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  • Writer's pictureNicholas Vichinsky

NFFL Newsletter: Week 7 and 8

Morning Thoughts: A Note From Bob Ross

Hello, I'm Bob Ross. I'd like to welcome you to the Week 7 and 8 Newsletter. If this is your first time with us, I'd like to personally welcome you to the page. Isn't that nice? If you're back, well welcome back, we're happy you're here (Smiles at the camera).

Now, today, I'd like you to grab your paintbrushes, take a breath and follow along. We will be using some unorthodox brushes and colors to paint some of nature's beautiful masterpieces. You'll need Titanium White, Phthalo Green, Phthalo Blue, Prussian Blue, Midnight Black, Dark Sienna, Van Dyke Brown, Alizarin Crimson, Sap Green, Cadmium Yellow, Yellow Ochre, Indian Yellow, and Bright Red... alright, are you ready?

We will start with painting a nice little mountain. Just start by swiping down... just like that. With each swipe, you're forgetting about the trade you can't make or the lineup you messed up. Just like that. See how that is coming along? Boy that's beautiful, isn't it? Can you imagine walking up there with someone important to you and looking off of it?

Now let's add some trees. You're going to have to use some Van Dyke brown. What a nice color. We will mix some Alizarin Green and Crimson to make that nice fall leaf feel.

I love fall. The little leaves are trying to run from winter. They decide to all cozy up on the ground. I like giving these little leaves names. Look that one is Calvin, this one Ridley, how about Bijan for that one? What's that? Did you draw a football by accident? Little football leaves, I like that. No, no worries - remember just happy accidents.

Let's give our scene a little grassy valley for our woodland critter friends. You'll need to use the edge of your brush, just push lightly. Just like that up and down. No don't make it into a football field - remember this is an oasis. A natural landscape of our clear mind.

Shoot, I think we just 'bout finished up the painting. Grab a little paint thinner, a little Yellow Ochre, and let's sign this little rascal. I really hope you enjoyed it.


Commissioners Corner


Dearest NFFL,

  • Week 8. The week where some people are thinking "Yea I'm all set on this season" or uno reverse - "I think I have a shot".

  • There's a slew of injuries, a stew of ill-tempers, and a spewing of bitching and moaning in the sacred halls of the group chat.

  • Brandon and Pete need to be bent over a bit in the coming weeks. Please someone put their fire out, as these two don't face each other the rest of the normal season.

  • As we progress through mid-season, I can't help but think of those that have fallen. We should remember our previous brothers, so please when you get a moment - take a minute of silence for Nick Hecht and Hayden Something.

  • The two leaders in the league right now make up 2 of the 3 lowest 'points against' in the league - something to think on

  • This week's waiver wires are going to likely be a little bit nutty. Spend that $. Unless you're a waiver prude like Joe. Joe will be super happy with his 88$ and a toilet bowl at the end of the season.

  • Lastly - I'd like to ask the readers here: Who is the most hated in the league right now?

Best, Warmest, and Sluttiest Regards,

Your Commish


Power Rankings

1. Hiff Clangers

2. Fight'n Gamecucks ↥

I will stop doubting them.

3. Screamin Mean QUEEN

Did nothing wrong, Cucks are just better.

3. Milky Cream Dream Team

Big upset this week drops the dream team down a spot.

5. Le Squirtlocker

Nice win to show the doubters up.

6. Scumper's Thumpers↦

Injuries killed them again this week. On the horizon, Murray lurks and Lamb will be back.

7. Fuck Chris Spray ↦

Static movement. I think Monty will be back soon and the roster will be able to compete.

8. Purdy Cheeks ↥

Redemption week for Cheeks. I think they will be on the move upward.

9. Daddy

Not a terrible performance by the team, but they still have a big hill to climb, talent-wise.

10. Kuppin Balls ↧

I still think The outlook looks a little more positive than 10

11. GarroppolypseNow! ↦

A win is a win!

12. Dog Emergencies

a L is a L


Jeers and Tears

Jeers


  1. Congrats to Kuppin' Balls for getting out of last place, and congrats to the other Maurer brother for replacing him.

  2. I love that Dean and Pete are showing us what theater kids are made of - "we do know sports!" Empowerment is key!

  3. Genuine congratulations to the Lions for finally using Gibbs, their first-round pick to his full potential.

  4. Hiffclangers always seems to have the best regular season, yet does not have a championship.

  5. No one got hurt this week!

Tears


  1. Tears for Scumpers Thumpers - what a disgrace. WHY DID YOU DROP DONTA YOU POS.

  2. And also to Milky Cream Dream for losing to Kuppin' Balls, yikes.

  3. Garroppolypse now and Actual Real Emergencies came so close to tasting victory again.

  4. Pete Maurer


Biggest Winners and Losers

🏆 - Kuppin' Balls - Out of the hole!

🏆 - Hiffclangers keep dominating! Also, what the hell is a Hiffclanger?

🏆 - Nick Sowell's dick swinging.

🚽- Scumper's Thumpers and Fuck Chris Sprays disappeared this week.

🚽- Milky Cream getting his balls cupped by Kuppin' Balls.


Story of the Week: Middle of the Year Superlatives


Best Manager

  • Hiffclangers

  • Fight'n Gamecucks

  • Screamin' Mean Queen

  • Le Squirtlocker


Most Disappointing

  • Purdy Cheeks

  • Scumper's Thumpers

  • Kuppin' Balls

  • GarroppolypseNow!



Most Liked Team

  • HiffClangers

  • Fight'n GameCucks

  • Screamin Mean Queen

  • Le Squirtlocker


Most Hated Team

  • Hiff Clangers

  • Fight'n Gamecucks

  • Screamin' Mean Queen

  • Le Squirtlocker


Best Trade

  • CeeDee Lamb -> Josh Jacobs

  • R. Stevenson -> S. Howell

  • C. Kirk, J. Ford, $15 -> C. Kupp

  • M. Andrew, M. Pittman -> A. St. Brown


MVP

  • J. Hurts

  • K. Walker

  • K. Allen

  • T. Kelce


Best Second Half Team

  • Hiffclangers

  • Fight'n GameCucks

  • Screamin Mean QUEEN

  • Le Squirtlocker


Best Team Name

  • Milky Cream Dream Team

  • Daddy

  • Fightin' GameCucks

  • Hiff Clangers


Champion

  • Hiff Clangers

  • Fight'n GameCucks

  • Screamin' Mean Queen

  • Le Squirtlocker


Toilet Bowl "Champion"

  • Hiff Clangers

  • Fight'n GameCucks

  • Screamin Mean Queen

  • Le Squirtlocker


Guest Matchup Picker: Zach Montague from Purdy Cheeks

Actual Real Emergencies Vs. Scumper’s Thumpers

Despite a rocky start to the season, Actual Real Emergencies has looked like a scary team over the past few weeks. Add in the injuries and questionable tags for Scumps, I think Crit will get back on track this week.


Actual Real Emergencies V. Scumper's Thumpers

  • Actual Real Emergencies

  • Scumper's Thumpers


🌟 GotW: Fight'n Gamecucks Vs. Kuppin’ Balls

Bryce’s bad luck has finally ended after a win against Milky Cream! Can he keep rolling and moving up in the rankings? Unfortunately, Gamecucks have found a way to put together wins all season with big performances each week, I think Gamecucks win, but by a closer margin than expected.


Gamecucks Vs. Kuppin' Balls

  • Gamecucks

  • Kuppin' Balls



Le Squirtlocker Vs. Daddy

After winning against an injury-riddled Scumps, Squirtlocker looks to keep the momentum going against Daddy. Daddy has been able to pull out some good wins this year despite projections suggesting otherwise. However, with Chase coming back from Bye week and Barkley handling 99.9% of all Giants plays, Squirtlocker takes the victory this week.


Le Squirtlocker Vs. Daddy

  • Le Squirtlocker

  • Daddy



Screamin Mean Queen Vs. GarroppolypseNow

Screamin Mean Queen has a scary combo with Diggs and Hill as WR1 and 2, add in Mostert and his stellar performances, I don’t think Jalen Hurts and Co. will be able to keep up with the points being scored by the Queens. Queens win this week.


Screamin Mean Queen Vs. GarroppolypseNow!

  • Sreamin Mean Queen

  • GarroppolypseNow!


Hiff Clangers Vs. Milky Cream Dream Team

Hiff Clangers bring a scary lineup, filled with 3 RB1s, plenty of good receivers and a top tier QB. Milky Cream has struggled the past few weeks, and is coming off a close loss to Kuppin’ Balls. Jefferson can’t return from IR soon enough. Hiff Clangers keep the championship dreams alive with another win this week.


Hiff Clangers Vs. Milky Cream Dream Team

  • Hiff Clangers

  • Milky Cream Dream Team


Purdy Cheeks Vs Fuck Chris Spray

Hard to predict anything in favor of Purdy Cheeks with how disappointing the season has been. Will he be able to turn it around? Fuck Chris Spray is coming off a week where no one could seem to score. Henry is coming off a bye week, and Ekeler looks to bounce back. However, I believe Purdy Cheeks wins this week


Purdy Cheeks Vs. Fuck Chris Spray

  • Purdy Cheeks

  • Fuck Chris Spray

League Rumors and Conspiracies

  • No one finds Fantasy enjoyable.

  • Pete of our Universe was abducted and taken to a different universe and was replaced by a darker more evil Pete the one from Sophomore year of college.

  • :)


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