Morning Huddle
In the darkness of Footlandia sirens sound in the darkness of night. A figure, dressed in midnight blue, stands overseeing and hearing. A woman screams. His eyes shoot up and in a whisp, he is off.
~
Nicola, age 26 was walking from the movies at night. She liked going to the movies, escaping the reality of the world around her. She realized that in movies, usually, the good wins out. She smiles to herself at this thought. In Footlandia, there is no such truth. From the most recent muggings to the masked man running around - she did not know what to think. She clutched her purse. She sighed and a cold breath came out of her nose. She shivered.
"Hey Lady!" A gruff voice from behind her yelled. She kept walking.
"Hey! I'm talking to you!"
She starts to run.
She runs and runs as fast as she can.
The footsteps start to catch her.
She turns the corner and screams hoping for anyone to save her. Anyone to hear her. It's a dead end. She cowers now in the back.
"Don't move!" She says, "I have a gun!" She's bluffing.
The man smiles. "Shoot me then, I like them with a fight"
He runs at him again. She screams and closes her eyes.
But then, a woosh.
A thud and splat, thud and splat.
When she gets the courage to open her eyes, a cloaked figure stands there. She's shaking seeing the blood on the ground.
He turns to her and looks her in the eye.
"Who- who are you?"
"I'm NightCooper... I saved your life, Nicola"
Commissioner's Corner
Good morning or whatever time Scumps decides to send this,
I’m tired. Tired of praying for Branden to keep losing. Maybe I should focus on winning instead.
Scumps and Branden losing gives me the lifeblood of the great sandworm though, so probably gonna just keep rooting for that.
In other news tune in to America's game of the week in week 7: Knorr V Spray, revenge of the shit.
That’s all I got, fantasy is exhausting this year and Nick Sowell really made me mad tonight.
Time to go corral a Maurer,
Commish
Tears and Jeers
Tears
"Crit Maurer left the conversation." - IPhone
"Idk if I can go on like this... Nick Castellanos and I just have mysterious yet terrible powers." - Brando
"Yeah my brother killed himself because he kept taking TEs in the first round every year in fantasy football" - Pete
"You're hated because you're a douchbag trader" - Commish
Jeers
"Cracker of the day" - Eric
"Beef you should go as Daboll for Halloween" - Brando
"It's not my job to babysit Maurers all day, man" - Commish
Power Rankings by Branden Knorr
Team | Power Ranking of Team | What I would imagine your team would do or wear in a street fight |
Fuck Peter Harlan Mau | There can only be one atop the throne. Beef's team is a powerhouse, and they consistently dominate week in and week out. They're well-deserving of the #1 spot as they are well built and in good health. (Previous ranking - 1) | I imagine they are all wearing black Air Force Ones on this belt to ass tour and if you have anything that catches their eye you might as well just set it down and walk away slowly. Nevermind they are coming for you... RUN. |
Milky Cream Dream Team | Don't people always say, "The Cream will always rise to the top"? Con's team was definitely in consideration for the top spot, and that could change next week if he continues to put up solid performances. He'll benefit from his injured running backs returning. (Previous ranking - 2) | The Cream Team would show up to the fight, but probably not partake unless provoked. Once engaged I feel the Cream Team members turn into jujitsu black belts and violently, yet quietly put you to sleep. Very demure. |
Diggs 4 Puka Shells | Ric is having a great year so far racking up points and stacking up wins. I think his roster is definitely built to win with good players all around. This team gets even more dangerous with Puka returning sometime this season. Keep an eye on them in the coming weeks. A dark horse team for me. (Previous ranking - 7) | Ric's team is not bringing anything, but a good old fashioned Can'o whoop ass. Afterwards they pick you up and brush the dust off you and send you on your way. You feel like your orbital bone might be broken but at least you made a new friend. |
Pacheck It Out | Another team that is on the up and up with Pacheck It Out. Bryce has a sneaky squad of misfit fantasy players that you wouldn't have expected to have a big year, but they are stepping up as the season moves along. (Previous ranking - 3) | The Pacheck It Out gang has been in a couple of fights before and lost, so just to be sure things go their way they show up with baseball bats and beat the shit out of you. |
Heading For the Hills | Surprised by the total points this team has accumulated, and I would've expected a higher total. Heading for the Hills is a well drafted team, and just need a Adams and Hill to start stepping up. (Previous ranking - 4) | Heading for the Hills Crew would be a weapons merchant for everyone involved in the fight. Once the fight is over they go and buy their things back in a way that benefits them. |
The Whittakers | Somehow this team is always hanging around. They've been slowly clawing back, and with Chubb returning I fear that they get more dangerous . Glad they were nerfed a bit by Adams getting traded to NYJ hopefully he takes all of Wilson's targets. Hawk Tuah. (Previous ranking - 10) | The Whittakers make sure everyone knows that it's going to be a knife fight, and that means absolutely no guns! As soon as everyone acknowledges the rules and goes back to regroup they shoot you in the dick and laugh. |
Daddy | Interesting roster that has a lot of boom or bust between players. I feel like at the end of the day they are a playoff team and will make a solid run. (Previous ranking - 6) | Daddy and his crew bring a bucket of popcorn and watch everyone get beat silly and then they step in and start cracking skulls |
Squirtn' Manning | Currently a lower scoring team that has had some breaks go their way. I like this roster on paper, and there's the potential to dial up the heat for a playoff push. (Previous ranking - 8) | I could see this team bringing a 6'6 older brother as a bodyguard. Squirtn' Manning will poke you in the eyes while the big brother has you pinned down. |
Scumper's Thumpers | This team knows how to score that's for sure. Another solid roster on paper. I think this team could be higher with the addition of a QB which is nuts because they had 4 to start the season. Down the stretch don't be surprised to see them climb the standings. (Previous ranking - 5) | I can imagine the Thumpers show up in boxing gloves to be considerate of their opponent. Their opponent on the other hand is fighting with brass knuckles. |
Default Team Name | Don't count this team out by any means,but man have they had some tough breaks. The Defaults have seen some rough days with injury, but fantasy giveth and fantasy taketh. I think some of the injuries aren't season ending and if the players and power through then this can defintely be a playoff team. If not... eh we'll get to that later. (Previous ranking - 11) | Just based off the team name I feel like they would all show up with brown paper bags on their heads for anonymity but the holes aren't cut right and it hinders their performance. |
Screamin Queen Dean | Looking at this roster makes me want to scream as they look solid, but managerial decisions have maybe cost them a few wins. Confused as to why Ceedee wasn't started against the Lions. They have a chance to salvage the season and make a push but it's now or never for the Screamin Queen. (Previous ranking - 9) | The members of the Dean Gang get all pysched up for the fight 3 hours before hand and then start thinking about how it might go down. Once at the fight they are unsure and distracted and just get a swift kick to the balls. |
Hiff Clangers | Clang Gang was trying to make some moves but can't catch a break. This team is just "BLEH" I have no faith and them and they have made me impotent like Nicki Manaj's cousin who was vaccinated. Currently on track for the Toilet Bowl.(Previous ranking - 12) | They wouldn't bring anything useful for a fight. They would just bring equipment to record a tik tok, and then their opponent would use the gear to beat them up. Very Ohio of them... |
Trade Talk! With Nick Sowell
Hello fellow fuck faces,
What a wonderful week to be alive! I just ‘pied the commish, and now I get to make fun of some trades. I could die a happy man right now, but, alas, we have work to do so I’m finna get to it:
Bryce —> Commish
Stinky Stinky! The Diddler of Fantasy Trading strikes again! Don’t get me wrong, scary Terry has really turned things around this season, but to be frank, this shit ain’t even close to fair. Another “let’s see if he’s dumb enough to accept” trade offer from big Bruce, which is I’m learning is a trend for him. After his performance on the last trade talk segment, let’s hope we don’t see him make an appearance on this week’s list again.
Bryce —> Commish
Welp!
And that’s it for this week’s trade talk with Squirt. Another solid performance by the reigning dumbfuck trader of the week, congrats on another incredible first-place finish.
Here are my dumbfuck power rankings:
1) Bruce
2) Nick Vichinsky
3) Me (because I know Beef will throw a tantrum if I don’t add myself)
4) Everyone else
Don’t forget to send me your dumb fucking trades for next week!
With disrespect,
Squirtin’ Manning
P.S. I’m still looking for a good WR under the age of 29! Get at me!
Crit's Thoughts
We can all celebrate this week knowing Pete lost and truly think that's the gift that keeps on giving... (10/14 @2:32pm)
Guest Picker: Sabrina Carpenter
Pacheck It Out! Vs. Default Team Name
For Pacheck It Out!, honey, 94.7% sit accuracy? That’s like knowing exactly what buttons to press—total expert energy. And 141.67 points? Oh, you’re just making it look so easy, aren’t you? Default Team Name might have some moves, but Pacheck It Out! is out here ready to steal the show. I’m swooning over that confidence, so I’m giving you the W, no question.
Pacheck It Out! Vs. Default Team Name
0%Pacheck It Out
0%Default Team Name
Fuck Peter Harlan Maurer Vs. Daddy
Now, for Fuck Peter Harlan Maurer—mmm, one loss? I like a team that knows how to take control. Stroud, Henry, Walker? That’s like walking in with a killer smile, knowing everyone’s watching. Daddy’s got game, but let’s be real: Peter’s giving ‘sweep me off my feet’ vibes, and I’m totally into it. Winner vibes all day long.
Fuck Peter Harlan Maurer Vs. Daddy
0%Fuck Peter Harlan Maurer
0%Daddy
Heading for the Hills Vs. Diggs 4 Puka Shells
And for Heading for the Hills vs Diggs 4 Puka Shells? Ooh, it’s getting spicy, but I’m leaning all the way toward Diggs 4 Puka Shells. 128.66 points? Babe, you’re bringing the heat. Stefon Diggs is out here just making it look so easy, and I can’t help but notice. Heading for the Hills, you’ve got some moves, but with Daniel Jones and some lineup drama, I’m not sure it’s enough to catch my eye this time. So, sorry, but I’m totally crushing on Diggs 4 Puka Shells here!
Heading for the Hills Vs. Diggs 4 Puka Shells
0%Heading for the Hills
0%Diggs 4 Puka Shells
Scumper’s Thumpers Vs. The Milky Cream Dream
Oh babe, this matchup feels like it’s got some serious ‘will-they-won’t-they’ energy. Scumpers got that solid, grounded vibe, but Milky Cream Dream? Sweet, silky, and giving just enough mystery to keep you guessing. Honestly, this could be a total back-and-forth… but if we’re keeping it real, Scumper’s rocking a higher ceiling here, and sometimes a girl just needs someone who can deliver. The Dream might make it close, but Scumpers’ thumping their way to my heart… and to a win.
Scumper's Thumpers Vs. The Milky Cream Dream Team
0%Scumper's Thumpers
0%The Milky Cream Dream Team
The Whitakers vs. Squirtin’ Manning
“This one is too cute. The Whitakers have that traditional, classic vibe—like the guy who shows up with flowers for a first date—but Squirtin’ Manning? He’s got that bad-boy energy with a sprinkle of chaos, and we all know who gets the second date! Squirtin’ is coming in hot at 116.53, and even though The Whitakers are solid, sometimes you just have to go for the one who keeps things spicy. Squirtin’ Manning, you’ve got my pick!”
The Whittakers Vs. Squirtin' Manning
0%The Whittakers
0%Squirtin' Manning
Screamin’ Mean Dean Vs. Hiff Clangers
Well, well, Screamin’ Mean Dean, you’ve definitely got me looking your way. With Trevor Lawrence leading the charge and Joe Mixon in your lineup? Oh, you know just how to handle things. J. Gibbs ready to break out? That’s got me very intrigued. And with Christian Kirk and Darnell Mooney bringing the heat, babe, you’re serving some serious main character energy. Hiff Clangers? Sure, they’ve got J. Love and D. Montgomery, but it’s more “nice try” than “sweep me off my feet.” So, Screamin’ Mean Dean, let’s just say, you’ve got my full attention this week—and I’m totally rooting for you. 😘
Screamin' Mean Queen Vs. Hiff Clangers
0%Screamin' Mean Dean
0%Hiff Clangers
Picker Rankings
1.Nick Vichinsky (5-1).
2.Rachel Prowse (4-2)
2.Allyson Maurer (4-2)
2.Molly Rider-Vichinsky (4-2)
2. Stephen Pepps (4-2)
Shane Gillis (1-4-1)
Fantasy Meme of the Week
Yes