Morning Huddle
It's a crisp fall night, the night before Halloween - Halloween Eve, if you will. The leaves have turned and for many in the group, the life of their summer hue has fallen victim to the paleness of the darker months. The guys sit around a fall fire, their breath can be seen with every inhalation. The monster mash plays in the background. They laugh with beers in their hand. It is quite a cozy scene for them.
There's a pause in the conversation as they all seem to simultaneously notice this.
"You know what?" Branden says after a minute.
The eyes of the guys light up as they are curious to know.
"I have a new drink in my bag if everyone is interested, I'll grab it." There are accepting nods.
"That would be delightful," Pete says with his endearing smile.
Branden gets up and pulls the sliding back door open.
There's a quiet again as they enjoy each other's presence.
Then, the porch light flickers. There's a slam, like a car door slamming.
"Branden?" Yells the Commish, sarcastically. They all laugh. But they are a little worried.
There's silence that answers them.
Conor, who has been sitting in the corner quietly observing the group speaks up, he clears his throat, "uh, should someone check on him."
"You can, Cream." Says Pete, again with a smile.
"Nah."
They look around at each other. Commish, realizing his duty stands up and rolls his eyes. "I will."
"Thanks, Dean," Pete says with a smile.
For that, the Monster Mash repeated, and chatter picked back up.
Minute after minute passed and neither Branden nor Chris returned. In their drunken laughter, Zach points out that these two are missing. They laugh it off, they fear acknowledging what might have happened.
_
In the crickets of the night, the driveway dripped down the suburban sidewalks. Two men piled on top of each other. Their heart ripped out and laid it to the side of them. In serial killer handwriting, spelled out across the pavement.
YOU'RE NEXT,
-FANTASY BOOGEYMAN.
Commissioner's Corner
Fantasy Blues
I thought it was genius, the trade of the year, Swayed by performance, all crystal clear.
I sent off my star for a promising face,
Convinced that I’d locked up my league-winning place.
But Sunday rolled in, and reality hit,
As my old player shone, while my team… well, it split.
He racked up the touchdowns, the yards, and the flair,
While my “upgrade” sat idle, legit gasping for air.
Week after week, I'll watch and I'll cry,
At the stats, he is posting, for Joe B the guy.
Each point a reminder, each win but a tease,
How could I have let him go with such ease?
Now my season’s in shambles, my roster a mess, All from that trade I thought was the best.
So here’s to the lesson, painful yet true— Sometimes the grass isn’t greener; it’s just fantasy blue.
Have a good night and god bless Cade Otton.
Cheers,
Commish
P.S. Commissioner Spray wants to express his deepest and most sincere condolences to the Vichinksy family for their terrible loss last night. Hopefully, the Vichinksy family just keeps thinking hard about what ‘could have been’ all season.”
Tears and Jeers
Tears
"Sorry to hear about BT JR, Bruce" - Nick
"Perfect Kirk's out." - Commish
"Damn. May have gotten inked by the squid today." - Bryce
"Scumps having an all-time week again to lose once again" - Pete
Jeers
"How about Diggs 4 Puka Shells boys?" - Eric
"MSU 🤝 Pacheck it Out - Letting Bryce down when he thought it was finally a guaranteed win." - Pete
"I just keep telling myself, "at least I'm not Branden, at least I'm not Braden..." - Commish
"The rich get richer and the poor get poorer this week" - Beadle
Power Rankings with Branden Knorr
Team | Power Ranking of Team | When looking at your team/situation this is the image that pops into my head |
Fuck Peter Harlan Mau | Kinda scary how good this team can still be with some players having off weeks. The addition of Smith is massive and offers a ton of flexibility for this roster. Beef made that move to win. (Previous ranking - 1) |  |
Diggs 4 Puka Shells | Ric making a case for the #1 spot with a high scoring performance this week. Nothing new here just another good top to bottom team that's competing for a title.(Previous ranking - 2) |  |
Milky Cream Dream Team | Con made a really good streaming pick this week by ushering Zeke into the starting lineup then off his team before any of us could blink. This team is yet to peak and is on the climb with two WR weapons becoming available in the coming weeks. Keep an eye out for a Diontae bump if he moves teams IRL. (Previous ranking - 3) |  |
Heading For the Hills | The standard is the standard for this team. Just outputting another good performance. I'm curious to see how the Herbert for Smith trade will pan out considering they have two solid QBs already and the WR core isn't this team's strong suit. I wouldn't be surprised is Zach has another trade cooking up and will potentially move a QB for another weapon. (Previous ranking - 4) |  |
Daddy | Joe's team gives me nightmares. Joe has quietly accuired the pieces for a nuclear warhead type of team and they are set to launch. This roster IMO can easily be at the top and competing for a title come the yoffs. I'd say the only thing to do from here on out is to sit back and enjoy the ride, and maybe buy Dean a blanket or something because he's pretty cold since he's been fleeced in the Gibbs deal. (Previous ranking - 8) |  |
Squirtn' Manning | This team just needs to hold out until the playoffs. K.I.T... K.I.T.... Keep It Together a mantra to live by just like Eddie Murphy in Bowfinger. If this team holds onto their playoff spot and some players get healthy or warrant their starting position (*COUGH COUGH*) ARich then there's a path for this team to succeed, but might not hurt to shop around for a QB and a piece or two. Might have togive up a piece in order to get something in return. (Previous ranking - 6) |  |
Squid Games | Unfortunately this team lost again this week but looking at the roster this is a team that can compete in the playoffs. CMC will be back and hopefully he can stay healthy enough to bring Bryce to the promise land. Please Bryce I'm begging... win it all. The Spartans need at least one win this year and you might be our only hope. Go Green. (Previous ranking - 5) |  |
Scumper's Thumpers | Not ideal to face the #1 team this past week but this roster is solid and I think they can further improve with a more ideal starting lineup week to week. I think DHop is going to be one of those players you can never read week to week. If you start him then he sucks, and if you bench him then he goes off. There's some more consistent pieces on this deep roster and I think they improve moving forward. (Previous ranking - 7) |  |
The Whittakers | Moved this team up one spot from their previous ranking just because I think they can maintain where they're at, and not spiral, but they'll need players to step up or make a trade to have any chance at the playoffs or a title. (Previous ranking - 10) |  |
Default Team Name | There are some flashy names within this team's WR core and at any given week they could go off, but I have concerns with there being only three RBs on the roster, and two of them being in timeshares.If there were more positional depth I think the one starting QB system might work. I think this team will also float around this current position, but they aren't destined for the toilet bowl. If the right trade moves are made I think there's opportuity for growth. (Previous ranking - 9) |  |
Hiff Clangers | Hey look at that, I moved up one spot! Took forever for the Steelers player to finally wake up... what could've been if Russ was healthy to start the season. This team has been down on it's luck but I think they can potentially play spoiler to teams looking for those last few playoff spots. I just keep trying to reassure myself that everything will click before the TB and we won't have to be punished. (Previous ranking - 12) |  |
Screamin Queen DeanHiff Clangers | Is it a spite move dropping the commish down one because he thinks his trash team is better than my trash team? MAYBE. WE'RE BOTH TRASH OK. This team will be haunted by what could've been if they kept Gibbs and Mooney. Before that trade I considered them a more complete team, but now with injuries and their current roster they are looking a little dicey. Don't know what moves can me made other than dropping to your knees and peforming ten prayers to the fantasy gods. (Previous ranking - 11) |  |
Mid-Year Superlatives with Peter Maurer
Most Changed: Branden
Biggest Bromance: Diddler and Squiddler
Team with the best shot to win it but blows it first round: Beef
Future Commish: Nick Sowell
Biggest Wannabe Diddler: Nick Vichinsky
How are they winning? Crit
Most likely to think they will get to a championship again no matter what: Cream
Most Likely to never say a word until they get into the playoffs: Joe
Best Eyes: Pete
Most likely to give you belt to ass if you disrespect him: Eric
Most likely to be commish, not do a good job, and piss everyone off: Dean
A Paid Aid From Peter Maurer |
 |
Here’s the deal folks, we got an issue, so here’s the deal. Fact, more players have been shot while Dean Spray has been commissioner Fact, trade diddling is at an all-time high under Dean Spray Fact, Dean Spray is more focused on sole control than a league democracy. I’m not perfect, but I have had the most with the run-ins with the law. I have been shamed, battered, and bruised. I won’t fiddle with the rules because I know one mistake and I’m out of this league. This league needs to be in the control of the people and not the crooked, evil, twisted master spray. The dam started with a spray and not its full flood. Vote him out and vote in a man of the people. #PeterMaurer4Commish2025 |
Would anyone vote Pete?
0%Yes
0%No
Trade Talk With Nick Sowell
Greetings to the masses, the sun arises and I yet again find myself overwhelmed with joy after defeating my 3rd Maurer of the year. To those who lost over the weekend, I offer my condolences as we work towards the witching hour of the season, where playoff hopes are lost. May the fantasy lord himself grant you the fortune you desire.
I have found that since the introduction of trade talks, abhorrently unfair trade offers have significantly reduced. Perhaps a bad thing for the column, but a good thing for the league. A positive byproduct of me getting to do my favorite thing on earth — passing judgement onto others.
That being said, let’s get into our submissions from the past week.
Beef —> Chinsky
I was fortunate enough to be in communication with Beef about a trade for Herbert at the time of this offer. It truly was a once in a lifetime experience to receive live screenshots of other offers he was sending out while we were negotiating. I was genuinely surprised at beefs use of common sales tactics during those negotiations — between creating a false sense of urgency and drumming up some nonexistent competition to force me into a decision, I think he would make a great salesman in another life.
I don’t think a single person on this planet would have done this trade, but hey at least he threw 4-catch Pearsall on there as an attempt to make this seem less awful.
Commish —> Pete
I cannot for the life of me figure out why this didn’t go through. I’m not often at a loss for words, but on this I am. Both parties need to get their priorities straight, a championship is on the line here.
I feel as though we are missing something in this week’s talks… wait, where is the Diddler? No trade offers sent out, especially after a loss? Did he diddle his last fantasy trade? I guess only time will tell.
Our dumbfuck trader of the week remains the same as the previous weeks due to the abhorrent behavior up to this point in the season, and one beef trade offer isn’t going to change that.
That is it for this weeks column, make sure to keep sending in your offers, and I’ll continue to pass impartial and respectful judgment.
Only the best,
Squirt
Crit's Thoughts
What's the difference between me and Anthony Richardson (both very well known for not knowing what we're doing)?
I don't fucking quit when I'm losing.
Guest Picker of the Week: Zach's Mom (Tracy)
Je Ne Saquon Vs. Fuck Chris Cuckface Spray
Je Ne Saquone will win because I like an underdog (didn't tell Mom until afterward she picked my team).
Je Ne Saquon Vs. Fuck Chris Cuckface Spray
0%Je Ne Saquon
0%Chris Cuckface Spray
Scumper's Thumpers Vs. Default Team Name
I'm gonna pick Scumper's Thumpers because the name is more original. Though, Default Team Name is funny.
Scumper's Thumpers Vs. Default Team Name
0%Scumper's Thumpers
0%Default Team Name
The Whittakers Vs. Diggs 4 Puka Shells
I'm going with Puka Shells because I know what a Puka Shell is and they have a better record than the Whittakers.
The Whittakers Vs. Diggs 4 Puka Shells
0%The Whittakers
0%Diggs 4 Puka Shells
Squirtin' Manning Vs. Daddy
Squirtin' Manning will get the win because I can't help but laugh every time I say the name.
Squirtin' Manning Vs. Daddy
0%Squirtin' Manning
0%Daddy
Dictator Dean Vs. Milky Cream Dream Team
Dictator Dean takes the win because he's the underdog and the name is funny.
Dictator Dean Vs. Milky Cream Dream Team
0%Dictator Dean
0%Milky Cream Dream Team
Squid Games Vs. Hiff Clangers
(Beverly's initial reaction to hearing Hiff Clanger's Record, "😅 can't pick them." Despite liking the underdog, Squid Games will win because Hiff Clangers Hasn't yet.
Squid Games Vs. Hiff Clangers
0%Squid Games
0%Hiff Clangers
Picker Rankings
Katie (5-1)
1.Nick Vichinsky (5-1).
2. Sabrina Carpenter (4-2)
2. Rachel Prowse (4-2)
2.Allyson Maurer (4-2)
2.Molly Rider-Vichinsky (4-2)
2. Stephen Pepps (4-2)
3. Shane Gillis (1-4-1)
Fantasy Meme of the Week
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