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  • Writer's pictureChristopher Spray

News in Brief

George W. Bush on shaking Donald Trump Jr.’s hand – ‘Small like a migrant, and sticky. Far too sticky.’

As he approaches the stand, former President George W. Bush nervously grips the hand rail. This was the moment he had been dreading for months, following the announcement of the nomination. Out of the corner of his eye, George senses the shiny drops of sweat that were reflecting an upside-down mirror of the stage as they slowly drip down his temple. He feels a pounding- a sort of hazy fog that he couldn’t seem to break out of. His loving wife, the adoring First Lady and iconic doubles partner, Laura Bush, squeezes his hand, causing him to sharply flinch. “I’m so sorry honey, I didn’t mean to scare you.” He watches her lips make out the words, but he hears nothing- only a pounding deafness. Staring at his hands, he feels a push from behind and he knew it was time. Walking up the stairs he could see the black slacks of the two 'men'. He repeats in his head the words of advice from Cheney: ‘Just don't linger, the more you linger, the wetter it gets’. He stops right in front of the first pair of trousers and looks up to a smiley Donald Trump Sr. who holds out his hand with a shit eating grin. Relieved, George puts on a toothless smile in return and shakes his peers hand, but knows the worst is yet to come. As he turns to move on, George suddenly grabs hold of Donald Sr's shoulder, feeling briefly as though he may lose conciousness. Cheney's voice again: 'Best to just get it over with quickly'. Closing his eyes and inhaling deeply, Georges shifts his eyes to the black slacks of the 'thing' now awaiting his acknowledgment. George could tell that the slimy greaseball had been staring at him since the moment he walked on stage. He senses the tension in this creatures aura that almost screams 'PLEASE SIR, YOUR APPROVAL, PLEASE'. Swallowing thick saliva and forcing back tears, he reaches out to shake the greasy hand of the jive turkey king himself, Donald Trump Jr.

We here at 60 minutemen now, after 3 years of being unwilling to answer questions regarding the moment, had the exclusive chance to sit down and get a statement from George himself.

Blanderson: "George, takew your time, but also go ahead."

George: “It was the most haunting 2 seconds of my life. I mean, that hand, my god. It was small, like a migrant, and sticky... Far too sticky.”

Later, after George had tucked in for the night, former first lady Laura Bush informed us he had been “preparing for the encounter for weeks, but 3 years later and the sweet baby angel just isn't the same."

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