Morning Huddle
This week in dystopia, we say goodbye to our meaningful distractions. No longer do we turn on our TVs to escape reality and fall into fantasy - not all of us anyway. This week in dystopia, our heart drops at the thought that no longer Monday nights provide one last hope, Tuesday newsletters provide us laughs, and Wednesdays provide the eve of excitement for the weekend to come. This week in dystopia, our coffee tastes like iron again. This week in dystopia, it smells a little like a toilet bowl.
Commissioner's Corner
Dear league,
It has been my pleasure serving as your commissioner these past 2 years. Lord know what’s next year has in store, but I have my doubts I will be elected for a 3rd term.
Some of the highlights of my time in the office include are listed below low, where I compare you douchewagons to annoying tv/movie characters (a lot of Harry Potter, apologies).
1.) The twin towers of trading: Bruce/Scraps aka Regina George & Dudley Dursley believing whole-heartedly that everyone around them is so fucking dumb that they can just make dogshit trades til something sticks. And then somehow the village townspeople come through and prove just how dumb they are by accepting those trades. We hate a bully.
2.) Crits kind of our Dolores Umbridge. Whole lotta huffing and puffing when things aren’t going his way. Occasionally he’ll leave the room because he’s so fussy.
3.)Nick Sowell aka Moaning Myrtle aka the kid from the babydoll, aka and his fucking incessant complaining.
4.) Zach Montague aka Brad Pitt in any spy movie. He’s just that nice neighbor who on the outside just seems like a really good guy, but on the inside is a ruthless assassin who drafts well and will get what he wants in a trade.
5.)) Joey B aka Dobby the Elf for seeming kinda nasty at first, then we got to know his team and figured out he wasn’t a threat, then towards the end he kinda started looking nasty again. His playoffs are likely to end on a beach with Beef kr Eric’s knife through his heart.
6.) Peter Maurer aka Biff Tannen. Always talking a massive game but then just kinda silent and dumbfounded when he loses.
7.) Eric aka Draco Malfoy. I look at his team and think “there’s no way his daddy didn’t pay for him to somehow win matches every week”. Definitely a nepo baby.
8.) Con aka the Volturi from twilight. Silent most of the year because of “Medical School Apps” but when he does chime in, his sharp comments leave you scarred and scared.
9.) Beadle aka White Goodman. Gets grumpy af for no reason, and his short fuse will sometimes result in you needing to say “relax” to him.
10.) Branden aka Severus Snape. Whole lotta build up over many seasons just to find out in the end he is actually a loser who got cucked in highschool and grew up an absolute sham.
See you next year for another election. Thanks for a great season!
Commish
Tears and Jeers
Tears
"I really need you guys to lay off... I'm in a period of mourning" - Nick S
"Can I opt out?" - Con
"Bucky out, sorry to ruin your season Nick Sowell :(" - Pete
"I understand, but the newsletter makes me sad. It's a pleasure of my tuesdays to read it. Was hoping for one last one." - Bryce
I am the Roman reigns of the Toilet Bowl" - Crit
Jeers
"Asking Pete to beat Scraps was like asking the 2008 Lions to win a game, it wasn't gonna happen" - Zach
"Some would say the curse has been transferred." - Brando
"It's actually tragic it took the dumbest move of the century for Brando to get one" - Beadle
"Welcome to the poopoo bowl, Squirt." - Pete
Playoff Primer
Preseason Projections (Nick V)
Daddy
Fuck Chris Spray
Le Squirtlocker
Hiff Clangers
Pacheck it Out
6. Heading for the Hills
7. Scumper's Thumpers
8. Fight'n GameCucks
9. Milky Cream Dream Team
10. Screamin' Mean Dean
11. Diggs 4 Puka Shells
12. The Personal Fowls
Reflections
Overall, outside of Hiff Clangers and Squirtin' Manning, My Projections were pretty spot on.
Daddy, Fuck Chris Spray, Pacheck it Out (Diddy), and Heading for the Hills all in the top 5 ended that same way.
Squirtin' Manning and Hiff Clangers I was way off - they had an overall disappointing season - Squirtin' Manning had some luck.
Although I do believe if Squirt's team stayed healthy he may have had a better chance in the competition
I was way off about Diggs 4 Puka Shells, his rag-tag team impressed us all.
I also gave Fight'n GameCucks too much credit.
Playoff Perspectives
Bryce
Hot Take/ Underdog
Underdog... Brando will Finish 7th. His team is turning around in a great way.
Favorite to Win
Me. I'm a golden god and cannot be touched. Burrow/Chase will be my saviors.
Favorite to Lose
Pete will fullfill the prophecy and go from hero to zero. He will win the toilet bowl. I will make him buy me a Jared Goff jersey.
Eric
Hot Take/ Underdog
Diddler, gonna diddler his way to the finals. From the cellar to the penthouse.
Favorite to Win
Daddy, he's got all the makings of a championship roster.
Favorite to Lose
Cumbacks, what a far fall from grace.
Joe
Chris
Hot Take / Underdog
Scumps loses first round because he blows cock and balls.
Favorite to win
I think Bryce wins it all.
Favorite to lose the league
BKnorr will lose the league no doubt because he’s bad at fantasy football.
Nick S
Hot Take/ Underdog
a. Brando has a better team than Pete
Favorite to Win
Nick V
3. Favorite to Lose
a. Pete
Branden
Hot Take / Underdog
Diddler
Favorite to Win
Diddler
Favorite to Lose
Dirty Commish or Pete
Pete
Hot Take / Underdog
Bryce loses round 1
Favorite to Win
Daddy
Favorite to Lose
Crit
Brando's Power Rankings
Team | Happy Happy Happy |
Diggs 4 Puka Shells | Eric looking at the power rankings last week = *Verbal Meme: Micheal Jordan sitting in the chair during The Last Dance "...and I took that personally" |
Daddy | Daddy went toe to toe with Ric but still poised to make a deep playoff run |
Je Ne Saquon | Zach thank you for giving Dean a good old fashioned bare-handed bare-bottom spanking on his pale ass. |
Diddler | Hide ya kids and hide ya wife cause Scary Bryce is back and going sicko mode #MoBamba |
Scrapper's Trappers | Squeaked into the playoffs I knew you could do it Scraps! Gonna need to get the boys fired up to make a playoff run and upset some teams |
Fuck Chris Cuckface Spray | Isiah Davis |
Squirtn Manning | A good amount of squirt... just not enough :/ |
Milky Cream Dream Team | Spoiled Milk |
The Cumbacks | Pete used up all of his goodluck to hit that 4 leg parlay so we know his team won't score more than 90 pts for the rest of the season |
Dictator Dean | This current roster is built to have a first round exit in the TB but it would be so funny if they went to the last round and Dean slowly starts plucking his eyebrow hairs out of stress |
Default Team Name | Wish you could've beaten the Squidler this week Crit but it wasn't in the cards. See you at the tournament where they make misfit toys battle for a toilet bowl title. A |
Hiff Clangers | I'd like to thank Cooper Robert Rush and Re'Mahn Walter Zhamar Jamar Davis for letting me win this week. |
Pete's Pecker
Two Nights Before Fantasy Playoffs
'Twas two nights before playoffs, and all through the league,
The managers were plotting, their minds full of intrigue.
The waivers were empty, the benches were bare,
In hopes that a championship soon would be theirs.
Eric and Zach sat all smug in their chairs,
With rosters so stacked, it just wasn’t fair.
Dominating all season, their records supreme,
They loomed as the favorites—the league’s top dream.
But lurking in shadows, there came a surprise,
Daddy the Darkhorse with fire in his eyes.
His lineup unsexy, his picks met with doubt,
Yet somehow, this underdog's turning heads now.
Scumps was the Grinch, stealing all of the cheer,
With his trade rejections and smack talk severe.
He cackled with glee as the league grew irate,
Determined to sow seeds of pure playoff hate.
First one out? That was Bryce, oh so quick,
He trusted his gut, but his gut played a trick.
A tough-luck season, his dreams fell apart,
Though still in good spirits, he cheered from the start.
And Beef, oh dear Beef, his anger ablaze,
Every bad call sent him into a daze.
With fists clenched tight and a glare full of fire,
He vowed to make someone else’s season expire.
As the playoffs drew near, tensions ran high,
Each manager scheming, their hopes aimed to fly.
Would Eric or Zach claim the league’s shiny crown,
Or would Daddy or Scumps bring them tumbling down?
The battle awaited, the tension was thick,
Each play and decision had to be slick.
So here’s to the madness, the glory, the strife—
May the playoffs bring chaos to fantasy life!
Crit's Thoughts
Toilet Bowl Contestants, this is new and scary grounds for many of you, but this is my domain. ACKNOWLEDGE ME.
Fantasy Matchups
Playoff
Fuck Chris Cuckface Spray (#4) Vs. Daddy (#5)
0%Fuck Chris Cuckface Spray
0%Daddy
Scumper's Thumpers (#6) Vs. Diddler (#3)
0%Scumper's Thumpers
0%Diddler
Toilet Bowl
Pick the Loser: Cumbacks (#9) Vs. Milky Cream (#8)
0%Cumbacks
0%Milky Cream Dream Team
Pick the Loser: Squirtin' Manning (#7) Vs. Deanith (#10)
0%Squirtin' Manning
0%Deanith
Fantasy Meme of the Week
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