragon.”

Pete ran to his spot at the X receiver. Nick put his hands under his center, Conor, he looked over at Pete one last time before he hiked the ball, Pete nodded.

”Hike.”

The world spun in slow motion. Nick watched Pete take a slow two step stem and then cut in on his slant. There was room between the backer and the corner. Nick took his window, a bit high. He held his breath.

In that second, put made a small adjustment reached his hands up and came down with the ball.

Time resumed to normal speed. Pete stood up, spiked the ball and in a quiet empty high school stadium Pete yelled, “RELEASE THE DRAGON”.

One catch for eight yards. It was a turnover on downs.

Commissioner’s Corner

Dear Diary,

The days blur together like the lines in the road do on a drunk evening of driving. The jurors enter the courtroom, they sit. The jurors exit the courtroom, they stand. 

The judge looks at me sometimes like a sack of meat, I swear. You’d have to be there…

Oh lord I’m losing it sometimes I think. My mind wanders from the defendant to the bleak stares of the deputies. Bored out of their skulls. 

And fantasy football isn’t helping, diary. What was supposed to be a fun escape, an eternal doom and gloom disease. The only thing keeping me from a case of clang cough is the guy named after a hard shelled insect. 

Fuck me. Back to serving my country I guess. Maybe I’ll have a verdict soon. But for now, the only guilty defendants are those of you who keep fucking choosing wrong. Week after week.

In our anytime TD parlay. Just do better. 

You’ll get a chart update next week when I have time. 

Til then.

Tears and Jeers

Tears

1. “I’m just a nerd with my underwear over my head and stuffed in a locker” - Branden

2. “I’m gonna be screaming OH at the top of my lungs that day. I hope they fucking bury Bryce Underwood. Can’t wait to see what Semaj Morgan does to “help out”. May have to get his jersey after it’s all said and done.” -Bryce

3. Hey guys drake London is inactive so parlay is cooked! Nice work this week gents! - Pete

Jeers

1. “It’s like quavo wearing three different Richard Mille watches on the same arm“ - Nick

2. “You guys better be careful or you’ll shoot your jizz in each other’s mouthes with all this circle jerking“ - Bryce

3. “Don’t sleep on it I’ve got 3 weeks of free time to troll“ - Beadle

Power Clangings

Team Name	Details
Orenthal James Simpson	Back on top. Yuck. Waffle stomped Beef's team like a turd in the shower. This year, Pete's team is the Chiefs of our league. We all hate them, but DAMN are they good. P.S. Skyler White still WOULD.
Scumper's Thumpers	Sometimes you just get lucky and play a team that has the worst weekly point output in the history of the NFFL. But I can't hate because they keep on winning. Most excited to see Scumps and Pete face off in the 'yoffs to put to rest which fantasy manager is ELITE. The Thumpers and the Eagles are birds of a feather this year.
Milky Cream Dream Team	Rise from your slumber, Cream Dream Team, and cause terror. Your time to sit atop the power rankings is coming soon. I can see Con and this roster as sneaky picks to make a deep run in the 'yoffs. Sometimes I don't know what to make of this roster, but they really know how to score and remind me of the Packers.
The Underachievers	Nail-biter for Zach this week, and now Breece is rolling. The crazy thing is I could see Zach foregoing Geno and just rolling out one QB and position players for all the other slots on his team. The Underachievers are starting to puff out their chests a bit and overperform. Keep an eye on if they can continue this run. Patriots of the league this year and can compete with anyone any given week.
Daddy	The Daddy team is building up steam and making their way to the top. Dirty trick you did this week, Joe, jinxing our matchup before I could do it to you. Unfortunate losing Skat Pack, especially since everyone is holding their RBs tight like one last rip from a mango flavored Juul pod. The story arc for this team in the 2025 year reminds me of the Ravens.
The Tylenol Bandits	Good bounce back win for Crit and his roster. Hopefully, they can keep streaming players with advantageous weekly matchups moving forward, since Vidal's role will be limited at some point this season. Daniel Jones and the Colts are an absolute wagon. Crit's team reminds me of the Chargers.
Squirtn' Manning	The talent is there for Squirt and his roster, but without Lamar things have been going rough. Once they have him back, I'm sure these games will start to go their way again, and we'll see them up near the top of this list. Without their star QB, this team is the Bengals of this league.
Big Kupp Hunters	Cousin on cousin crime has no place in this league. Sorry that Crit had to pop off this week while your players were on bye, Ric. Also, sorry about your Drake London pick in the TD parlay. I wish I would've known London was out earlier, too. Classic Stiller vibes here.
Hiff Clangers	Another classic loss for The Hiff Clangers, and this loss makes me question if the league would be more competitive with Nick Hecht. Everyone probably would've enjoyed having a third Nick in NFFL, and then the three Nicks would suck each other off and everyone would high five and laugh. I digress. Definitely the Cowboys, and I can't escape it.
Diddler	Hopefully Wilson and Pearsall return soon for The Diddler because his team was having some low P levels this week (P as in point), and they really need to get back on track if they don't want to squander the hot start this season. New York Giants doppelgänger legit, every player is hurt on this roster.
Deanith	Who could've seen that having four QBs take up roster spots could backfire on you? Maybe a dance with the Diddler is in your future. Just like every other team in this league, Deanith needs an RB times two or three. The owner doesn't know what the hell is going on and picks all the flashy players—definitely the Raiders.
Cavinder Boobs are BACK	If it doesn't relate to Fantasy sports, Beef has been unstoppable this week. I can't get the image of him with the laser eyes out of my head. Congrats again, Papa Ryan. Honorable #1, but also sorry about your stinky fantasy team. Cleveland Browns of this league.

Dear Jill

Petey’s Playoff Prediction

1 SEED SCUMPS

2 SEED PETE

3 SEED VS 6 SEED

BRYCE VS CREAM

4 SEED VS 5 SEED

SQUIRT VS ERIC

NEXT ROUND

SCUMPS VS SQUIRT

PETE VS BRY

FINALS

PETE VS SQUIRT

CHAMPION

SQUIRT

Fantasy Villain

Fantasy Court with Judge Jeudy

Judge Jeudy vs The Klan…g Koffin Kough

tension in the courtroom is thick, full of fear, concern and anxiety fill the murmuring of the gallery today, most wear facemasks, yet some still insist on wearing a hazmat suit

Order-Order in the court! Judge Jeudy smacks his gavel from within a plexiglass dome

Now I’m sure you are all aware of the curse that has swept across this league here, I ensure you we are all taking precautions but there is no guarantee! Bring in patient zero to face trial for league wide exposure

a man is dragged in by guards in masks, his face covered in a burlap sack

“Reveal patient zero”

the sack is pulled off to reveal a confused Joe Burrow, the guard left of him immediately crumbles with a torn ACL

“My god it’s worse than I thought, ” Judge Jeudy gasps, but quickly gathers himself and slam his gavel

“Joe Burrow, you stand accused to being the Leader of the Klang Kough Klan, Dow do you plead?”

“Who the hell are you people?” Joe burrow asks, very confused about group of men before him

“Shut up trash, I trusted you!” Scumps yells through tears

“Joe Burrow, don’t play koi with me you soy boy beta cuck, you alone have caused one of the most devastating seasons of injuries we have ever seen, how do you plead?”

“Where am I?” Joe cries

“Joe Burrow, you went down in week 2 in what seems to be a domino effect of star players getting injured, surely you can’t surmise this random happenstance?” judge Jeudy ponders

“Heh… I almost got away with it” he scoffs as he glares at his other guard who immediately retires mid trial saying “I can’t keep up with this anymore” as his reason. Joe burrow immediately gets up and hobbles out of the court room, even the slightest glance at someone causes them to go down with a 2-4 week injury window

“Someone catch him! We cannot let the Klang Koffin Kough survive!”

The manhunt for those responsible for the Klang Koffin survive!

stay tuned for part 2

Grumbles with old man Maurer

Grumbles

I have a long list of grumbles this week.

1. Jonathan Smith

2. Walmart Wolverines. Must be fun to just bandwagon on a program that is traditionally successful. Go pick up some Patriots or Cowboys gear, while you’re at it.

3. Peter Harlan Maurer (see above section for why)

4. The Atlanta Falcons

5. Why don’t we allow OUT players to be slipped into our IR slots? This is something that is used in all my other leagues…we need to talk about adding this to our league next year.

Bitterly yours,

Old Man Maurer

CHOPPED!

Intro music plays. The crowd is getting less excited about the antics. They’re starting to wonder the qualifications of a billion dollar South African baby and what he knows about ball. Lasers intensify. Elon comes out.

Elon: Welcome in to -

Crowd: half heartedly, CHOPPED

Elon: Boy it’s a real Tuesday. This week the commissioner of the Spinoff got -

Crowd: Quietly, Chopped!

Elon: You know what, what’s the point. The only the that matters left is Christian, so congrats Christian for being the default winner of the CHOPPED league. Your prize…. Someone runs out and whispers in his ear. Elon whispers, oh, ohhhhhhh, oh.

Your prize Christian is, ummm a trip to the Detroit Lions locker room to meet the players and to score Elon puts in air quotes “a real life touchdown!” Congrats everyone!

Matchup Picker

Diddler v Daddy

• 0%Diddler
• 0%Daddy

Deanith v The Underachievers

• 0%Deanith
• 0%The Underachievers

Squirtin Manning v Milky Cream Dream Team

• 0%Squirtin Manning
• 0%Milky Cream Dream Team

Cavinder Boobs are Back v Big Kupp Hunters

• 0%Cavinder Boobs are Back
• 0%Big Kupp Hunters

Orenthal James Simpson v The Tylenol Bandits

• 0%Orenthal James Simpson
• 0%The Tylenol Bandits

Scumper’s Thumpers v Hiff Clangers

• 0%Scumper’s Thumpers
• 0%Hiff Clangers

Fantasy Meme of the Week