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  • Writer's pictureNicholas Vichinsky

NFFL Newsletter: Week Five and Six

Morning Thought

Extra, Extra, Read all about it! THE LEAGUE IN A STALEMATE?


Does anybody notice how extra hard it is to get a trade done? Obvious fleeces aside - the trade market comes down to a simple supply and demand philosophy. Instead, we are so worried about the league's perception in order to get things done. Unless it is an obvious fleece, one way or another, we’re not making that trade.


If anyone has ever studied the Communist Scare during the 50s-70s - this is a similar feat. We were so carried away by being unlike the enemy -propaganda of financial equality, same meal every day, fear of a release of power, and espionage - that we become it without realizing it - Levitt towns, materialism to the point of social pressure, no movement of power, espionage - leads to low change and deception of ourselves. Basically, we weren't investing for the betterment of ourselves, but to please and fit in with society. It’s truly the most ironic mindset to have.


Here’s the reality, there’s an obvious power distribution in the league. Everyone has the right to spoil that tier. Sometimes that means one team gets obviously better while the other gets a little better. But now the odds change, instead of lil Miss Papa Drake having no chance and beating Cream’s Dream team- there might be hope.


Any given Sunday.


Hats off to Bryce and Beef for challenging the status quo- it looks like it worked out so far.


Don’t be like the communists, be capitalists! It’s always worked out for us… 😎🔫💪🏻🇺🇸🌎


Commissioner's Corner

Today I woke up with a crusty feeling in my mouth. And honestly, I was totally okay with it. I knew that was the last load of bullshit that Nicholas Evelyn Vichinsky could blow in my mouth for the next 4-5 weeks. That’s right folks, Achanes out - and Mostert once again rules the field.

Why the hostility you ask? Well because this season was the season that this commissioner realized, yes - Pete, Squirt and Bryce surely fleece as often as they can. But at the end of the day the worst of them is Nicholas Evelyn Vichinsky. Because he not only fleeces, he thinks he’s smarter than you while he’s doing it. So goddammit he deserves a little belittling.

Outside of that, really nice week 5 folks, let’s get those heads down and focus in on week 6. Keep the greasy trash talk high, and the spousal abuse low.


Yours truly,

Commissioner Spray


Power Rankings


1. Hiff Clangers

2. Milky Cream Dream Team ↦

3. Screamin Mean QUEEN ↥

Trades seem to be paying off for the Queen. Although Zach Moss' clock is limited with JT back.

4. Scumper's Thumpers ↥

NBA Jam Rules, they're on fire.

5. Fight'n Gamecucks

Worst performance of the year shows the Cucks' weaknesses.

6. Le Squirtlocker

With Saquon back, La Porta on the Rise and now a WR1 when healthy, Squirtlocker is looking to go on a run.

7. Purdy Cheeks ↧

Hype can be just that... sometimes.

8. Fuck Chris Spray ↦

10. Reid it and Weep ↥

Some good trades to look forward to!

9. Dog Emergencies ↦

11. Daddy ↦

12. GarroppolypseNow! ↦


Jeers and Tears

Jeers



  1. Some excitement is coming out of Fuck Chris Spray and Reid it and Weep Camps this week. Some risky trades paid off, let's see how it works out for them in the long run.

  2. Pete is no longer in first place!

  3. Le Squirlocker had Jamar Chase show up this week!

  4. Cooper Kupp looks ready for a full Joe load - I mean workload.

  5. At the beginning of the week, Cream's Supreme Team looked like a lock for champion but with JJ down, there's hope for the rest of us!

  6. Have a day Zach Moss, may your fantasy relevance be short lived.

Tears



  1. Beef made a trade that fucked the whole league for a minute, then he made a trade that fucked Conor. Tears all around.

  2. The Divine Achane is going on IR.

  3. RIP Justin Jefferson with a Hamsting! Agh!

  4. Nick Sowell traded for an injured player, giving one of the most valued TE in the league.

  5. Pete traded for Dak Prescott. (Holds in giggles).

  6. Ziggy Zach played an OUT player! BOOOOO.

  7. Beef paid 28 FAAB for Lazard.

  8. Spray paid 12 FAAB for Zach Wilson.


Biggest Winners and Losers

🏆 - I guess one of the biggest winners has to be Beef Papi's Fuck Chris Spray. They took a "risky" trade but it paid off with JJ going on IR.

🚽- Therefore one of the biggest losers has to be Supreme Leader Cream and his JJ loss.

🚽- Don't look further than me, who is also dealing with loss to the family. RIP Achane.

🏆 - Clangers get JT who will be in full swing by the playoffs (gulp).

🏆 - Ziggy Zach will be relieved to see that Burrow can still in fact play QB.

🚽- Garropolypsenow still has made no significant moves to improve his roster.

🏆 - Le Squirtlocker got rid of their 2 TE1 roster!


The Isabella: A Storied Rivalry

Please read in a Rece Davis voice.

Narrator: In all rivalries, players put their hearts out on the line for it to be broken; however, there are very few rivalries in sports quite like this. For Pete and Nick V, this rivalry goes beyond the start sit decisions and lineups and into the hearts of each other. Where love and innocence meet maturity and growing up.

Sentimental music plays

From the very beginning, their taste in women created a divide in their relationship. In 7th grade, after Pete found the love of his life, Nick left a practice and kissed her.

(Cut to interview with Nick V)

Rece: Take me back to that moment, after lacrosse practice...

Nick: Well I mean it was 7th grade. I was dumb. I never knew the repercussions that would ensue because of it. I just wanted to kiss a girl - I was 13! She wanted to kiss me too.

(Cut to an interview with Pete)

Pete: Fuck that dude, he took my girlfriend.


Narrator: The rivalry did not stop there. After a couple of back and forths, Pete dating Nick's long-time girlfriend first, Nick talking to Pete's crush one ultimately united the two - Isabella.

(Cut to an interview with Pete and Nick V)

Rece: So what was unique about this situation?

Nick V: Well, I really liked her and had liked her for a while and I think this was about the time that -

Pete: You didn't mention that I dated her first.

Nick V: That is irrelevant.

Pete: Nooooo, no, no, mister.

Nick V: Don't make me pull the card.

Pete: What card?

Nick V: You know the card.

Pete: ----

Nick V: As I was saying, Isabella didn't end up working out. It didn't work out with Pete either. So while I was sulking I think the conversation came up about always liking Pete's old girlfriends. At that point, I pointed out that he liked my girlfriends too.


Narrator: Years of competitiveness held their relationship together. Through sports, through heartbreaks, and through kissing each other's girlfriends. When their playing time ran out and they had nothing left to be competitive about - except for fantasy football - in remembrance of their competitive nature, their horniess, and their oddly similar taste in women, they dedicated the first game they play of every season to the one that symbolizes it all. Isabella.


For Scumper's Thumpers, this is an opportunity to prove his dominance in the series as they lead the series 4-2. For Pete and his Cucks, it's an opportunity to award some background to his team's mascot and to take back what is his.


For them, this week is not just a celebration of friendship a reignition of hatred.




Guest Matchup Picker: Nick Sowell from Le Squirtlocker


⭐ GotW: Scumpers Thumpers Vs. Fighting Gamecucks

Newsflash — The Gamecucks are ass! After barely scoring 80 points last week, I’m taking a sizable personal loan out at the bank and betting it all on Thumpers in week 6. Even without Achane, Scumps has enough RB firepower to take home the Isabella. Roll scumps all the way to Valhalla.


Thumpers or Cucks?

  • Thumpers

  • Cucks


Actual Real Emergencies Vs. GarropolypseNow!

Normally I’m taking UncleCrut without question here, but with Taylor Swift’s boyfriend coming into week 6 with a questionable designation and no serviceable RB2s, is it out of the question that Big Ric finds a much-needed W this week? In my opinion, yes it is. I got Uncle Crut taking the George W. this week.


Actual Real Emergencies Vs. GarropolypseNow!

  • Actual Real Emergencies

  • GarropolypseNow!


Screamin mean QUEEN Vs. Reid it and Weep

Boasting a newly revamped starting lineup, big Bruce Maurer is looking to edge out screamin tween mean Dean in a solid matchup this week. Unfortunately, Dean only has one starter on bye this week, so Bryce will probably need to wait another week to find his first win with his new team. Screaming Queens will walk away with a week 6 win.


Screamin mean QUEEN Vs. Reid it and Weep

  • Screamin mean QUEEN

  • Reid it and Weep


Purdy Cheeks Vs. Hiff Clangers

In what is arguably the spiciest matchup of this week, we have two solid football teams with very similar ceilings going head to head in a feisty battle. However, with Brando and the Clangers rolling like a red hot Cleveland steam engine into week six, I think that Ziggyzach takes the L by a very slight margin.

Purdy Cheeks Vs. Hiff Clangers

  • Cheeks

  • Clangers


Daddy Vs. Milky Cream Dream Team

Cream by 50. With team Daddy somehow only garnering 497 PA so far this year, it’s a miracle that they are 3-2 in the first place. Impressive nonetheless for a mostly auto-drafted team, but I got Connie Creampie laying the log in week 6.


Daddy Vs. Milky Cream Dream Team

  • Daddy

  • Milky Cream Dream Team


Le Squirtlocker Vs. Fuck Chris Spray

With beef collecting some newly added pieces to the puzzle and a possibly healthy Austin Eckler, the Squirtlocker may be in trouble if he can’t get his star RB1 & WR2 healthy before the week 6 kickoff. Depending on the health status of some key players this week, I have the Squirtlocker squeaking away with a very close victory.


Le Squirtlocker Vs. Fuck Chris Spray

  • Le Squirtlocker

  • Fuck Chris Spray

League Rumors and Conspiracies

-Anonymous Tip: Ryan Beadle has been doing fraudulent activity all season and he is at the forefront of collusion this year.

-Nick V will trade Achane and dishes for a week for a WR1

- Papa Drake is tanking for the Maurer clan - as a result, they will split jersey costs.

- Crit is attracted to Dobbs' bald head which is why he didn't trade for Cousins or Watson (both of which are on the block).

- Brando is actually fixing the NFL - he's one of the scriptwriters.


Q & A - Submit a Question!

Shoot me a text or DM for me to answer next week!







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