Morning Huddle
Snow fell heavy upon the hill. The reflection of lanterns on the snow reflected heavily on visitors but they were not welcomed. The dark house creaked loudly in the howl of the wind. From inside a dry cough. Persistent through the howl, a mumble would come.
”They forgot about me”
He rocks rubbing his hands up and down his arms as if he’s cold. He hears now an echo. He laughs.
“You don’t -“ he coughs and then silently laughs again, “you don’t know.”
He looks around at the old beauty of the house. Beauty now broken. He resonates with this. He rubs snot off his running nose and sniffles and takes a swig of his liquor.
He hears a flutter and a crack and looks up. A bird.
“Fuck”
He pulled himself up to check the window but the wooden panes were already closed.
He coughs and laughs to himself. Before looking back up. He smiles.
“Well, I never invited a guest”
It stared back. The man’s smart smile turned to a frown.
“Do you mock me?”
The bird cocks its head.
He gets frustrated by its lack of response, its superiority.
“Ahhh I know why you’re here, you’re here to take me.” The man sits and stares, clearing his throat. “Well, I’m ready when you are.”
The bird cleans itself.
The man takes a drink and throws the bottle, shattering it.
The bird squawks and changes rafters.
“I’m cursed.” Says the man. A tear drips down his cheek.
“Evermore - SQUAWK”
“It talks!”
“Evermore”
“What have you say?”
The bird cocks its head.
"Do you sit and remind me of the pain of my loss?"
As if by excitement the bird says, “EVERMORE!”
“NOOOOO! Leave me be!”
The bird flies to the window, now opening and slamming shut with the wind. It stares back.
A tear is in the man’s eye, and he shakes.
“Am I always going to be in pain over - over -“ he coughs hard, he drops to his knees.
“Fantasy?” He finally continues.
The bird looks out the window. And, as if with pain, it looks down at its feet.
“Evermore.”
It flutters off. The wind howling. The man crying and coughing and weak.
Commissioners Corner
Tuesday Morning and rain is falling.
Not to sound dramatic, but I feel like I’ve just been hit by two super intense hurricanes in a row.
It’s just non stop storm fronts. Can’t catch a break.
The only things keeping me going are Brandon Knorr not winning a single game, and being ahead of Scumps still at the time of writing this.
If Scumps wins this week which is looking likely, then I’ll only have BKnorr to hold on to.
Next week I’ll be cheering for Peter which is rare, but desperation calls.
Good-day, and in the most respectful and demure way possible: fuck fantasy football.
Commish
Tears and Jeers
Tears
"Brother, I am concerned. You're starting to sound like me." - Crit
"Dude I know nothing about fantasy football but I do know how to pick a good tight end or two" - Crit
"Beef lol you fucking beat me are you trying to play mind games?" - Peter
"Damnit Flacco... have another kid. Leave me alone." - Joe
Jeers
"Dean, you have been invited to kiss my ass you soy boy beta cuck" - Crit
"May not have gotten a win this weekend but next week, I feel it... Especially after seeing I play Peter." -BKnorr
"#StandwithBrando" - Eric
Power Rankings
1. Fuck Peter Harlan Mau (-) | At this point, they are my clear favorite to win the trophy. |
2. Milky Cream Dream Team (+4) | An impressive week with the bye weeks and the injuries. |
3. Pacheck it Out (+1) | Bryce's team keeps showing out. Keep it up out there amigo! |
3. Heading for the Hills (-2) | Zach's loss is just the start. He has one of the lowest points against and lowest points for. That being said, he keeps winning games so he's here. |
5. Scumper's Thumpers (+5) | I can hear the biases now. I have the 3rd most points for in comparison to THE MOST points against. Coop comes back next week. Stock up, fuckers... and you know what, while I'm at it, I make the newsletter fuckers... I can do whatever I want. THE MEDIA CONTROLS ALL. |
6. Daddy (-3) | A tough loss after a solid performance, Daddy is expecting AJ Brown back. |
7. Diggs 4 Puka Shells (+1) | Diggs 4 Puka Shells keeps proving me wrong. If his WRs and Baker keep performing he will be in good shape. |
8. Squirtin' Manning (-4) | I still don't hate his team. Rice is obviously missed but I think he will make a run at the playoffs. |
9. Screamin' Mean Dean (+1) | I think Dean's team is not a 1-3 team. He has 2 top-10 receivers and 3 top-10 running backs. His QBs and start-sit decisions kill him. |
10. The Whittakers (-3) | It's boom or bust for ole Petey. |
11. The Not Total Shit Fowls (-) | His team is not total shit but... |
12. Hiff Clangers (-) | :( |
Pete’s Pecker
1-5 on the week, I quit
Crit’s Thoughts
Who the fuck is actually good this year?
Guest Picker: Shane Gillis (Comedian)
Heading for the Hills Vs. Milky Cream Dream Team
Alright, this matchup is lookin’ like a close one. Heading for the Hills is sitting comfy with that 60% win chance, but they’re rollin’ with Daniel Jones, which is like playing Russian roulette — dude’s either a hero or he’s running around like someone just stole his lunch. Saquon Barkley is the real meat here, though, and even with Devonta Smith and Davante Adams out, James Conner should grind out some points. They’re a little weak at tight end with Zach Ertz on a bye, but I still like their chances to squeak by.
*Milky Cream Dreams is banking on Lamar Jackson doing Lamar things, which is always a cheat code. But the RBs? Dowdle and White sound like a law firm, and not a good one. WRs Shaheed and Zay Flowers could be sneaky good, but man, if Diontae Johnson wakes up, this could get interesting. Still, I gotta give it to Heading for the Hills — Barkley and the rest of the crew should grind this one out, but if Lamar goes full superhero, who knows? Could be chaos.
Heading for the Hills Vs. Milky Cream Dream Team
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Not the Total Shit Fowls Vs. Daddy
Alright, so we got The Not Total Shit Fs* vs Daddy — both sittin’ at 2-3, just tryin’ to stay alive out here. The Not Total Shit Fs* are rockin’ Kyler Murray at QB, which, let’s be honest, feels like ordering a steak and getting a salad. Dude’s either a highlight reel or just out there running for his life. James Cook is solid at RB, but Aaron Jones being on a bye? That hurts. WRs Michael Wilson and Jakobi Meyers? Yeah, they’re like going to a comedy show and hoping someone’s funny — could work, could bomb.
Now Daddy… if Josh Allen plays, man, game over. Dude’s a tank with an arm. Rhamondre Stevenson? He’s been hittin’ like a lukewarm beer — you know, you drink it, but you don’t love it. WRs Chris Godwin and D.J. Moore are sneaky good though, and Dallas Goedert at TE? That guy might quietly drop points while no one’s watching. Honestly, if Josh Allen is good to go, Daddy’s got this. The WRs are lookin’ too sharp, and Kyler can’t carry all that dead weight for The Not Total Shit Fs*.
Not the Total Shit Fowls Vs. Daddy
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Squirtin’ Manning Vs. Screamin’ Mean Dean
Alright, we got Squirtn’ Manning vs Screamin Queen Demons — this one’s a matchup between a couple of bottom-dwellers, and honestly, both teams are desperate for a win. Squirtn’ Manning is trotting out J. Daniels at QB, which feels like rolling the dice on some backup hoping he’ll make it happen. Breece Hall and D’Andre Swift in the backfield? Those guys might be the saving grace, but you never know if they’ll pop off or just chill. D.K. Metcalf is solid at WR, and Chris Olave is that dude, but beyond that? Kinda sketchy.
Now Screamin Queen Demons got Derek Carr, but he’s questionable — which is basically Carr‘s default setting. If Jahmyr Gibbs goes off, that’ll help, but Joe Mixon being out is rough. CeeDee Lamb could drop a huge game, but Nico Collins is out too. Mike Gesicki at TE? I mean, alright… but Christian Kirk and Darnell Mooney gotta put in work to make this a game. Honestly, if Carr and Gibbs don’t show up, this might be ugly. I’m leanin’ toward Squirtn’ Manning here — unless CeeDee turns into a monster.
Squirtin' Manning Vs. Screamin' Mean Dean
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Fuck Peter Harlan May Vs. Pacheck it Out!
On one side, we got “Fuck Peter - Here We Go,” led by C.J. Stroud at QB. This dude’s been slinging it like he’s got a cannon for an arm. And then there’s Derrick Henry, the human bulldozer, ready to plow through defenses like they’re made of paper.
On the other side, “Pacheck it Out” is rolling with Joe Burrow, who’s got an arm like a rocket launcher. Plus, they’ve got A.J. Dillon, who’s basically a freight train in cleats.
This matchup’s tighter than a pair of skinny jeans on Santa Claus after Christmas dinner. Both teams are stacked, and it’s gonna be a nail-biter. So grab your snacks, keep an eye on those live updates, and get ready for one helluva fantasy football battle!
Fuck Peter Harlan Mau Vs. Pacheck it Out!
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The Whittakers Vs. Hiff Clangers
We got “The Whittakers” at 2-3 versus “Hiff Clangers” with that brutal 0-5 record. Listen, @Bknoor’s out here like a guy who lost his keys and can’t find his way to a win. Jordan Love’s slinging it for the Clangers, and you know he’s either gonna light up the field or throw it like he’s playing 500 with the defense. But Prescott? Dak feels like he’s auditioning for a cowboy movie, and not in a good way. @peteymau97’s got some shaky plays, but at least Kamara’s ready to carry the squad like he’s going for a Mardi Gras touchdown.
Now, D. Montgomery is a workhorse, but Najee’s been running like he’s stuck in quicksand. Hubbard’s got some potential, but Carolina’s about as reliable as a Wawa parking lot at 2 a.m. Mike Evans? That dude’s a beast—he’ll probably out-muscle half the defense in New Orleans. G. Wilson and Pickens are wildcards though. This one’s gonna be tight, but unless @Bknoor finds some magic, The Whittakers are looking like they’ll squeak it out.
The Whittakers Vs. Hiff Clangers
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Scumper's Thumpers Vs. Diggs 4 Puka Shells
“Scumper’s Thumper…” going up against “Diggs 4 Puka Shells”—and this is a classic mid-season scrap. Hurts is out here playing like he’s trying to be MVP, while Mayfield? Man, that guy’s just lucky to be on the field, playing like he’s still in those insurance commercials. Pollard is about to eat against the Colts, but B. Robinson’s got a good matchup too. It's like picking between two sandwiches: one’s hearty and reliable, the other might be spicier but riskier.
Then you got the wideouts—London’s got a question mark hanging over him, and Deebo Samuel might just break someone’s ankles in Seattle. But look out for Diggs; that dude is probably gonna go off, lighting up New England like he’s got a grudge. Tight end matchup? Andrews and Kittle both bang, but Kittle’s questionable, so that’s dicey. I’m leaning toward “Scumper’s Thumper…” taking this one, but @PapaDrake37’s team is scrappy enough to make it a real nail-biter.
Scumpers' Thumpers Vs. Diggs 4 Puka Shells
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Picker Rankings
1.Nick Vichinsky (5-1).
2.Rachel Prowse (4-2)
2.Allyson Maurer (4-2)
2.Molly Rider-Vichinsky (4-2)
2. Stephen Pepps (4-2)
Fantasy Meme of the Week
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