Newsletter Week Eight

Morning Huddle

It was a beautiful day. The sun was warm but there was a nice breeze. Nick

took a deep breath in enjoying the fall smell. He was out running is monthly errands.

Up and down the isles he went getting his favorite things: Cheezitz, Oreos, Grapes, and Big Rig slop. He smiled again at the meal he was going to enjoy later.

“Excuse me, boss” says a voice next to him.

“Oh I”m sorry -“ Nick paused, “Ken - Kenneth Walker.” He studders

“In the flesh and blood!” He responds cheerfully. “It’s always nice to meet a fan!” He holds out a hand for Nick to shake.

“Oh, I’m not.”

Walker reluctantly pulled his hands away, “Uh-“ Kenneth Walker is dumbfounded for a second, “oh, I get it, you must be a fan of another NFC West team.”

“Nope,” Nick cracks his fingers nervously and does his sniff, “You,” he puts his finger quickly on Walkers arm, “single handedly ruined my Fantasy team.”

“Oh you’re one of this, look bud, I -“

“Why do you run backwards?” Nick interrupted.

“Do you play football or - “

“No I’m just saying, you hut the ball, and you run forward. That’s all.”

Kenneth Walker stares into his soul.

“Play like that again, I’m gonna cut ya.” With that, Nick pushed his cart away, went home, and sages his house from the Kenneth Walker demons.

Commissioner’s Cortney

Dear League,

Unfortunately I’ve been called away to serve my country in the highest possible manner. That’s right. Jury Duty Dean, aka Juror #13 - a true American hero - is here to serve justice. 

As I was sitting in my juror box today. I realized maybe all the negative talk from this league about my commissioning these last 3 years, was all just noise. Maybe Juror #13 really did have something to do with the fact that the drama in this stupid silly love fest of a league has gone down significantly the last few years. Maybe Nick Sowell and Ryan Beadle really were the problem and just liked to hear themselves complain. Maybe Peter Maurer would realize that he too was just like Juror #13. A theater kid. And maybe that Peter Maurer would rally behind Juror #13 in a bright new campaign as Commissioner in 2026.

That’s right folks. One week, a tired, beaten down old man named Dean announced his plan to resign after this years commissioners duties. Well that man’s fucking DEAD. Juror #13 is here now. And he doesn’t need grumpy beads or whiny squirt on his side. No. He just needs a couple of you normal guys who just want a good ole normal year of the good ole NFFL. 

So I hereby announce my plan to continue on as your commissioner in the 2026-2027 season of the NFFL. Not as Dean, no. But as Juror #13. A proud civil servant. And as I serve on this jury this week, I will continue to be reminded of why I serve you all, and what great change and continued commitment I can bring you next year.

Alright I’m off my high horse. Fuck you Beadle, eat my grudge you grumpy gossum.

Bets:

We went 6/12 for the Anytime TD parlay.

Unfortunately I didn’t have time to color in my excel blocks tonight because I’m tired and I have to keep this brain sharp for trial so I can zone out, stare off into space and not hear a single piece of evidence to the best of my ability. 

Christian made that personal parlay this week.

Eat him alive.

We need to do better with our gambling you people make me sick and my wallet sicker.

Sincheersly,

Commissioner Dean/Juror #13

Tears and Jeers

Tears

1. Well at this point, start sending me your jersey orders so I have them in case you win - Zach

2. I’m a risk averse realist, and that trade blows harder than Brucie at a glory hole - Nick

3. JaMaar is a very happy underachiever now - Zach

4. “Dude fuck Bo Nix” - Beadle

5. “Diablo hawaiano“ - Brando

   
   

Jeers

1. Suck my balls beef - Conor

2. Bruce trying to mind his own business and brainwash americas children but taking stray blows all day - Beadle

3. I’ll sell you Isaiah Davis, this is a once in a lifetime investment, this is like buying bitcoin In 2008, all you need to trade me is a top 15 wr and we can get rich together - Pete

Power Clangings

Team Name	Details
Scumper's Thumpers	The whole point of this damn newsletter is just for Scump to get a hard-on for Fantasy Football. Well, here you go: top of the power rankings. This team is built like 2013 Kate Upton—absolute cannons on the top half that make up for the lack of junk in the trunk.
Orenthal James Simpson	The Orenthal James Simpson team is giving Skyler from Breaking Bad. Everyone hates them, but deep down there's something we find attractive about this roster. Somehow, this team keeps winning, and I fear they may ruin everyone's chances to have fun or cook meth. P.S. Skyler from Breaking Bad = Would.
Milky Cream Dream Team	Major Amanda Seyfried from Jennifer's Body vibes. Everyone else is focused on other teams or Megan Fox, but Con and this roster have just been consistent all year and are building up towards competing for the top spot.
Diddler	Dolly Parton and the Diddler go hand in hand. Just like Dolly, this roster was pretty hot early on, but damn, do they need some work! It sucks to see your celebrity crush get old and your whole WR room get placed in the same ambulance.
Squirtn' Manning	Kim K and only because she has a body most similar to Squirt.
Big Kupp Hunters	Big Kupp Hunters and Katniss Everdeen from The Hunger Games have a lot in common. I'm going to start with the name: they both are Hunters. Secondly, this roster and Katniss have unconventional methods. Finally, I think we all want to see them succeed in the end.
Daddy	I'm envisioning Meryl Streep when looking at Daddy's body of work this year. Any given Sunday could be theirs with the recent changes they've made, and you have to respect the body of work from their past. Don't count this team out.
The Underachievers	Pam from The Office. We've seen The Underachievers be a bit more reserved and quiet early on this season, but slowly we are starting to see that something is there with this roster, especially after dumping some players off in trades and upgrading.
Hiff Clangers	My own team makes me think of Lizzo. We have our moments in the sun, but then we make a boo-boo and have to stay out of the public eye for a bit. Hopefully, we learn some good Fantasy Football or PR skills soon and start winning again.
The Tylenol Bandits	When I look at The Tylenol Bandits and the season they've had, all I can think of is Bambi's Mom. They were our darling and had so much hope, and the past two weeks we've seen their roster get absolutely obliterated. It's like when a deer is looking down the barrel of a 12-gauge or about to go head-on with a Ram 1500.
Deanith	This team reminds me of Amber Heard. They probably lie about pooping in the bed and then frame it on someone else. Just pitiful. The team shits the bed week in and week out.
Cavinder Boobs are BACK	I'm getting the witches from the movie The Witches (the one with the little kids and the mice), but not when the witches look all presentable—more like when they look all yucky. This roster is yucky, and their season has been yucky.

Petey’s Playoff Picks

1 SEED SCUMPS

2 SEED BRY

3 SEED VS 6 SEED

PETE. VS CREAM

4 SEED VS 5 SEED

SQUIRT VS ERIC

NEXT ROUND

SCUMPS VS SQUIRT

PETE VS BRY

FINALS

BRY VS SQUIRT

CHAMPION

SQUIRT

Fantasy Court with Judge Jeudy

Fantasy Villain

Villain of the Week: Week 7

Plenty of duds to go around this week. Let me first give an honorable mention to Geno Smith. Abysmal performances these past few weeks, and honestly might be out of a job in the coming weeks if he can’t figure out how to drive the raiders down the field. He would’ve been too easy to write a segment about so he just gets an honorable mention. The real villain of the week is the RB for the Jets, Breece Hall. Dude’s supposed to be a stud and is averaging a below average 9.8 points a week. For a RB that was projected to have RB1/RB2 numbers, he’s been a solid disappointment in more weeks than he’s been a solid asset. Not to mention, the Jets are a solid high school franchise playing professionals, so Breece doesn’t look to get any better unless he’s traded to any of the other 31 teams in this league. For all these reasons, it’s no surprise that Breece Hall ends up as my villain of the week.

Dear Jill

Dear Jill,

Wooowwwwe my lord my lord! I’ve gotta a golden ticket! I’ve gotta a golden ticket! Oh yippe, oh joyous of days and Christ in the highest! Thinking about the power….i can send someone away for life! I can put a deadbeat boyfriend away for a long time! Lethal injection, firing squad, electric chair, oh what a gift my life is, oh joyous days!!! I’m juror 13, god is good!!

Ps don’t look up buzzfeed worst 50 things on the Internet in 2016

Grumbles with Old Man Maurer

Grumbles

Grumble grumble grumble grumble injuries grumble grumble Pete is winning grumble grumble grumble grumble

Xoxo

Old Man Maurer

CHOPPED!

Lasers and smoke come on. The crowd cheers CHOPPED, CHOPPED, CHOPPED. The intro music plays and then it stops. It’s quiet for a second and then there’s confusion.

A video screen slowly motors itself down and then there’s a beep. Elon appears on the video, shirtless with sunglasses on he’s on a yacht.

Elon: Hello slaves! I mean, good people!

He takes a drink.

Elon: This week Daddy got chopped!

You can see a tear dripping down his cheek.

Elon: He leaves behind Ashton Jeanty, Josh Allen, JK Dobbins, Amon Ra St Brown, Javante Williams, and Jalen Hurts

He sniffs and pauses, chugs his drink.

And me..

The video call ends. The outro music plays and the fog machine blasts.

Matchup Picker

Orenthal James Simpson v Cavinder Boobs

• 0%OJ Simpson
• 0%Cavinder Boobs

Diddler v Scumper’s Thumpers

• 0%Diddler
• 0%Scumper’s Thumpers

Squirtin’ Manning v The Underachievers

• 0%Squirtin Manning
• 0%The Underachievers

The Tylenol Bandits v Big Kupp Hunters

• 0%The Tylenol Bandits
• 0%Big Kupp Hunters

Deanith v Milky Cream Dream Team

• 0%Deanith
• 0%Milky Cream Dream Team

Daddy v. Hiff Clangers

• 0%Daddy
• 0%Hiff Clangers

Fantasy Meme of the Week