Newsletter Week Three

Morning Huddle

"And now, a moment of silence for the fallen."

Thunder crackles and rain falls from the dense clouds. The only sound you can hear is the pats of rain on the black umbrellas. No one looks up from above their brow. Just sniflles. Sniffles that are trying to be held in because they're men. The pastor sees this. They're only boys, he thinks. He takes his hat off and holds it in front of him with both hands.

"Thank you," he says with a faint smile that none of them see. His suit jacket has been soaked, his thin white hair lay flat on his forehead. He walks in puddles toward them. To each of them he whispers a prayer. One by one down the line, Cooper Kupp, Tua, Joe Mixon, Isaiah Pacheco, Christian McCaffery, Kennan Allen, Amon Ra St. Brown, Justin Jefferson, Kenneth Walker, Jordan Love, AJ Brown. In repetition. When he was done, the sun peaked out from behind the dark clouds.

The pastor looked up. He smiled.

"May you look down upon your teams like good angels."

The boys sobbed.

Commissioner's Corner

Wind whips through the halls with an eery whistle as the storm clouds roll in above NFFL castle. The man in black, gimp-limping down the hall lets out a grunt as he heaves his bag across the damp stone. Panting, the razor-sharp edges of the staircase stop him in his tracks. Adjusting the neck of the bag on his shoulder, he glances back at the bag which, in the dark, looks like a spotted cow from the dark wet splotches.

A high-toned, shattering laugh ripples the silence, startling the man in black. Eyes somewhat adjusted to the dark from the winding lamp-less hallways he took to arrive at the throne room, he glances around, quickly landing on the scene at the throne itself.

The piercing cackle, he realized, was produced by what looked to be a jester of sorts, hunched behind the old king, who was slumped to one side of his chair. Letting his head lean back to let out a quick shriek, the man watched the almost inhuman creature then continue to whip his head around the back of the chair - stopping when his mouth hovered just behind the king's ear. The man in black strained to make out the words, streaming out of the crooked mouth in a whisper. 

"My king I have brought what you have asked" said the man, pausing for response. 

The whispering ceased, and as the man looked to where the snarling lips had just hovered, inches from the king there was darkness. 

A sharp pinch on the back of his left leg sprung him to action, letting the open end of the bag drop to the ground. As he stepped back, almost tripping over the now recognizable 'Wit', he cursed at the creature. 

"Seven hells wit, why must you play these games?"

A shriek, "GAMES?? GAMES!! A boy plays no games, a boy... plays with TOYS. What have you brought me, oh powerful Knight 'Locker?"

"I told you not to call me that in these halls" the man in black hissed.

Cackling, Wit kicks at the bag, looking up at the king with a smile before kneeling, smelling the wet cloth.

"I will never understand why you send me to bring you such... trivial common men. A waste of my talent, in all due respect your liege"

The man looked up towards the King. Was he even there? Glancing at Wit, whose backside stuck out of the bag as he dove through his goods like a child for apples, he started up the stairs. Cautiously approaching the King, the full picture came into view. Midst realization, the man in black removed his helm with a gasp, rushing towards the King to grab his arm. 

"My liege!"

The king's skin seemed to peel from his very bones, the only muscle left on his body in his eye sockets. 

"hhhhh" said the king. 

"What was that?

"hhhhhhw" again.

The man in black lowered to look the king dead in the eyes.

"Hiff, it's me. What has the monster done to you" rage fills him from the inside.

"Knight Squir..." a breathy name

"Yes your liege, it is I."

"hhhhhW" a breathe

"WIT!!! The king's eyes widened by a pen's width with their remaining strength. 

A screech and clattering below the stairs made Sir Squirt twist his head to look at Wit. With horror, the bag now splayed open, the Knight realized the throne room was now littered with the heads of the common men. Their eyes seemingly all pointed at him, their mouths still seemed to shape the words that had been echoing in his head all night. 

Was it worth the cost, knight? All for what... my prince. Why must you take the weak?

In his stupor, the Knight had barely noticed Wit slither his hand in his pants, and it was too late as the creature gripped it, and ripped it. 

End of Part 1

Stupid boys, playing stupid games. As I seemed to have jinxed us all last week, the injury plague just continues to strike at a heavy quip. My bad, but also the feeling hasn't gone away, meaning week three will only get worse - so sorry.

If you didn't pick up on it from part one of our Knights tale, don't fall for the voodoo trading of the Cucks this week for Christ sake.

Shout out Nick V for a great matchup this week, whoever wins is a cunt.

My Week three badass bitches are Beadle, Cream, and Daddy. Zach and I have a tough matchup.

Good luck this week, slagerellas.  

Cheers,

Cummish

Tears and Jeers

Tears

1. "God if only we had two IR Spots for Pete." - Chris Spray

2. "Geez not the fingers again." - Branden

3. "Your team is as stinky as Nick Sowell's penis" - Pete

4. "My dick smells like bleach, thanks." - Nick Sowell

   
   

Jeers

1. "Bang" - Ryan Beadle

2. "Shut the fuck up I don't even care about fantasy football" - Peter

3. "Alvin looked like he did 4 years ago today." - Eric

4. "Crit scoring 140 with 3 really bad receiver performances is a little scary." - Ryan

5. "I may never win a fantasy football game again." - Peter

6. GOAL: 40 yards, 1 timeout, and 33 seconds... CHALLENGE: Jared Goff is your QB.

Power Rankings

1. Heading for the Hills (+1)	Another spot up for the old sport. A great week's performance shows consistency in their rise.
2. Daddy (-1)	Unfortunately, Daddy had a bad week but he will be back. He hasn't dealt with an injury yet.
3. Fuck Peter Harlan Mau (+1)	Solid week for Beads Squad. With Walker coming back, it looks good for them.
4. Milky Cream Dream Team (+1)	Again, with no injuries on this roster and a rising star in Jamo, Con's squad keeps rising in the power rankings.
5. Pacheck it out! (+3)	While his team name player got hurt, I still believe there is enough there to make a difference. Kamara keeps rolling and Jamar gets on the high horse, he will be fine.
6. Diggs 4 Puka Shells (+4)	Big jump for Unc. After a great performance, and some injuries to other teams, Unc looks like he's in the race.
7. S Q U I R T L O C K E R(-)	Squirtlocker remains stationary this week. he didn't lose any pieces but he still lacks upside.
8. Scumper's Thumpers (-2)	Despite a squeaked-out win, the next two weeks (at a minimum) look rough with injuries.
9. Screamin' Mean Dean (-6)	Farthest drop of the week. He lost and he is missing Tua, Mixon, and he's starting Zack Moss and Alec Pierce.
10. Hiff Clangers (-1)	I think this team gets considerably better with Love. I also really think that Wilson will be on the rise.
11. The Not Total shit Fowls (+1)	Not in last place! His team showed some much-needed upside!
12. The Whittakers (-1)	I'm not sure there's an upside right now.

Pete's Pecker

if you are keeping track at home Peter’s Peckers are 9-3 this season, mainn reason is I’m giving these bets and not betting myself. If you know anything about me with picking and then not betting you may want to jump on board

College

-Anytime - Travis Hunter

Insight: Dude is the best player in college football, pure electricity. When Colorado

goes against another dog shit team you put the house on Travis anytime.

-Spread - USC -5.5

Insight: just like the Texas game, Michigan will give up big plays to a high powered

USC offense, once that happens the spread is a lock

-ML - BYU

Insight: KSU looks good but beatable, going into BYU will be a challenge and I have the

Cougs winning this

NFL

-Anytime: Alvin Kamara

Insight: Hello, 2017? Yes, he’s back baby! Saints are gonna be in a fight with the gang green and the only way they fight is for Alvin to go off!

-Spread: Packers +3

Insight: Will Levis is a doofus.

-ML: Raiders

Insight: the Panthers blow.

The Parlay

- +1291 minus the anytimes, once those are added in you are looking at around $5 paying out to $125.

LETS RIDE

Crit's Thoughts

Many of you are feeling a sort of emptiness and hopelessness after this week, something you’re not used to. I want you to know, that as someone that experiences those emotions most every week of the season. Your suffering makes me extremely happy. Pete’s team is in shambles and I’ve never been happier. Now I make a plea with Commish Crooked Dean Biden, it’s time to get rid of the IR slot. Nobody needs it. We should all suffer with our players. I want us all miserable, and I will not stop my campaign until I see some progress in that department. Also Marvin Harrison Jr, I love you.

Guest Picker: Stephen Pepps (Crits Friend I think?)

The Not Total Shit Fowls Vs. S Q U I R T L O C K E R

The not total shit for… because J cook sounds like that’s my brother-in-law and you got to support family.

The Not Total Shit Fowls Vs. S Q U I R T L O C K E R

• 0%The Not Total Shit Fowls
• 0%S Q U I R T L O C K E R

Scumper's Thumpers Vs Fight’n GameCucks

Fight n game cucks because D Swift, just sounds like Travis Kelce's name.

Scumper's Thumpers Vs. Fight'n GameCucks

• 0%Scumper's Thumpers
• 0%Fight'n GameCucks

Fuck Peter Harlan Mau Vs Hiff Clangers

Fuck Peter Harlan Maurer.. need I say more?

Fuck Peter Harlan Mau Vs. Hiff Clangers

• 0%Fuck Peter Harlan Mau
• 0%Hiff Clangers

Screamin Queen Dean Vs Heading for the Hills

Heading Heading for the hills just on numbers alone.

Screamin' Mean Queen Vs. Heading for the Hills

• 0%Screamin' Mean Queen
• 0%Heading for the Hills

Pacheck It Out Vs Milky Cream Dream Team

Pacheck it out because l Pacheco sounds like the nickname for Checko Perez, the Mexican F1 driver.

Pacheck It Out Vs. Milky Cream Dream Team

• 0%Pacheck It Out
• 0%Milky Cream Dream Team

Diggs 4 Puka Shells Vs. Daddy

Diggs 4 puka shells @papadrake37…. He might be Greek so give him a shot

Diggs 4 Puka Shells Vs. Daddy

• 0%Diggs 4 Puka Shells
• 0%Daddy

Reading these picks made me feel like this...

Fantasy Meme of the Week