Morning Huddle
Director: Right there, beautiful, and 3, 2, 1....
Clip guy claps the film thing
Actor: Hi I'm - cough
Director: CUT!
The director rolls his eyes and takes a sip of his coffee, breathes deeply, and smiles.
Don't worry let's do it again.
He smiles gently
Director: Okay, 3,2, and -
Clap
Actor: Hi I'm, I'm...
The actor freezes and stares deep into the camera.
Director: (Whispering) What is he doing? (Then aloud) Okay cut, cut!
Actor: I'm sorry, I don't know what has gotten into me.
The director pats him on the back
Director: Okay. Let's change it up, and start with something else.
Then.
Director: Again, in 3, 2, 1
Actor: Hello, I'm - I'm
he starts to cry.
Director: (To the people around him) Fuck, me. No one told me he was a crier. Keep rolling let's see if I can get it out of him.
The director gets out of his seat and approaches the actor.
Director: What is the deal?
Actor: Continues to cry
Director: Jesus lord. Someone get me a different -
Actor: I'm sorry - I just - I just never thought I'd be a - a
Director: A what?
Actor: A - A Clown!
white and red makeup dripped down his face.
Director: rubs the back of his head in frustration, sobs coming from next to him.
You're an embarrassment. Look at you, look at where you're at. You're 10x further than any clown that has ever come. You're looking into a camera about to do your best act. This is no time to feel sorry for yourself. You fancy yourself the best for goodness sake, act like it! Sure, a clown is a clown. But - look I don't know what to tell you - I don't know where I'm going with this. But - just, just, believe in yourself.
Clown (Actor): sniffles begin to clear You mean it?
Director: I do, why don't we do another take?
Clown: I'd like that.
The director walks back behind the camera, the director starts his countdown. The clown stands ready for his moment.
Director: Ready in 3...
The clown thinks about his makeup dripping down his face.
Director: 2...
The clown repeats In his head, "I'm a winner, I'm a winner, I'm a..."
Director: 1...
The clown thinks about his week one loss.
The Clown: Hi, I'm a winner and in the first round I drafted...
He begins to cry again.
Commissioners Corner
Hello everyone.
Welcome to week two! We had a lot of low-scoring squads in week 1. I’m not sure what’s worse at this point, Pete's entire team or Christian and Squirt's WR locker combined.Â
If anything, my feelings are… apprehensive. It's going to be an injury-prone season. If I had bets? A. Jones - out on account of being a washed-up old slag, Pacheco - because of The Bryce curse and Rhamondre - due to the fact that nothing can be that perfect.Â
Sorry, for the attitude and bad blessings, you try having Scumps hitting you up every two minutes for a commissioner's corner and you might lose your head. Today I started thinking about all the ways I could strangle him with a deflated football.Â
Anyway some good news: Dean, Beads & Daddy are all at locks prior to Monday night week 1, very nice work gents. I think that there is much room to grow for the folks without a lock, my predictions for week two are we see Daddy maintain, Zach step up, as well as Scumps step up.Â
Hope everyone has a really nice week at work! Much love.Â
Cheers,
Commish Chris
Tears and Jeers
Tears
"I am really fucked this year, huh?" - Christian Maurer
"Imagine having white as your starting running back and Mattison scores first" - Ziggy Zach
"Fuck you Bryce Young running it in for a 1 yard touchdown" - Penis Maurer
"Did Justin Jefferson miss the plane?" - Ryan Beadle
Jeers
"SKOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CATS SCRATCHEM" - Nick Sowell
"Daddy's team is weally scawy" - Commissioner Spray
"Brando might be the biggest shamwow full of cum in the league so far." - Commissioner Spray
"Brando is hotter" - Me
"Sam Darnold looking great... proud of him." - Nick Sowell
Power Rankings
| Highest points scored show that Daddy is the team to beat after week one. |
2. Heading for the Hills (+4) | Heading for the Hills jumps up 4 spots because of Saquon and Tyreek. That will be a deadly combo. If he can get a trade for a QB he will be top of the polls. |
3. Screamin Mean Dean (+7) | Solid week for the Deans. Mixon looks solid and Nico and Lamb will just get better throughout the year. He has two solid QBs |
4. Fuck Chris Spray (-2) | While it wasn't the best week, Fuck Chris Spray has better days ahead. I don't think Tank Dell and Amon Ra are below 10 points regularly throughout the year, if anything, this week showed a potential boom/bust team. |
5. Milky Cream Dream Team (+4) | Solid week for Milky Cream. Jackson looks great and Jonathon Taylor had 2 goalline carries that were stuffed. If those get in, we are talking about a different outcome for Milky. |
6. Scumper's Thumpers (-) | I didn't move. I feel like I have a potentially high upside roster. However, with my QB2 in question and Drake London and Swift having terrible performances. It'll be hard to gauge where we land. |
7. Le Squirtlocker (-4) | Squirtlocker's QBs look great. He did leave some points on his bench but his WRs will be very fluctulent. If they can be consistent he will rise in the rankings. |
8. Pacheck it Out (-3) | Jayden Reed is the highlight of this week of a roster that greatly underperformed. Chase will not be held to just 10 points consistently and the rust will bump off of Burrow. For now, 8 works. |
9. Hiff Clangers (-5) | I like the roster of upside. However, Nabers will continue to struggle with bad QB play. Pickens looked good but with a heavy run scheme, it's hard to see a path to a top WR. Add this to a QB injury, it might hurt the rest of the season. |
10. Diggs 4 Puka Shells (+1) | Diggs, Robinson, and Jacobs will hold this team to a higher standard. I do think the potential is there for Keon. |
11. Fight'n GameCucks (-3) | The GameCucks had a terrible outing. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. |
12. Personal Fowls (-) | Sorry Bud. |
Pete's Pecker
Depending on CMC tonight I will either go 4-2 or 5-1 on my picks last week, with that being said hand up on the Travis Hunter anytime, don’t bet that when they play an actual good team.
College
-Anytime - Travis Hunter
Insight: read above, CSU is not as good at CU, Travis is gonna be play like a man on fire trying to get revenge on those Rams after the illegal hit on him last year.
-Spread - Maryland -2.5
Insight: Maryland has a solid QB with Billy Edward’s jr and I think they beat virgins by 7 at a minimum.
-ML - Missouri
Insight: Missouri might be the 2nd best team in the SEC (fuck you I think so) BC beat a bad FSU team and got ranked, good luck BC cuz ELI is going to pump you.
NFL
-Anytime: JK Dobbins
Insight: pending he stays healthy we will see a JK Dobbins who we thought he would be, harbs likes good old fashioned fuck you football and Jk scores again. I’m seeing him as a Corum for the 2023 national champions! Sing the fight song, Eric!
-Spread: Dallas -6.5
Insight - The defense might be a powerhouse again and the offense can score points, easy peasy.
-ML: Chargers
Insight- the Panthers blow.
Crit's Thoughts
You all mocked me for taking David Montgomery, well who’s laughing now you cucks? Places 12-2 are up in the air. Congrats to Joey B for already having the championship locked up. Get fucked Commissioner. Fix these low-scoring games.
Guest Picker: Molly Rider - Vichinsky
Daddy V. Milky Cream Dream Team
Ew. I already like Joe's team better because Milky Cream Dream Team is a gross name. I like AJ Brown because he's scary and wears pink cleats for his daughter. I don't like Travis Kelce because I think Taylor Swift is annoying. I know who DJ Moore is. Overall, I guess I am picking Joe.
Daddy V. Milky Cream Dream Team
0%Daddy
0%Milky Cream Dream Team
Pacheck It Out! V. Diggs 4 Puka Shells
I already like Diggs 4 Puka Shells because of his name. I really don't like Joe Burrow because he is on a football team with Cody Ford and he's a cheater... and his bleached hair is gross. But on a positive note I know who Isaiah Pacheco is. Even though I hate George Kittle, I like Diggs 4 Puka Shells because he has two good QBs.
Pacheck It Out! V. Diggs 4 Puka Shells
0%Pacheck It Out!
0%Diggs 4 Puka Shells
The Personal Fowls V. Hiff Clangers
Hiff Clangers. I don't like Patrick Mahomes. He sounds like kermit and his wife is annoying.
The Personal Fowls V. Hiff Clangers
0%The Personal Fowls
0%Hiff Clangers
Fuck Chris Spray V. Le Squirtlocker
I like Fuck Chris Spray because the only player I really know is Amon Ra St. Brown and I like him, and his girlfriend is cute. I also like his team name.
Fuck Chris Spray V. Le Squirtlocker
0%Fuck Chris Spray
0%Le Squirtlocker
Fight'n Gamecucks V. Headed for the Hills
Outwardly, I would say Pete's gonna win because Davante Adams is a prissy diva if he doesn't get the ball thrown to him every play. I also like Dak Prescott because he's good. But cheaters never prosper - so Zach will win.
Fight'n GameCucks V. Headed for the Hills
0%Fight'n GameCucks
0%Headed 4 the Hills
🌟GotW: Scumper's Thumpers V. Screamin' Mean Dean
I would wear the earrings Jalen Hurts wears, so I already give Nick the upper hand. Deebo seems like a good guy so he deserves a win. Nick is also obsessed with fantasy football, so I would hope he wins. I'd be embarassed if he lost because he likes fantasy more than me.
Scumper's Thumpers V. Screamin' Mean Queen
0%Scumper's Thumpers
0%Screamin' Mean Queen
Picker Ranking
Nick Vichinsky (4-1)
Fantasy Meme of the Week
Nice