Fantasy Newsletter: Week One

Morning Huddle

The sun was rising as the man drank his coffee on his back porch. He took a breath in as he took in the quietude of the world around him, of his home. It wouldn't be long until little footsteps ran around him in circles, until cries of agony, laughs of enjoyment came from the doorway behind him. He saw all the possibilities. He saw his life change. There was something exciting about that, but there was also the terrifying possibility that he wouldn't recognize himself any longer. Until then he's going to drink his coffee.

It was then that soft footsteps and the sound of the sliding glass door behind him opened. He turned his head, and his wife, half asleep.

"Good morning, handsome." She managed to groan out.

He nodded, as was ritual, got up and headed to make her coffee as she rested a hand on her stomach and waddled to a seat.

Inside, he poured her coffee just like she enjoyed it. Mostly black with enough cream to change the tint. His dog usually waited by his feet for the morning ritual of his biscuit. When he finished pouring and he turned to hand the biscuit to his dog, he was not there. Curious, the man followed his tracks outside.

There, his wife sat moaning. Gripping the armrests. The man ran over and she whispered through her pain, "It's time."

Once at the hospital, things moved fast. The wife worked through pain, with the sole objective of a miracle at the end of the pain. She twisted the mans hand and he thought of his back porch just a few hours before. The tremendous pressure of what was to come felt too heavy.

In the one of the few moments of breath and peace the man walked out to catch is breath. He paced the hall for a few moments and while his back was turned a doctor came up to him and grabbed his shoulder.

"Son," he whispered.

The man turned with tears in his eyes.

"Your fantasy championship is almost here."

Happy fantasy football season.

Commissioner's Corner

Happy Football NFFL,

It’s a gorgeous day to be one of the 12.

We arrive here once again—another chapter in a league older than some of your hairlines, built on grit, rivalry, and grumpiness.For decades, this league has stood as a beacon of competition, camaraderie, and chaos. We’ve witnessed dynasties rise, pretenders fall, and Branden somehow finish a season with a single, lonely win. One win, Branden. A true record in perseverance… or something else entirely.

This season, let’s be clear: treason will not be tolerated. We all remember the Maurer brothers’ betrayals—they’ve practically written their own section in the NFFL history books titled The Dark Ages. Let their mistakes remind us that loyalty, like a solid RB2, is rare and precious. And as for Nick Sowell, we can already hear the complaints warming up like a kicker in the fourth quarter of a meaningless preseason game. Don’t worry, Nick—we can’t wait for the weekly rule-change suggestions and conspiracy theories about the corrupt commish, It wouldn’t be the NFFL without them.

So, to every owner: embrace the madness. Trash talk with confidence, draft like legends, and play like your fantasy life depends on it—because in this league, it does. Joe will be too nice, someone will panic-pick a player in anxiety, and inevitably, someone will rage-text the group chat at 1 a.m. after a 0.2-point loss. That’s the beauty of the NFFL. Here’s to a season of drama, glory, heartbreak, and stories we’ll be laughing about long after the trophy changes hands. Buckle up, gentlemen. The greatest league in existence is back. 

NFFL 2025

Tears and Jeers

Tears

1. Scumps are you sstill in the league? - Beadle

2. Pissed that I had to google this shit - Joe

3. Well ICE deported a loan officer but they have 4 high performers they are going to poach from Rocket Mortgage so they are leaving the positions open. - Beadle

Jeers

1. If we're throwing out opinions then Charonnet is going to be RB3 this year. So no one offer me a top 10 QB, WR, or RB. - Zach

2. I want Cat Daddy Joes Pool Side Talks where he gives us what feels like compliments and encouragement on our teams but just talks down and belittles us. - Crit

3. Shadookie Dean - Con

Power Rankings

TEAM	COMMENTARY	HOT TAKES
1.Pete	opsie, Mr. Peter is at #1. This is either going to inflate his ego so much that he'll successfully have a universe brain and go undefeated, and fleece Dean and Squirt out of all their good players, or it will jumpstart some form of evil voodoo for his team where they spiral to the bottom and grumble from the muck. Outside of Kelce, I think Pete has the most well-rounded group of starters with potential for secondary players to pop later in the year. There is a scenario where Killa Trav may have a little bit of pep in his step this year since he was finally able to get into Taylor's box, and if that's the case, we could all be screwed.	Pete will make it to the championship
2.New Cavinder Boob Goofin	Beef Papi Muñanyo got me thinking about the boob job the Cavinder twins got, but I can't help but highlight the bang-up job he did in this draft. This team is sitting perky and pretty like 450 CC from Dr. Dean Miami, and has multiple players at every position that I view in an ideal fantasy situation. The Dak/Pickens stack could be lethal for fantasy points or lethal for Dak on the sideline if he doesn't target YoungBoi Pickens. Chase Brown is going to be in a position for another big year with little competition in the Bengals backfield. Overall, this team has some serious dudes who can put up crooked numbers easily.	Josh Downs will be WR1 on the Colts
3.Scumpers Thumpers	Mr. Thumpers is biding his time until he can once again sit atop this league. I think people are out on Scraps and his team, but if everyone stays healthy, I don't see any holes. I really like the Burden pick, especially since Ekeler is as old as dirt and I can see Burden popping off with Ben Johnson later in the year. Will Scumps rise to the top, or will CMC's calf flare up again? I'm under the belief the stem cells, TRT, and creatine they injected into his leg should hold up enough to let Scumps make some noise this year.	CMC will play 15+ games and win comeback player of the year
4.Daddy	Joe and his team won the league last year, and he dropped the "Joe" from his team name; to everyone in this league, he is known as Daddy. I already know when I play Joe, I'm going to feel like a kid who got in trouble. "Please Daddy, don't punish me! I promise I won't mess with your mint condition Malik Nabers and Trey McBride collectible action figures again." Is this a limited release post-Super Bowl win Jalen Hurts figurine I see? Nothing to really complain about outside of Swift, but I can see a path for him to pop in that Bears offense if he stays healthy. Joe, congrats on your title last year. The Gibbs jersey looks good on you.	Joe will be bounced week 1 of the playoffs
5.Gurley's 1 Kupp	I just want to highlight that if we were going for team names that make fun of sex videos, we had Pukkake right there, and when I look at Crit's team, I feel like I'm about to join a Pukkake, for real. This is a well-rounded team with good starters. Nick Chubb looks like he could be a good complementary piece within the team's ranks, considering Joe Mixon has some mystery injury, and Marv is being criminally undervalued with his points projection, in my opinion.	Crit will be a playoff team and challenge Pete in the semifinal game
6.Deanith	Rumor has it Commish Spray referred to his Argentinian travel agent for who he should pick in this draft. I'm pleasantly surprised by this team but am fully expecting the implosion to come by Week 3 when Dean has plucked half his beard hairs out and Achane is sidelined for the year. Overall, this team has the potential to put up some serious points week in and week out. It's just a matter of if Dean psychs himself out or not. Just fingers crossed he doesn't trade his best player to a league superteam and seal our fates early on.	BTJ will finish as fantasy WR1
7.Milky Cream Dream Team	A well-built team for Con's Chobani Creamers. I feel like Mahomes this year is going to play pissed off and start slinging that motherfucker or vulturing touchdowns in the red zone. I'm not completely sold on the running back room, but most of my concern comes from Aaron Jones. I think the two bench RBs can be good plug-and-play options if they are able to carve out some space for themselves. You better believe in yourself and keep kicking, Dr. Cream!	Mahomes will be a top 5 fantasy QB this year and return to his fantasy glory days
8.Diddler	"Pick me up and play me like a diddle," this team is looking kind of creamy, foo. The Penix and Bijan stack will be nice, and don't get me started on Las Vegas Jeanty. I have a little bit of unease when looking at Wilson, Evans, and White Boy Rick, but two of the three have popped off before, and the third is the white version of 50 Cent. Someone cue up "In da Club" because Diddles could be primed for a solid fantasy season.	Bryce will collude with both of his brothers thinking he won the trade, but they actually diddled him
9.Alvin and the Chipmunks	UUUUUHHHHHH, this team is so deep with WRs, RBs, and TEs, but sometimes what matters is the motion of the ocean, a.k.a. who you got throwing the ball for you. This is a stereotypical build from Zach, where he is loaded up like a doomsday prepper, but this year I think the QBs might've slipped away from him a bit. If Rodgers can stay healthy and looks competent in a Steelers offense that reeks of FedEx packages, then I think there's a path for success.	Zach will start the season hot, but miss the playoffs due to injruies
10.Big Kupp Hunters	By me putting Eric this low, I know I'm just asking for him to prove me wrong, and he'll probably do so because this guy exudes grit. He has proven players within the QB and WR rooms, and if the two rookies he's drafted can pop off, then I think Ric is well deserving of some rising ranks within our league. If the rookies flop, then it'll be a swing and a miss, and he'll need to figure something out to shore up the RB position.	Henderson will be OROY and have the most fantasy points out of all rookies this year
11.Squirtin' Manning	Shocker, the team that has two players who attended Orenthal James school of driving is near the bottom of the totem pole. One "lil susie" never hurt nobody, but TWO LIL SUSIES? Now that's what I call a "susie baka." Overall, I like the duo of running QBs paired with two great RBs when healthy, but the WR room leaves more to be desired, especially with Crashee Rice and Addison both out for a bit. I'm curious to see where this Squirtn' group is after weeks 4 and 6.	JT will finish as RB1 if healthy
12.Hiff Clangers	The more I look at my team post-draft, the more I hear the voice of Peter Harlan Maurer telling me I'm the Cowboys of this league. Typically, that would upset me, but I'm starting to embrace it, and this just feels right after last year. I'm broken, lost, and maybe a little bit delusional—a few traits I share with Sleepy Joe and Jerry Jones. I need to claw my way back from the muck, and hopefully my QB and WR rooms will help me do so, but the RB and TE room might have something else to say.	Jaxson Dart will come in week 5 and be Bo Nix Lite

Fantasy Villain

Preseason Villain

Honorable mentions to Rashee Rice, Joe Mixon, and Jordan Addison for their suspensions, and random lingering foot problem.

First villain of the year has to go to Joey B and the Daddy squad. Coming off a championship win last year, we can all agree that Daddy can’t go back to back. While preseason rankings may not favor Daddy’s squad, never underestimate his ability to whip out the belt and apply some quick smacks to the backside of his opponents.

Dear Jill

Dear Jill

Once again I’m lonely and sad, I’m lost, hopeless and confused. Nobody knows the struggles I have…it’s hard to be me. Growing up a 6’4 Neanderthal with hair that looks like bryces chest l have always found my struggles. This year again I have found my struggles. I drafted 4 QB’s thinking I made it big! I mean think of all the top ten wide outs and running backs I can acquire because of this. It’s fool proof too because I run a column in my local fantasy group where I shame people on trades, so if people don’t send me those top ten players for my qb4 I can shame them!! It gets me rock hard to be like this and I can’t wait to do it all season. My question is, hypothetically speaking, if I keep this up will I be screwed and stuck with 4 QBs and no production all season?

Yours truly,

Anonymous

P.S I learned how to sage a house to exile demons from my home!

Fantasy Court with Judge Jeudy

Listen up, because I don’t have all day. This is Fantasy Football Court, and I run it the way I run my courtroom—quick, sharp, and without any nonsense. If you’ve been accused of making ridiculous trades, cooking up collusion schemes, or crying like a baby every time a veto doesn’t go your way, you’re standing right here in front of me. Don’t roll your eyes, don’t waste my time, and don’t give me excuses—I deal in facts. Facts come in the form of trade receipts, group chat screenshots, or that suspicious waiver claim you made at 2:00 a.m. The jury is your league mates, but let’s be honest, I’m the only one whose ruling counts. This court exists for one reason: to keep the league fair, competitive, and fun. So if you’re guilty, I’m going to say it straight: you pay your penalty, you take your medicine, and you stop ruining fantasy football for everybody else. Case closed.

And don’t even think about insulting my intelligence with garbage trades. Don’t piss on my leg and tell me it’s raining—you knew that deal was nonsense the second you sent it. You don’t trade Justin Jefferson for a third-string running back and call it “strategy.” That’s not bold, that’s stupidity—and stupidity doesn’t fly in my courtroom.

You—yes, you in the back. Don’t look away, Diddler, I’m talking to you. You think I don’t see the collusion in your little “buddy deals”? Newsflash: this isn’t kindergarten, it’s fantasy football. If you want to hold hands and share toys, do it on the playground, not in my league.

And don’t even get me started on the whiners. “But Judge Jeudy, the veto system is unfair!” Boo hoo. This is football, not therapy. If you spent half as much time setting your lineup as you do crying in the group chat, you might actually win a game.

In Fantasy Football Court, I am the law, the order, and the standings. You make dumb trades, you get called out. You cheat, you get exposed. You whine, you get laughed at. End of story. Now go set your lineup before Dean has to do it for you on a Miami coke bender.

I’m Judge Jeudy, and this is Fantasy Court.

Grumbles with Old Man Maurer

I just want to start this season by just saying I’m not grumpy.

With that being said, here are a few things that I predict will piss me the fuck off this season:

1. One sided trades that seem to be only beneficial to one

2. Commissioner not processing trades in a timely manner

3. Pete chirping and generally just being Pete

4. Nick Sowell’s grumpiness rubbing off on me and getting me grumpy

5. Me doing a trade then Pete telling me how bad it was then me spiraling into a sadness tornado

6. MSU being mid to mid-ass this year

7. Bryce Underwood

8. Taylor Swift

9. 67

10. People accusing me of being part of the Maurer Crime Family

Let’s have a good season. Can’t wait for you all to give me great things to grumble about.

Xoxo

Old Man Maurer

Matchup Selector

Diddler V. Hiff Clangers

• 0%Diddler
• 0%Hiff Clangers

Alvin and the Chipmunks V. Milky Cream Dream Team

• 0%Alvin and the Chipmunks
• 0%Milky Cream Dream Team

Squirtn' Manning V. Deanith

• 0%Squirtn' Manning
• 0%Deanith

New Cavinder Boob Goofin V. 2 Gurleys 1 Kupp

• 0%New Cavinder Boob Goofin
• 0%2 Gurleys 1 Kupp

Orenthal James Simpson V. Big Kupp Hunters

• 0%Orenthal James Simpson
• 0%Big Kupp Hunters

Scumper's Thumpers V. Daddy

• 0%Scumper's Thumpers
• 0%Daddy

Fantasy Meme of The Week