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  • Writer's pictureNicholas Vichinsky

NFFL Newsletter: Playoffs Week One

Morning Thoughts

Dear Mom,

Day 105 of this horrid war. This does not consider the preparation time, just that of war.

I cannot sleep. The days blend together, it is hard I understand the worthy cause I have brought myself to, yet I wonder about the damage I have caused in it all. The attachments and the bridges burned. All in the pursuit of glory.

We have lost some good men. I will spare you the details. Some on the cusp of life which dwindled in the questionable hours of the night. Some early on.

I'm not sure which is more painful.

Now we are left with the guilt of survival and the lust for glory magnified.

Shell shock from DK Metcalf, Achane, and all gone in one week, then found, like coal from ashes to create a new spark in the effort. You never know who will come out.

For this, I leave you this:

Pray, Mother, for the ones passed. Zach, Eric, Beadle, Bryce, and Uncle Crut. Their valiant effort feels all but wasted. And Pray, Mother, for those fighting. Con, Chris, Nick, Pete, Branden, and myself. Know in the night, we are pondering the waivers, cutting the gutless, and praising the winners. We do this for the honor. Remember, even in a loss, what I tried to do.


Love,

Fantasy Football Player Nick


Commissioner's Corner

The year is 2039.

"Dad?" 

"Yes, son?"

"Who uh... Who..."

"Spit it out, son"

"Okay..."

Nicholas Vichinsky Jr. looks around nervously before pointing his attention back to his father's patient face, bravely asking: "Who had the best regular season in the 2023 NFFL?"

Nicholas Jr. immediately shut his eyes, flinching backward, waiting for the inevitable smack across the cheek. 

Nothing. 

He opened one eye, and looked back up at his father's face, noticing wet droplets racing through the immense gray beard. Nicholas Jr. had never seen his father cry before. He didn't know what to say.

Nicholas Vichinsky Sr. - noticing his son's stare, quickly wipes the tears off his cheek.  "Son, I know you don't know this," he choked out, "and asked out of pure curiosity... but it was Peter."

"Peter Cottontail?"

"No my sweet innocent boy, Peter... Peter Harlan Maurer."

He began to sob now, the boy unsure what to do, climbed up into his dad's lap and wrapped his arms around his neck.

Into Nicholas Sr's. ear, Nicholas Jr. whispers - "Harlan says fuck you you stupid cunt".


Merry Playoffs, god bless Zach M.


Cheers,

Commish


Power Rankings

Championship Bracket

1.Hiff Clangers

This is no surprise to anyone. However, I do believe that his team is beatable, his team is the most well-rounded in the Bracket.

2. Milky Cream Dream Team

Taking a look at my last week's bracket, I do have Milky Cream Dream Team winning it all. His team is loaded and is coming to full strength as we hit the must-win weeks.

3. Scumper's Thumpers

I know what the haters will say about putting myself here. The fact of the matter is, I believe my team is better equipped for the playoffs if I can get past Con's team this week with a couple of bad matchups.

4. Fight'n GameCucks

This is the team that will chirp the most about my own ranking. While I like the Cucks and will be worried about playing anyone in this Bracket, the loss of Nico, the gimpy Walker, and the deterioration of Addison and Wilson makes me less worried to play than some. That being said, he is capable of going all the way and his team can go off for 200 points any week.

5. Screamin' Mean QUEEN

She's so sexy when she's angry. She will get hot for my putting her here. With Diggs underperforming, Hill limited this week and CJ Stroud in protocol it is less about the team as a whole and more about the circumstance he finds himself in going into the playoffs.

6. Le Squirtlocker

Squirtlocker is on a losing streak heading into the playoffs. While he did have a scheduled loss in there, his team has shown a lack of upside over the past 2 weeks. On top of that, Geno seems to be battling a real injury, Jamar has a backup QB, and he's starting two TEs every week. A lot of pieces have to swing the right way to make it all work out.


Toilet Bowl Bracket

1.Purdy Cheeks

Alas, the outside looking in. The former league champ will be short-lived in the Toilet Bowl and, in all likelihood, will end up in 7th. I do believe if he snuck into the playoff picture he would be making a run at the ship.

2.Minshew Mania

Alas, the outside looking in. While he is in the Toilet Bowl, I don't believe he stays long. His team has had ups and downs but has been on the verge of talent the whole year. I do believe he has the best chance at 8th.

3. GR Trash Pandas

I've been saying it all season, I don't hate this team. I like it significantly less without Devonta Smith, but I think he's got a real shot at not losing out!

4. Hurts Hill & Johnson LLC

The last three teams are hard to order. I do believe Eric might have an alright chance at not losing out? He has Hurts, Olave, and Hill which I believe may give him a week.

5. Daddy

Mediocracy across the board. Plus, now they are without Justin Herbert - not that he has been doing much the past couple of weeks. Raachad White and maybe Noah Brown without competition lead him to a narrow escape from the TB.

6. Fuck Chris Spray

Oh, buddy. I hope your RB and Drake London fight hard for you.


Jeers and Tears

Jeers



1.Milky Cream Dream Team sneaks in despite a loss!

2. Despite a 3 game losing streak, Le Squirtlocker did enough to hopefully not be eliminated in the first round.

3. Minshew Mania a huge victory over the #1 seed!

4. GR Trash Pandas are no longer in last place!


Tears


  1. Despite the large victory for Minshew Mania, it made no difference, nor did it mean anything but Pete in 1st.

  2. Pete ended up in 1st.

  3. All Purdy Cheeks needed was 15 points from Waddle, and he got hurt on the first play.



Pete's Pecker

Twas the night before the night and all through the league

Not a creature was stirring, not even a Dean

The points for were posted for all boys to see In the hopes that they’d make it like little boy cream


The men were all anxious and stirred in their beds

While visions of beating Pete ran through their heads

Scumps with his blog and Beef with his Busch

Had just settled down for a last-second push


When out came the rankings there rose such a clatter

Uncle Crut didn’t wake because his season was tattered

Away to the chat to talk shit and bash

Petey was 1 and he proudly wore his sash

Old Brycey was sad his hopes melted like snow

He joined the 6 losers in the shitty toilet bowl.


The top 6 were hopeful their chances appeared

Except for Old Sowell, he was shaking with fear

Brandon was happy so lively and quick

His road is easy just beat on old Nick


More rapidly than Eagles, his optimism it came

And he whistled and he shouted and he called them by name

"On Creamy, on Deanie, on Petey and Nick,

On squirty, that’s all I have to beat like jelly on dick!

To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall Now, dash away, dash away, dash away all!"


As Thursday approaches some will be happy others nye,

When they meet to an obstacle mount to the sky

So we all shouted and sang and exclaimed with great might

Happy playoffs to all and to all a goodnight!


Path to the Playoffs

Question: How do you feel about your chances to make it to the 'ship given your position in the bracket?


Branden: The Hiff Clangers have a 1/4 chance of winning it all… scratch that 1/3 chance of winning it all because we all know Pete ain’t winning shit. Clangers need to just go out there and do their job and we’ll be fine. Bye week is huge to let some people get healthy and make one last push. #ClangGang


Nick S: My position is as good as anyone else’s, just hoping my team is able to not shit the bed for the next couple of weeks (which I'm not too optimistic about). Won’t be super mad if I lose to Dean though, he probably has a better chance of beating Pete which is the real goal here.


Pete: Respect to all the teams in the bracket, I think Brando has a much harder road than me. Cream and Scumps are way more dangerous than what I have ahead. Dean recently was on a 5 game win streak and Nick Sowell is incompetent. I give myself about 86% to make the championship.


Nick V: I truly believe our side of the bracket is the harder side to play on. The first week will be a tough matchup against Con. We have some tough player matchups this week. I think whoever comes out of this side will be the champ.


Commissioner Spray: Well listen I can't speak much to this right now, let's just leave it at this. "I am happy to be here, I deserve to be here, and there are a few people here that do not deserve to be here." Make sure to get that last bit there. You did? Okay great, I have to go I have a meeting.


Conor: First off, I would like to say thank you to Jaylen Waddle and the rest of the Purdy

Cheeks. I wouldn’t be here without your crushing loss last week. I’ll accept this as reparation for last year’s cardiac arrest championship. Back in the playoffs again, I have 100% confidence in reaching the championship. I’ve got JJeff back (maybe), Josh Allen is looking extra thick lately, and my sweet Puka has revitalized old man Stafford. The Milky Cream team is back in Dreamy form.


Toilet Bowl Betting

Ziggy Zach (former champ) is a +50 favorite against Joe's Daddy. With Christian McCaffery, a potent WR core, and Purdy playing MVP Caliber football, I'm taking Purdy Cheeks against the spread. This is a revenge tour for Zach, and I believe he will show the league why he deserved the 6th place spot over the next couple of weeks. You can Parlay this with McCaffery over on his projected point total


Guest Matchup Picker: Conor from Milky Cream Dream Team

(1) Fight’n GameCucks Vs. Self-Destruction (Bye)

After a season shockingly devoid of any public scandals, the Cucks snagged a regular

season dub and a first-round bye. Was it waiver-wire skill? Masterful drafting? Having

the least points scored against them in the whole league? Who can say? Now they can

relax and prepare for fucking it all up next week.

Pick: Cucks lose in a blowout loss to anxiety


Fight'n GameCucks Vs. Self-Destruction

  • Fight'n GameCucks

  • Self-Destruction


(2) Hiff Clangers v. My Prayers for His Downfall (Bye)

A regular season 10 - 3 juggernaut, the Hiff Clangers ended the season with an upset

loss to Minshew Mania and a brutal overtaking by the Fight’n GameCucks to lose the 1

seed. However, this week 14 double-dicking by the Maurer clan pales in comparison to

the miles of dick the Clanger has given their cousin.

Pick: Hiff Clangers win as 100% of his team stays perfectly healthy and

none of my prayers are answered for our next round match-up


Hiff Clangers Vs. Downfall

  • Hiff Clangers

  • Downfall


(4) Le Squirtlocker Vs. (5) Screamin Mean QUEEN

It appears the mean queen does scream. The lockers, however, definitely do not squirt.

A strong last-second push on Monday night gives the Queens a playoff berth and a

cupcake matchup in round 1. The Squirts are coming off 3 straight losses to end the

regular season, have the lowest-scoring team in the playoffs, and most notably have soft

white-collar hands.

Pick: The commish wins 145.22 - 115.46 and Le Squirtlocker claims corruption


Le Squirtlocker Vs. Screamin' Mean Queen

  • 0%Le Squirtlocker

  • 0%Screamin' Mean Queen



🌟GOTW: (3) Scumper’s Thumpers v. (6) Milky Cream Dream Team

The record between our teams stands at 1 - 1 on the season and last week’s Thumpers

win against my Dream Team almost booted me from the playoffs. Now, the Fantasy gods

have rewarded me with an immediate rematch to exact my revenge. Ali v. Frazier, Jesus

v. Masturbation, Chris v. 6mg Zyn. This matchup will join the ranks of these historic

battles.

Pick: Milky Cream Dream Team wins 162.13 - 149.45 in an epic conclusion to this rivalry


Milky Cream Dream Team Vs. Scumper's Thumpers

  • 0%Milky Cream Dream Team

  • 0%Scumper's Thumpers


(12) Fuck Chris Spray v. The Grieving Process (Bye)

The Fuck Chirs Spray’s ended the regular season in last place, a 4 - 10 record, and a

toilet bowl round 1 bye. As the PooPoo PeePee Team of The Year, they did worse than a

team that auto-drafted all tight ends and Steelers players. How is that even possible?

Pick: Fuck Chris Spray wins as they move from the denial stage to anger


Fuck Chris Spray Vs. The Grieving Process

  • Fuck Chris Spray

  • The Grieving Process


(11) Uncle Crut v. Home Sweet Toilet Bowl (Bye)

An absolute classic season from Uncle Crut. Drafted Travis Kelce in round 1 and then

auto-drafted the rest of the team. Several questionable trades. A birth in the toilet bowl.

Their consistency is unmatched.

Pick: Uncle Crut loses and continues their familiar swirly to the next round.


Uncle Crut Vs. Toilet Bowl

  • Uncle Crut

  • Toilet Bowl


(8) Minshew Mania v. (9) Hurts Hill & Johnson LLC

The late-season push and aggressive trades from Minshew Mania weren’t enough to

save them from being flushed. Fortunately, they still got to enjoy a great season of MSU

football. Hurts Hill & Johnson were saved by a week 14 win to narrowly avoid last place

after arguably the worst draft in the league to start the season. Milk wants a Penei

Sewell jersey so start saving up.

Pick: Minshew Mania wins 123.09 - 123.08 and stops complaining about the toilet bowl

punishment


Minshew Mania Vs. Hurts Hill & Johnson LLC

  • Minshew Mania

  • Hurts Hill & Johnson LLC


(7) Purdy Cheeks v. (10) Daddy

The Purdy Cheeks now sit on the coldest of Toilet Bowl seats after a last-minute

overtaking by the Screamin Mean Queens. A valiant effort by last year’s champions and

they now get a chance to take out their anger on the league’s new guy. Daddy’s

inaugural season ended with the lowest total points scored of any team in the regular

season and were rewarded with a well-deserved spot in the potty. They’re my pick to get

flushed all the way down to the finals.

Pick: Purdy Cheeks win 165.66 - 71.85 and Daddy learns the importance of not having

their friend draft for them


Purdy Cheeks Vs. Daddy

  • Purdy Cheeks

  • Daddy


All Time Guest Picker Rankings

1.Branden Knorr (6-0)

2. Peter Maurer - (5-1)

3. Ryan Beadle (4-2)

4. Zach Montague - (3-3)

4. Crit Maurer (3-3)

5. Bryce Maurer (3-3)

6. Nick Sowell - (2-4)

6. Joe Bourbeau - (2-4)


League Rumors and Conspiracies

  • If Branden wins he wants to "reinvest" his winnings into a parlay.

  • Bryce told Allyson he's in the Playoffs so he can stay in the league next year.

  • Uncle Crut and Eric are working on a Christmas album.

  • Commish is renting out the Penthouse of Rocket Mortgage for the league banquet.

Fantasy Football Memes of the Week


POV YOU DIDN'T MAKE THE PLAYOFFS:





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