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  • Writer's pictureNicholas Vichinsky

NFFL Newsletter: Week 8 and 9

Morning Thoughts

The Tush Push - the center of so much controversy in the NFL. I for one don’t understand this controversy.

The play dates back to the NFL's origins. The play was the basis of the league. Offensive Coordinator's basic principle was who could push our mass of guys further and longer than the defense's?

Finally, after ties and stalemates ranging ten yards in 60 minutes, one smart man asked, why not go a little outside where fewer people are? And boom. Just like that, football became a perimeter game. Let’s ban the power! It cannot be stopped, football fans screamed from the stands - all but, I should say, the creator’s team fan base.

And here we are, in a world of perimeter, there’s a play that breaks normal conventions.

The brokenness of this logic becomes simple. Most innovations, trends, fashion, and history are circular. To deny play-callers from doing things that are the basis of league history is to rethink the game itself. Take league fashion: In the 80s crop top jerseys were the “drip”, in the 90s and 2000s it was extinct, in the 2010s it’s back. We wouldn’t outlaw this because one particular team thought it was fashionable and others couldn’t live up to how cool it looked.

This leads me to my third and final point - many teams have tried to replicate the success of the push and no one comes close to the success of Hurts and the Eagles. The play isn’t “broken” if it was, everyone would run it successfully. The Eagles are just a good football team, with a good line, and a hunky QB that can squat an elephant, any relatively smart OC can put it together that they should run a QB sneak and give two other men the opportunity to touch his butt - duh. To ban one team's success is not preventing a “hack” play, it is collusion -I said it! Off the top of my memory, there are not even safety concerns to this play as, to my knowledge, no one has been hurt.

To put this in fantasy terms, this is like taking away Alvin Kamara from Brandon’s team and claiming it’s because “his team is too good already. It’s against the rules to have a draft that good and have a cheat code running back.”

No, you jealous fuck, you just wish you could be that good OR you wish you could squeeze Hurts’ sweet cheeks.

Let the play live. Let freedom and innovation live. Also, draft Jalen Hurts next year.


Commissioner's Corner


Hello World And Happy Fucking Tuesday I capitalized every letter there because today is a beautiful day. Despite my disheartening loss to Ric this week, I feel... rejuvenated. Why? Well, because Peter Harlan Maurer lost. And that - is a godsend. His record, 6-2, is the same now as that of a Nick Sowell! That's really only one game away from myself. I can rest easy tonight. But alas! This is not the only reason for my joy this day. It's Week 9! Which means that I face none other than Bye Bye Brandon. Etienne, Kittle and Aiyuk are all out. This puts us at an equal playing field. Which is why I will be taking the trophy here in week 9. Just a big prop out as well to Bryce Maurer who took out the devil this week - thank you for your service. Hopefully, the NFFL will provide you with VA benefits in retirement. Yours sincerely, Christ the Commissioner



Power Rankings

1. Hiff Clangers

Ban him!

2. Fight’n GameCucks ↦

Despite the loss, the record speaks

3. Screamin Mean Queen ↦

Again, despite the loss, I think his team is more consistently 3rd.

4. Le Squirtlocker ↥

Working his way slowly up the ranks. His WR room looks good and with Barkley back his team is well rounded.

5. Milky Cream Dream Team ↧

His team still looks loaded but the losses have come from underperforming all-stars. With Stafford hurt Nuka’s volatility looks limited.

6. Scumper's Thumpers ↦

7. Purdy Cheeks ↥

Zach currently has one of the highest PFs while simultaneously having one of the highest PAs in the league. His team, with some luck, will compete for playoffs.

8. Kuppin’ Balls ↥

I’m going Kuppin’ here as his team has some nice pieces. This is definitely one that will compete down the stretch. Kupp’s upside is capped with Nakua in the lineup and Stafford hurt but Hall and the rest of the pieces look as locked in as they come.

9. Actual Real Emergencies ↥

I don’t think they are as bad as last place. Rolling along the same logic as Cheeks, A.R.E has THE highest PA in the league. While his team's upside is limited by a boom or bust WR room he will have it in days.

10. GarroppolypseNow! ↥

with a statement win, Eric’s team shows its “Boom” capabilities. While I don’t think that this will be consistent at the very least he shows the capability to go off in any week.

11. Fuck Chris Spray ↧

I do believe Monty helps this team. The future, however, looks grim with little trade capital or receiver depth.

12. Daddy ↧

Everything I said about Beadle can be applied here. The lowest scoring team in the league accompanied by the lowest PA creates some great luck. We will see how much luck the team has left getting closer to the playoffs.


Jeers and Tears

Jeers


1. GarroppolypseNow! Beat one of the best teams in the league with Tyrod Taylor and Miles Sanders who scored 0 points. No one saw this coming.

2. CeeDeez Points!

3. Kuppin Balls finally showing off his grown balls to his younger brother!

4. HiffClangers are clearing space in their bank account for first place.

5. Jahmyr Gibbs!




Tears


1. The commish is eating a humble pie this week.

2. Thank the fantasy lord that Pete is too with the lowest score of the week.

3. RIP to Kirk Cousins, Matthew Perry, Matthew Stafford, and the more irrelevant hurt players



Biggest Winners and Losers

🏆 - GarroppolypseNow! put the league on watch. He is capable of winning some games!

🏆 - Le Squirlocker with a come-from-behind victory.

🏆 - Kuppin' Balls in his victory of the brothers

🚽- Scumper's Thumpers lost another QB.

🚽-Fuck Chris Spray had to play 2 TEs (At least they were profitable).

🚽- Despite his attempt to rework his image in the league, Pete won the midterm of most hated team.


Guest Matchup Picker: Crit from Actual Real Emergencies

Behold my picks for this week: Actual Real Emergencies Vs. Fuck Chris Spray Pick: Fuck Chris Spray Actual Real Emergencies are picked to win every week, time to either accept reality or pray this solves all of my problems. Fuck you Aaron Rodger and fuck you even more Nick Chubb and all your glass bones.

Actual Real Emergencies Vs. Fuck Chris Spray

  • A.R.E.

  • Fuck Chris Spray

Scumper's Thumpers Vs. Purdy Cheeks Pick: Purdy Cheeks Close game but it's ultimately coming down to QB play and well, Nick doesn't have any. Maybe Nick can give Deshaun a massage to get him back on track. Purdy Cheeks picks up win 4 in an ugly matchup.

Scumper's Thumpers Vs. Purdy Cheeks

  • Scumper's Thumpers

  • Purdy Cheeks

Fight'n GameCucks Vs. Daddy Pick: Cucks I had to sit down with myself and ask "Am I really going to side with the Devil on this one?" and my answer is yes. Patrick Mahomes is playing against a QB-less Minnesota team and much like a cockroach; Pete just refuses to die this season.

Fight'n GameCucks Vs. Daddy

  • Fight'n GameCucks

  • Daddy

Le Squirtlocker Vs. Kuppin' Balls Pick: Squirtlocker Bryce is on cloud nine after his win and nothing would make me happier than Squirt absolutely plowing Bryce like it's going out of style. Also, and this appears to be the trend this season, he has one serviceable QB this week and I just don't go for Minshew Mania like I used to.

Le Squirtlocker Vs. Kuppin' Balls

  • Le Squirtlocker

  • Kuppin' Balls

🌟GoTW: Screamin Mean Queer vs Hiff Clangers Pick: Hiff Clangers A powerhouse showdown this week with #4 attempting to dethrone #1, Someone needs to set the tone early, now will it happen? Absolutely not, but it's fun to see Dean living in his fantasy world before reality settles in, it could be a close one but Lamar Jackson is back in true form. Hiff Clangers move to 8-1 and Dean cries himself to sleep.

Screamin' Mean Queen Vs. Hiff Clangers

  • Screamin' Mean Queen

  • Hiff Clangers

GarroppolypseNow! vs Milky Cream Dream Team Pick: Cream A real tale of the tape between two very mediocre teams, I think Cream will overcome the Stafford situation and escape with a safe win.


GarropppolypseNow! Vs. Milky Cream Dream Team

  • GarroppolypseNow!

  • Milky Cream Dream Team

Ideally, everyone loses and you all get to suffer with me for a week. Good luck and go football teams.


League Rumors and Conspiracies

- Nick Sowell is looking for a QB, he will give you an opportunity at AJ Dillion for a QB1!

- JMan said anyone can touch his lucky stick... ;)

- Eric wants to trade, send him as many trades and texts as humanly possible.


Sunday Memes




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Oct 31, 2023
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